[boredemployee]

As a junior, I started out loving my job.

Then the bad decisions from management started and I started to love my job less, I still woke up with some excitement.

2 and a half years later: today what I do has more to do with pressure and deadlines than with learning and/or doing the right thing.

Today, I find it unsustainable to work 8 hours a day, I've come to hate what I do, I can't imagine looking for another job doing the same thing.

Sunday nights are getting harder and harder to bear. Anxiety and despair blind me to the point of believing that I won't be able to do anything else in my life. I think I need some urgent help.

Edit: I'm in my mid 30s - already had a carreer switch

[snarf21]

Most of us old timers have been there, done that. At some level, it never changes.

It is VERY difficult for work to provide your true meaning in life. 95% of software is personal preference. Most code will be thrown away when priorities change. Do the best you can and learn when you can. Management will always make poor decisions and are usually not interested in unfortunate truths. Work should only be what is required to gain money to pay for living.

The change has to be in you. Finding a hobby or raison dêtre makes waking up easy. Having something to look forward to is key. Once work is something to just finish changes everything. Respect your "you" time and turn off all notifications from work you can. Find something that does bring you joy and do that until it doesn't. Then search for a new thing. Too often we expect a brutal competitive job to also provide us peace and tranquility. They are best kept separated in my experience.

[softfalcon]

Listen to this old timer. I'm only 32, but I've recently come to this conclusion as well around my career.

You have to be willing to let a job just be a job. No more, no less. Funnily enough, you'll often hear the same advice from older folks who own their own business. Even when the business is their own, they advise finding something else outside of the work to drive you.

The important thing is to have an invigorating activity you enjoy that is an outlet and not a chore. Work will always become a chore, that's why it's called work. Find that balance and you'll likely survive in the end.

[MD3XTER]

This must be one of the best advices that I saw here!

I completely agree on letting a job just be a job. We are so much more than our work.

A phrase I was practicing a while ago was: "I am not my work, my family or my friends". I would repeat it a few times over and over. It helped me a lot to detach myself from my worries/expectations about work, friends and family.

I actually did a podcast on the exact same topic "You are not your Work, Family or Friends" that might be useful for someone: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5q1hAzjRCYkCEsLERvr1zE?si=Z...

[markus_zhang]

I have to admit, at 40 a raison dêtre is still escaping from my grasp, even with family, work and hobbies.

Not sure if I'm going to find one for my whole life but whatever.

[snarf21]

Is there way to help others in your life? Either by volunteering or via your hobbies? Selflessness is very cathartic in my experience.

[markus_zhang]

You have a point. I'm actually thinking about it. Helping other people is probably the only thing that made me happy throughout life. Unlike others such as gaming that only keep me happy when I was younger.

[snarf21]

For sure .. I've also found it helps if your hobbies involve others aren't solitary .. Even playing a MMO or FPS online is quite different than being in a board game group or kayak club .. Good luck!!!

[flippinburgers]

To expand on the personal preference this part can be either a blessing or a curse depending on whether or not you are in a position to be able to force decisions in the codebase. It grinds my gears having to work with nitpickers but I am currently trapped in that kind of setting at my current job. It sucks.

[angarg12]

Obviously I don't have the details of your situation, but using terms like love or hate my job are a warning sign.

First, I would advice to stop using the love your job mental model. Instead look into the concept of "Career Capital" from So good they can't ignore you.

Second, here is another mental framework and exercise that I recommend to my mentees. Rather than thinking about job satisfaction as a line between "love" and "hate", think of it as a measure in a multidimensional space. Maybe you work with cool tech, but the commute is killing you. Maybe you have tons of fun with you colleagues, but it pays way below market.

Every day write down your mood, and what caused that mood. Maybe you are angry because of a bad interaction with your boss. Maybe you are unhappy because Tim got the new cool project again and you are stuck doing grunt work. Maybe you had fun when you went out for lunch with your team.

