Ask HN: How do I cope with stress and axiety caused by big change in life?

[throwaway_43793]

I decided to quit my job, and go travel while exploring things I love, and working on my side projects.

It's the first time in my adult life that I won't have an income. I don't own an apartment and so I'm selling most of the stuff that I don't plan to take with me.

And I'm terrified. I have savings to finance that style of life, but I'm afraid that I'm doing a big mistake and a financial suicide. I'm afraid that it will set me back financially. I'm afraid that I won't be able to eventually return to the same lifestyle I have now.

I can't stay at my current job, nor look for any other job. I have severe burnout, and for a long time I wanted to focus more on myself and my hobbies, so I feel that this decision is the only one I have. I realize, rationally, that I can always stop the experience, come back, and find yet another job in tech. But my monkey brain is detached from it's rational part. And so I experience a lot of stress and anxiety. Especially when the apartment is becoming emptier, and this brings me closer to the realization that this is real, and is going to happen soon.

How do I cope with that feeling?

[sherilm]

Walked away from a successful career myself. Albeit, in my case I had all my financial ducks in a row. So take whatever I am saying with that in mind.

One thing we have to realize is that the anxiety is not going anywhere. You are trading one form of anxiety for another. But that doesn't mean anxiety is a signal of some sort.

If you don't quit, it's the anxiety of not taking action which you know is good for you. If you do quit, it's the anxiety of things not working out per plan.

I would also look closer into some of your "givens":

>"the same lifestyle I have now" - How do you define lifestyle? Money is one factor. Time, Energy, Identity are equally important, but often forgotten.

What you are attempting to do is by no means easy. But it's doable. It helps to have some frameworks in mind. I collected some over the years. You might find them useful: https://www.leadingsapiens.com/essential-career-change-frame...

[brudgers]

For me, relocating a household has always brought on a feeling that "I can't believe it is actually happening."

To a lesser extent, so have serious road trips.

And quitting jobs.

Now I realize that that sense of being lost is part of how learning and growing feels for me as an adult. I think that's because my comfort zones get deeper as I age and my awareness of the vastness of the accessible unknown increases.

I deal with it through experience. I've moved several times and made multiple road trips. The existential dreads are familiar as is the experience of their dissipation once the adventure is underway.

Of course that's just what works on my machine.

Good luck.

[mattmanser]

Back in the 90s a sabbatical was a fairly common thing in some professions.

Think of this as a sabbatical instead. It's unpaid, but your choice, and the pay from previous years is paying for it.

If you want to recover from burnout, I'd suggest that you don't add the pressure of starting side projects. Just enjoy some time off doing non-programming things. Maybe try setting a commitment of 1/2 year of no programming or side projects.

[iamflimflam1]

Back in 2007 I quit my job and went travelling for a year. I was pretty much out of touch with tech and didn’t have a laptop with me and smartphones did not really exist yet (I came back to the real world in time for the iPhone to launch). Honestly a year sounds like a long time, but the reality is not much really happens that quickly. It just feels like it does when you are close to it.

I felt terrified. I was/am quite an introvert and very shy. And my plan was to go backpacking by myself. A lot of my friends and colleagues thought I would be back within a week or so.

At times it was hard - but most of the time it was great and if you’re staying in hostels and you’re on one of the common routes then you are very rarely lonely.

There are some amazing places out there and it doesn’t have to cost a fortune to visit them.

[randomopining]

How old were you?

[iamflimflam1]

I was relatively old for a backpacker - I would have been 36. I had savings and was in a reasonable financial position. But I had no idea what I would do when I got back. I assumed after a year of not working I would be unemployable.

A year is not long - and if on you CV it says “travelling” or “sabbatical” No one will bat an eyelid.

[randomopining]

Nice. I did a lot of that in my early to mid 20's, and now because of covid and focusing on my job and having a GF -- haven't done it as much at all. Now at 31 i'm wondering if i'm "too old", but probably not at all.

