[asdf6677]

I’m one of these people. I think romantic relationships are extremely important for pragmatic reasons (housing affordability, having children, as a safety net, etc) but I choose not to date because I don’t know how to find anyone I actually like. I don’t understand how people get into relationships without treating dating like a job search.

“Just put yourself out there”, “you’re overthinking it - a relationship will come when you least expect it”

But what if that doesn’t work? I’m pretty sure eventually I’ll need to settle for whatever I can get and try to make things work out like it’s an arranged marriage

I’m almost 30 years old and still in the closet because I feel like there’s no benefit to coming out. A straight and gay incel have the exact same life other than porn preferences.

Maybe I’m just asexual.

[screye]

> without treating dating like a job search

You are right, but expand that horizon a little bit. Dating has to be given consistent time. You're unlikely to get lucky. But, it does not have to be separate activity.

Choose a co-ed hobby / co-ed workout, and stick to it. Your workout becomes where you find people to date. If you aren't actively looking, then see if you can build a rapport with someone first. If you see some potential, then you can make the move. If not, you still got a workout/hobby and a friend out of it.

The stigmatization of approaching someone in the workplace, and increasingly in any non-bar public places is an impractical solution with more negative side-effects than many realize. Work dating is becoming a no-no, but I would suggest that you be more brazen in otherwise semi-acceptable public places.

(p.s: make necessary adjustments to the comment acc. to your dating preferences)

> don’t know how to find anyone I actually like

That sounds like a bigger underlying problem. It is the same steps as I mentioned above, but finding your community is incredibly important to general well being.

[mrcrumb1]

Most of the people I know that pursue relationships for purely pragmatic reasons and fail seem to forget that people won't fit into boxes because you want put them there. The people I see that are successful meet people where they are, and let their positions in their life reveal itself as they get to know the other person. I don't know if this applies to you or is even helpful, but it is a pattern I have noticed in my life.

[asdf6677]

Successful in pseudo arranged marriages, or just in general?

I haven’t been in a relationship yet so I have no idea if this will even work

[mrcrumb1]

I'm not sure what you mean by pseudo arranged marriages. I mean successful at building new interpersonal relationships in general, and generally that translates into more opportunity for romantic relationships.

[asdf6677]

I mean people who settle for somebody they don’t have romantic feelings for because it’s a pragmatic decision

[yhavr]

The idea of romantic love is pretty new. Knowing how lame humanity is, I'm not surprised that no culture has found or integrated yet the replicable way to find and properly develop the relationship with a "soulmate". It doesn't mean that the way doesn't exist.