[em-bee]

they would have had to predict that communicating their financial concerns is not welcome. i am very open to talk about my feelings, but if a topic makes my wife angry, then i'll stop. the problem is not the ability of the sender but the reaction of the receiver. you can't control how your message is received, and therefore you can't blame the sender for failing to communicate in this case, much less suggest that they should not have married this person, because in order to avoid that they would have had to have known in advance that this issue would become a problem.

[jncfhnb]

No, that’s bullshit. The wife can set her own boundaries on what she is willing to accept for finance but she can’t rule out talking about feelings about the issue.

Not talking about it is not a solution. That’s baked into the premise. You have to talk to your partner about things that are important to you, hard stop.

[em-bee]

yes, but when a topic upsets your partner, then you first have to figure out why, and work on resolving whatever is causing that reaction before you can get to the actual problem that is bothering you. depending on the problem, and the partners willingness to listen, this can take years.

and i am arguing against the claim that if they can't communicate about every important issue, then they should not have married. which is where i want to call bullshit. because such things are just not easy to know in advance. especially you simply have no way of knowing what kind of issues might come up if you didn't experience them in your parents, your own previous relationships or your friends or others. but you can't experience everything, and even for those issues you do have experience with, you can't predict if they are going to be a serious problem or not.

if that is wrong please tell me how to know in advance what issues me and my partner are going to fight about in the future.

[jncfhnb]

> yes, but when a topic upsets your partner, then you first have to figure out why, and work on resolving whatever is causing that reaction before you can get to the actual problem that is bothering you. depending on the problem, and the partners willingness to listen, this can take years.

Aka communicating

I don’t care about your argument. You don’t need to know in advance what will be hard. You just need to be able to talk about things. It’s not ok to actively acknowledge you are not talking about something that is bothering you that will boil up into anger. That’s unhealthy and toxic for both parties.

If you say “hey I’m feeling anxiety because of this, can we talk about it sometime?” And they say “no”… they’re not a good partner.

[em-bee]

right, i agree with everything you say here, even, or especially the last point. what bothers me is your previous suggestion that "they should not have married". really, that's the only thing that i can't fit in, because the decision not to marry someone requires predicting problems.