Once you have enough data points you can start observing patterns. I find people hardly ever completely hate every single aspect of their jobs. Most often there is a few factors driving the dissatisfaction, that paint the whole experience badly.

Then you can decide what step to take next to improve on those points. Some actions might include doing things differently in your current position, change teams or change companies (it hardly ever comes down to changing careers).

You might be thinking that this is a very long winded way of telling you to change jobs, but the self reflection step is important. I've seen people change jobs because they were unhappy, just to be unhappy in their next job. Often the reason is that they misinterpreted the reason of their unhappiness. Without that awareness they are bound to find themselves in the same situations over and over.

As a side note this isn't a replacement for help with anxiety and despair. If needed be look for professional help. Best of luck.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Good-They-Cant-Ignore-You/dp/14555091...

[ravenstine]

This is why, in retrospect, I miss my days as a junior engineer.

When I was a junior, there was plenty of room to learn and screw things up without much risk. I had plenty of opportunities to write brand new software for any which purpose, and the possibility of advancement was really exciting.

The longer my career went on, the more my job became about fixing crap, fighting brittle tests, and trying to squeeze enough information out of the org so I could actually get my job done properly. Now that I'm a senior engineer making above the average income for the role, the only advancement left for me is to become a lead or staff engineer, neither of which I am at all suited for. In either case, it would be more of the same.

I'd have more to say, but I've got to hop on a pair programming call with someone. :)

[aidos]

Don’t despair, it doesn’t have to be like that. Plenty of us have been doing this for decades and are still excited for what we get to create every day.

Sounds like you need to escape your current environment.

[digging]

I'm on the other side of the slump you're in. Also a career switcher over 30. I stuck it out in the same job because I had a lot of other stuff to work on in life and wanted to make use of my health insurance. And over time it got better, even though I still wanted to leave often, mostly because my skill level and confidence rose and I could more easily say "no".

But honestly, take a little bit of time every week, even if it's just 1hr a week, to start looking for a new job. There are better workplaces. And if you start interviewing now as much as you can stand, you'll be ready when you get a chance to actually jump into something better.

[schainks]

> wanted to make use of my health insurance

This is the root of a lot of emotional problems for employees in the USA.

[brailsafe]

I just got laid off (8 years into "career" or whatever) after months of my manager basically making me dread waking up, going to such lengths as to say I was refusing work when I was trying to manage the workload more sensibly and create new tickets for issues that were discovered during the sprint so that they could be dealt with when my priorities were taken care of. Some managers are garbage.

[thenerdhead]

Nobody loves a job where people constantly make bad decisions(or decisions you're not involved in) and you don't feel like you're doing the right thing(when you could be).

You're morally hijacked. That's no way to live a working life.

[kochthesecond]

The thing is, I just don't get it. Management treat the decisions like they don't have consequences, always getting stuck on local minima. If the plans had a vision with logical steps A --> B --> C where they would build and enhance on each other, we could make a great product. Why they seem incapable of stringing together a chain of priorities that actually make sense (synergy) I have concluded, is that they don't really use or care about the product we make. Otherwise their priorities would make more sense. They only manage to care about the balance sheet, which is good too I guess, but it does not make the greatest product...

[yamtaddle]

One of the more surprising things I've discovered is that, across the board, top-to-bottom of the social and economic pyramid, there seems to be a lot less concentration of competence, intelligence, and sense as one moves upward, than one might think. Not none, but... very little. Shockingly little.

[thenerdhead]

There is a difference between leadership and management. Leaders do the right thing. Managers do the thing right.

Leaders are very rare, especially in corporate.

[quechimba]

I've been there. Find someone to talk to before you crash. And take a vacation if you can. Travel to a different country, experience something completely different. Also, find another job. All companies are different.

Stress is good if there's a lion praying on you and you need to take immediate action to avoid being eaten. With this constant work stress it's like there's a lion nearby all the time. It's difficult to enjoy a dinner in a nice restaurant if you're about to be eaten by a lion. The brain doesn't distinguish stress caused by deadlines from stress caused by a deadly animal who can attack at any time.

