[tw061023]

From someone who had been lonely for a better part of his life, there is a solution that works.

Build a bit of confidence (gym being the simplest way) and get out there, because whoever you are, there is someone else out there who looks precisely for you. But you aren't gonna meet them if you sit tight, so get out.

Internalize this: you are attractive and you have worth, right now. You are good enough. And someone is waiting for you out there.

[BoingBoomTschak]

"Just b urself"

[tw061023]

Build confidence _and then_ just be yourself. Because if you lack confidence in yourself, how can you convince another person to have confidence in you?

[BoingBoomTschak]

You imply that lack of confidence is the most common issue one has to fix.

What if you're introverted, intellectual and not part of the bread & circus tribe (which should be the case for some people on HN)? What does "get out" mean, then? You won't see me at a nightclub, a bar or any place made for people to socialize over inane discussions, alcohol and crap "music".

[lukan]

Going out mainly means going out through your door and to nice and interesting places.

That can be parks, museums, gym, hacker spaces and yes also clubs.

A new (ancient) trend, that maybe works for you, is called ecstatic dance. The basic idea is, no alcohol, no drugs, no talking (inside the main area) - just good music and dancing - till ecstasy. Expressing the language of the body. This connects people.

[greentxt]

I was feeling lonely and hopeless then I read your post, saw the cure was “ecstatic dance” and lol’d, loudly. I was reminded of the episode of peep show (the great British sitcom) where the lads try out ecstatic dance. I will have to rewatch that today. I thank you for the smile and for one of the most unique loneliness cures I’ve ever read, and I’ve read many. For me the super market has been the easiest way to encounter other humans, but maybe I’ll try ecstatic dance.

[lukan]

Glad I could make you laugh. I have not seen the peep show, so no idea what was in it, or whether it has anything to do with what I know as ecstatic dance, but in either case I do recommend to go for it, if you have the chance. Worst case, you don't like it and go away. Best case, you have fun and connect with just the right people.

Every ecstatic dance I attended was different (also on different places, organised by different people) but all of them were worth it.

[fuzzfactor]

When you are in a place with perhaps the most mundane music, if it gets even the least bit decent and you get up there and dance ecstatically, the band will love it.

If there are no dancers and you get up there at all the band will probably love it.

They might just not play so mundane after that.

And others who may be the least bit inspired will often get right up there with you, hesitating much less than they would have normally done.

Even if it's all by yourself.

There's a song about that, Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1s2qZ6zc6ts

Where he basically draws the dead up onto their feet, he ecstatically blows them all away, they love him anyway and everybody ends up boogieing like zombies.

>You won't see me at a nightclub, a bar or any place made for people to socialize over inane discussions, alcohol and crap "music".

You won't see most people, they're usually hanging out socially with others they met like that or at equivalent places they prefer to gather whether or not alcohol was prominent, discussions were inane or music was crap.

Or whether there was anything like music at all.

But if there is music, you know what to do ;)

Trust me, I'm a scientist.

OTOH there's a lot to be said for striving to widen social circles using remote technology more so than direct contact. Haven't gotten around to that yet so I don't have much to add there.

EDIT added anyway: Helpful tip: It's probably better to leave your phone at home so it doesn't get broken while ecstatically dancing or anything else. People that are interested in what they see will often be understanding and more than willing to text your phone while it is still in repose back in its coffin. You can then power back up and raise the phone from the grave when the time is right. But it's well recognized that a lot of people need to raise their gaze and their fingers well above the plane of a touchscreen, to further points of interest more than they do.

[omgCPhuture]

You are onto something here. I myself have overcome this horrible state and the no alcohol thing is pretty key, along with, some better drugs/scene & the essence of hacker spirit: curiosity. My story is a bit long, but Iam willing to share if it is of interest or possibly even of help to someone. It is a horrible state and not easily solved by someone deep in that hopeless state.

[gffrd]

“Get out there” means “just pick something—anything!!—and show up.”

Go to a local gathering place (cafe, bar, church, literally wherever people hang out), look at the pinboard to find an upcoming thing to go to. Ask people what they do for fun. Whatever you do, don’t look for the “perfect” thing. It doesn’t exist, and waiting for/seeking it gets in the way of you actually meeting people.

Be curious.

Isn’t that a fundamental trait of the intellectual? Consider everything, turn over every stone?

The world is crawling with interesting people who would be your friends.

Socialization is a give-and-take; expect to give (maybe listen to some “crap music” with others) before you can take.

One more thing: it sounds like you’ve built a superiority complex. Kill that. It’s a facade you’ve built to insulate yourself. You’ll never meet others with it … or you’ll just meet other snobs.

Consider that there may be someone out at those “inane” events who feels the same as you, but is out there looking for you to show up!

Addendum: this has momentum. Once you start meeting people and feeling more confident, it won’t feel like work anymore. At that point, you may actually find yourself engaging people like your former self.