[boredemployee]

You will literally need lots of deep breath my friend. It's not easy. I did that once and It worked really well, for 7 years. But then I had to get a job again and that's ok. Life is really dynamic and things can completely change out of nowhere (i.e: a worldwide pandemics), be optimisc, knowing that you'll have good and bad days will help your journey. Self-awareness, meditation and good relationships are the key. Learn to accept the unknown and that you're not in control.

[Mezzie]

You're so lucky! You get the opportunity to learn how to deal with the stress and uncertainty of life voluntarily at your own pace. That's great, and will help you in the future. (No sarcasm: I had to learn these lessons after getting MS my last semester of grad school which is the life version of learning to look both ways after being hit by an 18-wheeler.)

Something that I've found really helpful to remember is that human beings as an organism are made to withstand stressful periods. Observe how your body and thoughts react to the stress. Don't try to get rid of the anxiety: Acknowledge it. Planning can help as others have mentioned, but be careful not to fall into the trap of trying to plan for any eventuality: You'll be so busy planning that you won't get to heal from your burnout.

Accept the anxiety and stress and find out what activities ground you/calm you down. I recommend doing this before leaving if possible. The big thing is to learn to trust yourself and accept that the anxiety exists because you worry for your future - however, you're doing this for your future: If you continue on being burnt out it's worse for you in the long run. Your anxiety and stress is trying to protect you.

I wasn't able to just stop working, but I walked away from a 'good' job and worked retail for a while. Having the time to focus on myself, who I am, what I value, and why I wasn't happy before have put me in a much better place going forward. So that's where my advice is coming from - grains of salt etc.

[pinguin3]

Food diet, less sugar, fat. Eat more cacao, but with few sugar. Listen calming music. Make exercise. Block news and stressful information. Get rid of smartphone and social media

If that doesn’t work get a therapist.

Source: personal experience

[badpun]

> I have severe burnout

Just a comment on burnout. I'd say - burnout is a fact of life. In many professions, over 50% of people in them report as "burned out". We in IT can just quit and have fun for a couple of years, whereas people in less-paid professions can't and just have to trudge along, in spite of their burnout. Which indicates that it' wasn't as bad as one may think.

[susadmin]

Your first two words is your answer: "I decided." Make a decision and see it through. Anxiety lives between action and inaction.

[Wonnk13]

It sounds incredibly trite and cliche, but you have to make peace with the fact that the only constant in life is change. Everything is always changing. For a year or two I never found meditation to be anything other than silly breathing exercises, but about a year ago I downloaded the Waking Up app and it has literally changed my life. Maybe give it a try?

[cpach]

Another good aid when learning and practicing meditation is the Headspace app. I have found it to have a good impact on my wellbeing.

[dazc]

You mention side projects, are these earning any money or do can you do some remote freelance work? Having some form of regular income will have a huge impact on how well you cope with your new lifestyle. Not just the obvious effect of preserving your savings but also maintaining some kind of daily routine will be beneficial for your mental health.

[gt2]

A plan.

Make it based on the amount of runway you want to spend exploring this sabbatical and what you want to accomplish with your time while you're off.

E.G. a list of things to see, experience, and hobbies to pursue (possibly with specific goals/outputs, but then again I don't want that to stress you out).

[justinram11]

I agree with the financial plan -- draw a line in your bank account for when you will start looking for a job again.

You can then calibrate what you want to do with approximately how much time you want to take off (i.e. it's much cheaper to backpack around SE Asia [sans the plane ticket] than it is to take a luxury vacation in Switzerland).

Would suggest not having an experience plan though -- I did something similar after graduating college (with very little financial safety net) and the most liberating thing ever was to wake up everyday and not have a plan for what I was going to do that day (I'm smiling right now at that feeling).

Book a flight to Bangkok, get a hostel for 3-5 days to get over the jetlag, and plan your trip as you go -- you never know who you're going to meet along the way or where the wind might take you.