[comeondude]

As somebody who have been in and out mental hospitals, this is very familiar.

At one point in my early twenties, I was literally thinking about killing myself every single waking second.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel, and got around to planning my end.

Sat there, ran through various scenarios in my head. All the way up to putting the gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.

My imagination always terminated in blackness. Nothingness.

Then I realized I didn’t want to die, but didn’t want to live this way. And promised myself that I would do everything in my power to heal.

It took me about 15 years to get where I am now. Stable and mostly at peace with myself, but it was an arduous and painful journey - with many terrifying moments where I couldn’t see a way out.

I’m incredibly grateful that I managed to figure it out and I wouldn’t wish that agony on anybody.

[JacKTrocinskI]

I'm really glad to hear you made it through such a challenging time in your life. Your strength and determination are incredibly inspiring. I'm curious to know more about your healing process. Did you work on identifying and addressing the root causes of your pain, perhaps through therapy or counseling? Sometimes, personal issues can stem from our familial relationships. Did you find that to be the case in your journey? I'm interested to learn more about how you managed to overcome your struggles and achieve the peace you have today.

[comeondude]

Thank you.

It was a long winding journey. Generational trauma is definitely a real thing.

I tried a lot of things, from therapy to drugs to sex clubs, was grasping at straws, trying to understand what was happening.

It was a complicated and personal journey, but my biggest breakthrough occurred when I surrendered to the healing powers of my body and spirit.

I had to just stop and do nothing, and just allow all the hurt, shame, and fear come up to be processed. My ego fought like hell to keep them suppressed.

My mind was a storm of self-abuse, thoughtforms that told me that I was worthless and to be destroyed. I had to learn how to accept them and return to my heart (my emotional center) and just practice sitting with my feelings. Over time these thoughts dissipated, and I saw that they were driven by unrecognized emotional energy and signals from my body.

I was fortunate that I managed to create a situation that allowed me to lie fallow for a long time to heal.

There were many layers, but the crux of my issues was being severed from my authentic self. This happened because I grew up in a household with a lot of emotional abuse and coercive control, to the point where I suppressed myself and created a persona to survive.

If you read accounts of cult-abuse survivors, it’s like their real self is always trying to break through but they have been trained or mislead into ignoring themselves.

My experience was very similar.

I could write more about this, but pivotal points were recognizing that I had agency, learning how to trust my body and emotions over my ego, and understanding that at our core, we are love.

Had to learn how to love myself unconditionally basically; a constant practice.

[comeondude]

And a big part of the self-love journey was learning how to truly take care of myself. How to eat properly, how to rest, cutting out toxic people from my life, becoming clear with my boundaries, forgiving myself, accepting my pace of progress, and so on.

Once I recognized the pain in my heart, I just kept returning to it, and over time that guided me towards the truth.

[s1artibartfast]

Thanks for sharing your harrowing journey.

The part that resonates with me is the need to see a third alternative between death and the status quo. It is easy to feel trapped and without agency, and this leads to a downward spiral. In my experience and opinion, the key to finding a way out is reclaiming agency and belief that you have the power to change. Willpower is a tricky thing. If you think you have it you do, and if you don't think you have it you don't. It is largely a mystery to me how people go from one to the other.

In my case, one thing that helped is realizing I had choices and wasn't as trapped as I felt. I could leave my family, and my job if I wanted. I could always quit it all and live in a shack somewhere reading books. Just knowing I had the power of choice and wasn't trapped gave me the strength to make progress.

I now think trained helplessness and philosophies that view humans only as a product of their environment are extremely dangerous.

[ethanbond]

Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you made it/are making it every day.

[dgb23]

This is the type of achievement I find incredibly awesome and inspiring.

It’s overcoming oppressive challenges and build up not just from nothing, but in a way from a negative, draining state.