[hackart]

I am a loner/socially awkward and used to run a bit before 2020. Then in 2020, since we were confined I used to run close to my house. I used to see a bunch of folks regularly running but was apprehensive about approaching them. One day one of them said Hi and now I am thankful and happy to be part of that group. There are still periods when I like to run alone and avoid the group but they welcome me whenever I am ready. I am a lot happier since joining this group. More people have joined this group in last two and a half years and am good friends with some of them. I am not sure but I think the group has helped some of them with their loneliness like me. There is some sense of satisfaction when you improve your timing but a bigger source of satisfaction is when you are helping others with their running or just spending time with them. I was lucky to be found by the group and sometimes I wish we can find more people who would be interested even a little bit but are apprehensive like I was/am.

[gffrd]

YES! Wonderful!

Two things you mention that are powerful:

1. Keep it really simple. Just show up. You don’t have to solve what happens next, or make a perfect first impression, or be a perfect person. Give yourself the same grace you would others.

2. The gratitude you feel for having found the group. Imagine how the others you’ve helped feel having found the group.

A great story—thank you for sharing.

[whatevaa]

A lot of people won't get your sarcasm, but I agree with this. Not that simple, life isn't fair, some people are more attractive/charismatic/interesting than others. Also, if you are geeky or considered weird by others, you can only find comfort with other people like you.

And the blanket suggestion that gym somehow solves everything is stupid. Personall experience: I tried it and ended up no better and with knee issues with which doctors can't help (just rest some, sure, like 8 months now since it began). Started playing computer games again and giving less shit about everything, feel happy again. Escapism does work.

[silverquiet]

Life is far from fair indeed - I have a deformed hip from a childhood illness that has caused me a lifetime of pain. I should probably have already had it replaced at an age that would be several decades younger than average for that surgery, but I'm too scared of the recovery and living with parts of my skeleton replaced by metal and plastic.

That said, I started a gym routine last year to try and relieve anxiety. I'm quite limited (you have no idea how much you use your hips until you get 8/10 pain for a few days after aggravating them). So it means low-impact activities and upper-body workouts. I didn't think it would make any difference in my appearance; I just needed to move in any way I could. After a few months I started getting comments about putting on muscle and overall looking better. (I lost of lot of weight which is more attributable to cleaning up my diet concurrently to a gym routine) A co-worker I met assumed I must be ex-military which I found funny because the childhood illness I had is specifically named in their document of medical exclusions. I don't think it's any secret that people treat you better when you appear more fit, and it is something that you have some control over.

But I don't believe that looks are motivation enough to get you to the gym every day (at least for me it is not); it's much better to do it for your well-being. Ideally, you can find exercises that both workaround your injuries and that you enjoy. Also, it's not like you need to go hard at the gym for two hours a day every day of the week; just do what you can and take pride in what you are able to achieve within your limits.

I've spent a lot of my life regretting my circumstances in unhealthy ways which I ultimately regret. I can't say that everything is wonderful now or even good, but they are better.

[lukan]

"with knee issues with which doctors can't help (just rest some, sure, like 8 months now since it began)."

Usually knee issues do not heal with resting, but with moving. And rather get worse over time while remaining passive (in resting position only some blood flows through the whole knee, and the muscle detoriates quickly and without a strong muscle, even more stress gets onto the knee)

So unless you have a very special condition where competent doctors especially said, only resting will help, rather get active again with light activity. Walking, cycling, dancing, climbing, ...

Every exercise that moves the body, without putting too much stress on it.

[whatevaa]

Competent doctor told to rest. Left knee MRT showed a "stress break" (don't know correct terminology in English). Problem is there has been no stress for last 6-7 months apart from time I was trying to start running (ironic). Either it doesn't heal for half a year or it's something else. I also had to wear this cloth knee support thing for a couole of weeks after some extra long walking with friends, as the knee didn't like any load at all.

It's not over yet, there will be excercise, waiting in line for a specialist, but not walking/cycling/dancing/climbing, execises you do at home when you have an injury.

Anyway, I tried to exercise, I got an injury, and I felt worse than without exercise, cause something was taken away from me.

[lukan]

"I also had to wear this cloth knee support thing for a couole of weeks after some extra long walking with friend"

My experience with bandages is, only use them when you absolutely have to. Otherwise your body gets used to them and sees even less need to make the knee work on its own.

In general, I am not a doctor, but went through years of working out how to fix bad knees and went from doctor to doctor, operation etc. (most doctors were actually very bad for anything not routine)

What helped in the end, was establishing a habit of doing special knee exercises whenever possible. And lots of adequate sport in moderation. Climbing and Trampolin may sound crazy, but are actually pretty good for the knees if done on a light level and also walking barefeet helped a lot. In general, trying to get the muscles around the knee as strong as possible, as then the muscles can hold your knee to replace whatever is broken inside your knee.

"Anyway, I tried to exercise, I got an injury, and I felt worse than without exercise, cause something was taken away from me."

And I would be careful with your conclusion, in my opinion you just did too much of wrong exercise. That is bad, yes (and is also what messed up my knees initially). So maybe try to find activities or exercises that are fun, but not too hard. And yes, it sucks not being able to do, what you could do before. At some point I allmost thought I would never be able to run again. And I definitely will never get back to the state of before - but I managed to do quite a lot again. Anyway, all the best for your recovery.