[david927]

You've said nothing about intelligence. You've exclusively listed psychological impediments. Beating yourself up isn't helpful but your anger is good -- it means you're willing to change.

Your username means you need to seek a therapist immediately and without delay. I'm not asking you, I'm commanding you. Do it right fucking now.

In my opinion, consider trying several therapists until you find one that works well for you; they vary significantly. I would also recommend walking for one hour or more every day, no headphones, no distractions, and talk through things in your mind. Wild write: sit down with a pen and paper and write whatever comes into your mind, and then read it and understand it. It will start to make sense.

Literally everyone on this planet is broken in some way. But broken things can be fixed. There's hope. Use this frustration and anger as the spark to effect positive change. You can do it. Have hope.

Everyone who has been at the bottom of the well where there's no light and no promise of light will tell you the same thing: they're wrong. There's always the promise of light. There's always light if you choose to seek it. Have hope.

Edit: my email is in my profile

[iwant2endmyself]

My tendency to be a victim of the Dunning Kruger Effect and constant repeating of the same mistakes points to an intelligence deficit. I have tried using both anger and discipline multiple times in the past to change and improve myself but it has never worked long enough, it always fails. So, I definitely need external help.

I don't think I need a therapist as I don't really plan/want to end myself. If I had a time machine and there was no grandfather paradox, I would make sure I won't exist but since that's impossible, I am looking to find whatever methods, experimental, surgical, whatever to eliminate what I also hope are just impediments and not an absence of intellect. I need to find someone who can tell me if my problems have solutions.

[david927]

Your problems have solutions. It sounds like these mistakes were repeated and clear. It seems that you could intellectually see it, but you chose differently for other reasons. It may be an emotional barrier. Do people consider you stubborn? If so, that's fixable. Stop. You don't have to brain up, you have to wise up. The thing in your way is you and your brain but not in the way you're expecting; it's not intellect but wisdom. And it's not going to be fixed with brain surgery or an increase in IQ. It's going to stop when you allow it to stop.

People think of Therapists as Surgeons, a last resort. But they're also General Practitioners that you can just talk to. It can be that external help/voice. I really suggest trying for a couple months and see if it offers you anything. No harm if not. Or don't -- that's ok too. But they can't do shit unless you try.

Try the two other things I mentioned: long walks and wild writing. Again, try it for two or three months. If it doesn't help, no harm.

The key to this is in your hand. But it may not fit the lock that you're expecting. If you're open to true change, you can be pleasantly surprised but first you have to try.

[iwant2endmyself]

People consider me lazy, don't know about stubborn. I have this aversion to doing anything productive or intellectually demanding even if I want to.

Also, I am unable to adapt to suit the situation (social or otherwise) which is troubling since adaptability is a fundamental trait of human capability.

I guess a therapist is the only way for me to get out of this lifelong funk I have been in, because my conscientiousness is non-existent and no matter how much I try, I will make the same mistakes again.