[em-bee]

because of point 3. for example my wife didn't like me doing detailed accounting of all of our expenses do i had to stop that. she hasn't spent to much money so that issue didn't come up but i can imagine it being a problem to tell your partner they spend to much if the partner is sensitive about that.

[jncfhnb]

That’s not an excuse to let things boil up without talking about it. If you fundamentally cannot communicate with someone you should not get married

[em-bee]

that is not fair. it is easy to say, but sometimes very hard to do. things like these are not always predictable, and especially money handling often doesn't even come up as an issue until after you are married for some time.

[jncfhnb]

But this is not only predictable but acknowledged. It’s not ideal to fail to communicate and not realize it. It’s not ok to identify as someone who just doesn’t communicate and bottles up their emotions until they’re problematic.

It might not be easy. But to do otherwise is a recipe for failure. And we’d be dumb to not acknowledge that. You shouldn’t marry someone you’re not comfortable talking to About difficult things. That’s like the whole point of having a trusted partner.

[em-bee]

You shouldn’t marry someone you’re not comfortable talking to About difficult things.

you keep saying that, but generally you can't know how your partner reacts until the issue actually comes up and especially with finances it rarely comes up before you start living together which often doesn't happen until you get married.

it is impossible to vet your partner on every aspect. when you get married you start to build trust, and you find out your partners sensitive points and learn to avoid them. that's not even an issue of trust, but a question of how you communicate to keep a healthy relationship. in my case i simply stopped the detailed accounting and everything was fine. in the case here the person had difficulty dealing with that. we don't know why, or how they could resolve that, but telling them that they should have predicted that and not married this person is really unreasonable.

[jncfhnb]

I’m not saying they should have predicted anything. I’m saying they should communicate. You don’t have to solve the problem. You do have to talk about your feelings.

[em-bee]

they would have had to predict that communicating their financial concerns is not welcome. i am very open to talk about my feelings, but if a topic makes my wife angry, then i'll stop. the problem is not the ability of the sender but the reaction of the receiver. you can't control how your message is received, and therefore you can't blame the sender for failing to communicate in this case, much less suggest that they should not have married this person, because in order to avoid that they would have had to have known in advance that this issue would become a problem.

[sidewndr46]

Albeit illegal in most places I've lived, I have never heard of anyone getting in trouble for living with someone they aren't married to.

[em-bee]

i don't think it is actually illegal in many places, but that is not the point i am making. what matters is that many do not live together before they get married, and thus do not have the opportunity to get to know each other at that level, and, more importantly, can not be faulted for failing to know each other well enough to predict every possible problem that may come up in the future.