You are the most important person in your life. Don't forget that. <3

[MD3XTER]

True! You are your best friend. All the answers are within you already!

[quechimba]

Yeah, you have to be... Treat yourself as if you were your best friend. What would you tell your best friend if they were in the same situation? Then do that.

That's what a friend told me once. However in reality it's usually not that simple because it's easy to make up excuses... It's not easy to be human.

[cmarschner]

If you‘re only 2.5 years in there‘s plenty if time to look for something else. Maybe you have a talent or skill that can get you closer to being happy

Try that with 15 or 20 years under your belt and a mortgage and a family… it‘s hard

[kochthesecond]

FWIW, I myself have to stop myself from caring as much, otherwise I get depressed and paralyzed by decision fatigue and deadlines. When someone sets an unrealistic deadline, that must their cross to bear. I like many parts of my job, the people there are good to work with, but we are a bit one dimensional and never reserve time for anything just social or fun. It was fun for a couple of years, but now I actually miss some team building fun a couple of times every year! I dont really feel anxiety Sundays, but I do worry if there is a crisis when I'm on holiday...

[MD3XTER]

Sending you a lot of love my friend!

I would suggest to get a therapist. Don't overthink it and don't search for the best one. Just find someone to share what you are going through. Sometimes it can be even a good friend. It will help you a lot to take this rock of your chest for now. I didn't try BetterHelp, but people talk good things about it and it might actually be the fastest way to reach a therapist depending on where you live. If you can't afford a therapist, I recommended in my article to try "Woebot Chat App". It really helped me when I didn't have the money to afford a therapist!

But this of course won't just fix your situation right away. You will need to change some things in your life. Sometimes even your identity in terms of who you are and what you do daily. Maybe change your environment, cut toxic friends, etc.

It's a long way, but trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even, if it sounds cliché!

Feel free to email me at: [e-mail]. Sometimes just sharing with someone what you are going through and knowing there are people who listen can make a very big difference!

Again, sending you much love! <3

[nickd2001]

The mental state you describe is not at all unusual for someone working in tech. Try working in the public sector (gov't / academia / non-profit etc) . You won't get paid as much (although you might get a decent pension and other perks). There may be a certain amount of beaurocracy / other nonsense. However, chances are you get to work on interesting stuff with nice people, and since the profit motive is missing, the stress and crazy deadlines are less. You get to do things of long-term value, and deliver things for the sake of delivering them, rather than to get customers paying £/$ by time X. Flexible or even part-time working policies can be more common too. I've worked more in private sector than public, but now in public hopefully for long-term. Its certainly worth spending some time in private sector, but public sector has. a lot to offer too especially as you get older and/or have kids, etc. Good luck :)

[tarruda]

Is your manager or anyone else in the team harassing you?

If not, then your anxiety might come from an expectation that you must love every part of your job. Use something like pomodoro (this is simple and works: https://brainpls.work/) to do one task at a time. Once your work day is over, go do something you enjoy.

[boredemployee]

>> Is your manager or anyone else in the team harassing you?

No that's not the problem.

I suffer a lot with context switching all the time, I'm responsible for many serious things that could lead the startup to a completely failure.

I'm really not sure if I have the skills for the task/challenge, etc. People like me and my job, but I'm pretty sure I don't have the skills for so much just yet, I think that is the source of all the anxiety. Plus doing/feeling it 8h/day every day kills my mind.

[tarruda]

> I suffer a lot with context switching all the time, I'm responsible for many serious things that could lead the startup to a completely failure.

I believe I'm in a similar situation. Currently on a small startup where I do backend/frontend programming in Typescript, C, Golang and Lua across multiple different projects. I'm high on ADHD and context switching is very difficult to me, to the point where if I start a day working on a project and finish it early, I end up not switching contexts until the next day.

