[RjQoLCOSwiIKfpm]

Whenever I again consider getting one and start reading up opinions on the Internet, it is usually a mix of a lot of people who say they're absolutely OK now ... and then I run into someone who says it COMPLETELY destroyed their life and they're in pain all day every day.

Some even say they've been fine for quite a bit of time and then suddenly the pain starts.

Which in total makes me absolutely NOT want a vasectomy even though I have zero desire to reproduce.

Because it does feel plausible that it can cause trouble to lock something up in the body which is meant to be released once in a while.

I hope some day men too will have real and reliable (condoms fail a lot) self-determination in terms of reproduction, not only "suffer abstinence your whole life or risk getting financially gutted for decades."

[gspencley]

This was my experience as well. What you don't read too much about are the moderate experiences.

Something changed for me, down there, after the procedure. My right testicle, in particular, is a lot more sensitive than it used to be. And there is the occasional pain. When that happens I feel around down there and the "tubes" (not sure of the anatomical terminology) feel like they're quite swollen.

Did it destroy me? Absolutely not. Can I live with it? Yes. Do I regret having the procedure? No.

But there is clearly a middle of the road scenario here. I'm never in excruciating pain. I've never needed to take pain killers for it. But every once in a while there is a mild throbbing, similar to having a mild headache and it goes away after a while. My family doctor told me that it would go away after a while but it's been 5 years since I had the procedure and it persists.

Something else that I'll say. I had children way too young. My wife and I were high school sweethearts and we got pregnant in our senior year. I love my daughters to death but fatherhood was INSANELY difficult for me. I'm pretty sure that I have Asperger syndrome and this comes with extreme noise sensitivity, freaking out when I get interrupted by anything etc. I really wish that I had understood this about myself when I was 19 years-old because I'm positive that we could have found ways to give our daughters a much easier childhood. Nevertheless, I was absolutely convinced in my 20s that I never should have had kids and that I would never want more.

Then I hit my mid to late 30s, became financially successful, way more comfortable with who and what I am as a person and suddenly felt like NOW was the time to have kids and I kind of wanted to give it another go.

People change, and while vasectomies are reversible, the advise is to consider them a permanent solution.

Just information. Everyone needs to make this extremely personal decision for themselves.

[yowzadave]

> Something else that I'll say. I had children way too young.

On the upside…you’ll have a long life together with your children (and maybe grandchildren), at an age when you are young enough to really enjoy it. I know people who waited a long time to have kids, and then by the time their kids were adults, they were in their mid-late sixties. They end up needing care as they age when their children are young, relatively poor, and with young children of their own…which can make it hard to care for their now-elderly parents.

[cassepipe]

Damn I don't know what kind of condom you've been using or if they're not your size but the only condom I have had cracking on me where bad condoms + intense sex, the kind you get in sex ed.

Don't be cheap and get some that are actually your size.

[StrangeATractor]

When covid first started I bought a few hundred, and I definitely managed to get a bad batch in there. 99% were fine, but one box had like 4 break. YMMV.

[RjQoLCOSwiIKfpm]

It's a 0.07 mm piece of plastic which has to absorb the forces caused by two moving bodies weighing > 100 kg together. Thus condoms do and will fail, even if properly fitted. The failure rate is estimated between 2% and 12% pregnancies per year.

Or to put it in more visual words:

If you had $ 200 000 in cash (that's the cost of a kid), would you secure it against theft with a 0.07 mm piece of plastic?

It's insane that this is expected of men.

[sho_hn]

I feel like HN is the sort of forum where I can get away with being irritated by this. My inner mechanical engineer is rebelling.

Those two moving bodies are plenty squishy, and there's a lot of suspension absorbing forces there. There's also lubricant.

[RjQoLCOSwiIKfpm]

Even if much of the force is alleviated by that there's still enough moving kg's left to break condoms

- which we don't even have to discuss, because there is statistics about this, and their failure rate is quite high, as said between 2% and 12% (I suppose it's a range because usage errors and quality vary).

Google "Pearl index".

[coldpie]

I can't alleviate your worry. I had the same fears going in, but decided the incident rate was low enough for me to "chance" it, given the benefits. It remains a decision I'm very happy to have made, but I also completely understand your position.

[jimbob45]

I hope some day men too will have real and reliable (condoms fail a lot) self-determination in terms of reproduction

Period tracking is incredibly reliable. People will tell you that women will lie about when they have their periods. However, if you can't trust a woman to tell you when she's menstruating, then that's perhaps a sign that you're not ready for sexual conduct with that woman.

[RjQoLCOSwiIKfpm]

Uhm, what, reliable? Source?

The failure rate of that is in the double digits percentage AFAIK !?

Besides, as long as you are still fertile and relying upon someone else not being fertile that is not self-determination. Men can also be victims of violence.

And as soon as multiple $100k in potential alimony payment (raising a kid for 18 years costs that much!) get involved some (not all!) people will lie to your face as much as humanly possible.

[cassepipe]

Indeed, we use condoms for the danger days. We have a window of four days before and after supposed ovulation. I wonder if this is enough. Do you use any other kind of tracking like temperature monitoring ? I'd love to read any resources.

I know this isn't the best contraception but I live in a country where I have access to abortion and "tomorrow" pills.

[jimbob45]

You can get an ovulation test kit if you want to go crazy with it[0]. She can know exactly when she ovulates and you can expand/shrink your window as you feel comfortable. Pair that with a condom and pull-out and there's virtually no risk of pregnancy.

[0]https://www.clearblue.com/ovulation-tests

[cassepipe]

Thanks, I didn't know those existed, it's great...

Actually do you rememeber the twitter thread when someone took apart one of those test (a pregnancy test, I assume they're alike) and then you realised it's basically a small camera doing the work of your eyes on a very cheap paper test ? https://twitter.com/Foone/status/1301707401024827392

I don't want to use one or two tests like that a month, it would be too much waste. Good news is I suppose is I should be able to get my hand on a paper tests.

[supertofu]

I've used fertility awareness (see https://www.tcoyf.com/) paired with a short course of Queen Anne's Lace tincture as a fallback if intimacy should happen during the fertile window. A fertile window for those who ovulate is usually only 2-3 days, with a couple days padded onto either side of the window for extra security. I've been using this method for five years and have avoided pregnancy thus far.

Fertility awareness requires a great deal of mutual trust, and a great deal of understanding of one's body. It is not 100% reliable (although the media would have you believe this method is only for religious zealots and the irresponsible, which is very much not true) -- but it's a lot less complicated than invasive surgery.