Tell HN: Truth has made me lonely

[aa6ll]

I feel lonely. I don't have much true friends, if any. I lost my job. I've gotten afar from my family connections.

All that due to finally being honest about things, and about my life. I say that when on the one hand, I do feel sorry for being lonely, and maybe a shred of regret for me choosing unconventional measures. On the other hand, I'm in somewhat at peace with myself because I know I chose the truth over untruth.

And this has made me very lonely, at least currently. because I was confronting with situations in which only if I would lie to myself and others I would keep that status. But I chose not to lie and prefer personal freedom, love to what I do, and to move on in life.

Do you ever feel the same, that by doing what seems right you end up feeling extremely lonely against others?

It seems to me that a lot of people aren't lonely, but they are living in a lie. I hope to connect with others who believe in the truth, but that seems much harder.

[KuriousCat]

It would be great if you can share few examples of your truth/unconventional measures. There are a lot of instances where people would use the phrase "brutally honest" and are more brutal than honest. Books on communication would say "How you say it" matters a lot more than "What you say".

- “Honesty without compassion is cruelty”

Is it the "Truth" part that is hurting and not the compassion/lack of it on display aka the delivery?

[aa6ll]

It is not the delivery, because I was talking mainly about myself.

What I was referring to, was taking actions inspired by being true to myself. For example, quitting the job I disliked, instead of trying to fit in with the rest.

Cutting connections with family members I disliked their affect on me.

This made me feel more lonely.

[KuriousCat]

I can not talk about your family members as you would have the best context. Only out of curiosity, have you already explored techniques from books like Crucial Conversations or consulted a therapist before cutting connections?

As far as the job is concerned quitting the one you dislike is only 10% of the work, finding the one you like is the 90% of it. I am sure that once you find the one you like you will be far more fulfilled.

[aa6ll]

Interesting. I think I didn’t explained myself very well.

I feel lonely, but I’m not depressed/anxious about it. I’m quite happy really, although this disturbs me, as to why I opened this thread.

[kirillzubovsky]

From what I've seen, a lot of people are indeed living a lie, but they are still lonely. The lie just helps to pretend like everything is a-okay.

I will leave you with Sting, Englishman in New York: "Be yourself, no matter what they say."

[wahnfrieden]

Can you give an example of the kind of truth vs lie schism you've observed?

[aa6ll]

Keeping friends and relatives that are not inherently good for me. Working in a job that do not satisfy me. ‘Higher education’ as a means for ‘success’.

Day job. Routine. Money.

[throwalone]

I subscribe to a particular framework for understanding human behavior. It's not perfect, but I find it enlightening as empirically it approximates reality well enough to be useful.

Every human has six needs: certainty, variety (uncertainty), significance, love (or connection, if they can't find love), growth and contributing. Everyone looks for all of these, they just rank their importance differently.

Find people who have 2-3 same needs ranked at the top or close to the top. I feel like your search for truth likely means you value certainty above all else (certainly above love), likely with significance closely following.

It's ok to leave people behind who don't have the same goals as you. Shakespeare said we're all actors with our entrances and exits, and I agree. Life is ever-changing.

Now on the more constructive side, why is truth the single most important value to you?

Do you value truth more than you value love? Health? Happiness? Passion? Growth? Make a list of the values you have and force rank them. Then think about what it takes to feel those values according to you. Do you get "truth" when you catch someone lying or when you strictly follow laws/a code? Truth can mean different things to different people. Then reflect on which values you actually want to pursue. I used to pursue anger because it made me feel powerful, righteous and driven. Now it's nowhere to be seen on my list.

Finally, you'll never outperform your belief system. If you want different results, change your beliefs. But belief systems are just stories we tell ourselves. It's mostly bullshit when we're being honest with ourselves (it's "BS" after all...) Is it really true that you searched truth when others didn't? Change your story, change your life.

It's hard to distill all of this into a HN comment but hopefully this is net helpful rather than unhelpful... Wishing you the very best journey ahead