> I'm really not sure if I have the skills for the task/challenge, etc. People like me and my job, but I'm pretty sure I don't have the skills for so much just yet, I think that is the source of all the anxiety.

This seems a bit like imposter syndrome. When I was younger (38 now, almost 20 years working as a programmer) it bothered me when I was not working hard and I felt the need to always show myself being very productive. In time you will learn to care less about how you are perceived at work.

> Plus doing/feeling it 8h/day every day kills my mind.

Do you really code 8h/day? If so you seriously need to lower your pace as this is not sustainable. Pick one or two cognitive heavy tasks you can complete in a couple of hours and once done do light things such as answering questions on slack, writing documentation. Also take healthy pauses to read HN and other articles you find interesting (this is what I'm doing now).

Overall, try to view your job as a marathon and not as a sprint. It is fine to work hard when on a tight deadline, as long as it is the exception.

Here are other very good answers in this HN thread:

- https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35793026 - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35793147

[yamtaddle]

> I suffer a lot with context switching all the time, I'm responsible for many serious things that could lead the startup to a completely failure.

See if you can get some juniors to take on some of this. Agitate for some hiring, if you need to.

Delegating is how you move up the org chart. Which seems super-weird, like how you can just pay someone some money and then you own what they did—like, what? How does that work? Feels dirty and wrong. But, in fact, it's how everything works above the lower tiers of an organization, and at the top you really are just paying people money and then owning everything they did while you were paying them (then your job is to get someone else to pay you for that stuff—or, uh, to tell some other people to do that part for you, too).

However much it doesn't feel like it, telling others to do work isn't just work (well, "work") it's more prestigious work than actually doing stuff. A career-advancing response to having too much to pay attention to can be, I shit you not, finding other people to do it instead.

[vldx]

OTOH, this is how you grow. Every employee tends to rise to their level of incompetence. If you haven't yet, the following book by Gerry Weinberg may resonate with you, as it has lots of insight in this context -- "Becoming a Technical Leader: An Organic Problem-Solving Approach".

> "It identifies which leadership skills are most effective in a technical environment and why technical people have characteristic trouble in making the transition to a leadership role. For anyone who is a leader, hopes to be one, or would like to avoid being one."

[datalus]

The sibling comment has the right of it from snarf21. Rarely does a job bring you into a state of self actualization. If it does, you're very fortunate!

I'm coming up on my second decade in the tech industry, and all I can say is you gotta find out what fills you up and do that outside of work like the others have said. I started out in the game industry thinking I had finally arrived, but quickly burned out and moved into web dev for most of my career.

I find working on pixel art, music, and tech in concert very fulfilling, but I don't think I could ever cede this to a company for marketing/support/etc. or turn it into some sort of income to pay my bills. Ultimately I set clear boundaries around work for delivering on my workload inside normal business hours and outside of that is fully my time.

[chasd00]

i was like this once, i broke down in tears each morning on the way to work because i hated it so much. I finally quit and got a different job (still doing software dev) and everything was so much better, i swear to god, even sunlight seemed brighter and warmer.

[agumonkey]

Verbalizing and doing so publicly is already an immense step.

You told us what you dislike but what would you personally prefer ? is it only a manager level issue or maybe there are problems in how the team works ?

[JustSomeNobody]

> ... and/or doing the right thing.

As long as it is ethical, doing the "right thing" is doing what you're paid to do. If that means, for example, ship code that you might not like or think is not perfect, that's fine. It's not your code.

Don't worry, if you're still coding at 50, you'll have learned that you are not your job. As Elsa says, Let it go.

[sibeliuss]

Switch jobs if you can! It's the best way to learn and get out of the tunnel vision. (That said, too much job switching can be a red flag.)

[jacobsenscott]

You definitely need a new job. All jobs have their ups and downs, but they don't need to be all downs.

[thor_molecules]

are you me? hah :/