Ask HN: How do you handle your “personality” at work?

[hominidonearth]

Kind of difficult title to write but this is constantly something that's on my mind in the professional sense. I'm a software dev and don't have concerns with my technical abilities per se but am always second guessing how I behave or present my personality at work. I'm always professional and that's not explicitly a concern but am rather focused about "showing too much personality". I've literally always wanted to work as an engineer since I was a child and am genuinely happy and grateful to be able to work in a technical role (am the type who does not _optimize_ for pay because I gain more enjoyment just doing the job - yes pay is important too and that's not lost on me).

To elaborate on this I'd describe myself as usually "excitable" or "jolly" in social situations because I genuinely enjoy talking/conversing with others and hearing what they have to say etc. This often isn't focused on "personal subjects" (unless appropriate) but rather technical topics (much of why I enjoy HN and other technical/applied-knowledge forums).

My conflict is that behaving like this just doesn't feel right. I almost feel that "showing personality" gives others the impression I am lacking technical skills or don't take things seriously. The majority of people I've worked with in engineering positions seem so calm, composed, and stoic. I find these character traits admirable but they don't necessarily come naturally to me. I worry that during interviews I come across as a "risky hire" and the behavior described is "holding me back" in some way.

This was mostly a rant up to now and it's nice to organize thoughts and get to "what's the point of writing this"?

I think working in/at/for an Organization is partially about "conforming" to the group and being able to fit-in (or just not sticking out). This can be relevant for career advancement among other things. At the end of all this I just feel that I don't fit-in.

This is probably a double-edged sword and others may feel a similar way about things in reverse.

Regardless, am curious if others feel/have felt this way and if there are thoughts about this dynamic in general.

cheers

[sherilm]

Some thoughts:

> "excitable" or "jolly": This by itself is not a problem unless it is out of context with the rest of the situation. If behavior is out of sync with the situation this can easily be misinterpreted as a lack of understanding.

> seem so calm, composed, and stoic : This can easily be disengagement. So don’t put too much weight on this. Although that’s what corporate culture wants you to be: “uber rational”. Humor as you noted, can easily be construed as lack of control on emotions.

> "showing too much personality" : This can be a stumbling block based on the overall culture of the company and also your direct managers and what their attitudes are. Some won’t care, while for others this might make them insecure. “Deviant” often gets misinterpreted as “defiant”, or as asking for too much attention aka high-maintenance.

> working in/at/for an Organization is partially about "conforming" to the group and being able to fit-in : As much as organizations try to deny this, it’s very much a reality. At the end of the day companies are made up of humans and we are biased. There’s research since the mid 70s that even has a name for how people often get picked for promotions on how well they fit with the overall philosophy that goes unsaid but exists regardless - Implicit Leadership Theory. I riffed on this a bit(link below) that might useful.

https://www.leadingsapiens.com/implicit-leadership-theory-ef...

[hominidonearth]

Thanks very much for the thoughts. Do not believe to have heard of ILT before and found the visual, among other things, to be insightful; great website as well.

[comprev]

In industries like tech which have a large percentage of non-neurotypical (not quite sure how to describe it - suggestions?) people, it's fairly common to have a "work" and "home" version of yourself. It's exhausting but necessary.

For example, someone who might suffer from depression/anxiety/bipolar or a dozen other conditions will have to look in the mirror and put a smile on before meeting their colleagues each day.

The stigma around conditions can very quickly change the opinion of colleagues/management (whether intentional or not) and could result in situations like "Can we trust Joe Bloggs to finish X on time for client Y, or will he be in the middle of another depressive episode for which _we_ all need to pick up the slack? Is this a risk we can take?"

Before you know it, Joe Bloggs is on a "Perfomance Improvement Plan", and because he didn't raise his condition/illness before with HR (through fear it would haunt him)... Joe Bloggs is quickly out the door.

I would go so far as to say it's the norm in tech for a large number to have a different work/home personality.

[uejfiweun]

The word you are looking for is neurodivergent. And yes, I absolutely agree. There are things that I would just never say/do as a tech worker.

[comprev]

neurodivergent - noted, thanks. I knew it was neuro-something!

[tacostakohashi]

The way you tell it, it sounds like you are passionate and talkative, which is mainly a good thing, unless it's so extreme that it's distracting and annoying.

It's important to fit in, but people also like people that are authentic, passionate and stand out in some way.

Fitting in and conforming to the group will stop you from being below average and an outsider, but will also stop you from excelling and being a leader.

It's kind of like dressing or fashion - it's better to wear a smart suit and tie to blend in than wearing something scruffy that sticks out as bad, but it's even better if you can own a look that sticks out as unique, like Steve Jobs with the black turtlenecks.

[rdegges]

Welcome to my world -- we're extremely similar =) I'm also always in a cheerful mood, expressive, and jolly.

While some people prefer to keep a separate personal and professional identity, I chose to do the opposite and refused to create separate personas. I'm 34 atm, and have been working in industry full-time since I was 20.

Here's a few observations from my own experiences here:

1. If you're willing to bring your personality to work with you, it'll help you make friends. Some of my best friends are people I've met through work while just "being myself". 2. It opens opportunities you may not be aware of. Years ago I ended up switching from being a founder/CTO-type to working in Developer Relations where I would spend ~50% of my time building software and ~50% of my time doing marketing-related work (writing articles, giving presentations, etc.). I fully attribute this shift to my personality, and it's been a great fit. I really enjoy the work I do and feel like I can be my authentic self at work. 3. I've also been in situations (similar to what you describe) where I don't fit in with the corporate culture. For example, I worked at Okta for ~4.5 years or so and didn't blend in with the corporate culture AT ALL. I still feel like I enjoyed myself and made a large impact, but I certainly wasn't expecting to become a VP there or anything like that.

My advice: just be yourself and optimize your work so it's something you can fully enjoy without putting on an act.

[dougmwne]

The worksona is a thing. My worksona doesn’t swear or drink, doesn’t have ADHD, doesn’t have any real hobbies outside of work besides home maintenance and travel to blandly popular locations like the beach, and yes, stoically takes in the details of a client need and makes unbiased recommendations. At some jobs, my worksona has been straight, if the situation called for it.

For further reading, watch Severance.

My real persona might be conspiring to eliminate my worksona, because fuck that guy.

[robofanatic]

I guess dealing with people wearing worksonas is OP’s real problem. As someone said in the comments below “just be yourself”

[gravitate]

> but am rather focused about "showing too much personality"

Don't confuse colleagues with friends. Colleagues can become friends if your vibe matches theirs, but don't equate colleagues with friends.

[hominidonearth]

For sure, I don't identify that to be a source of friction nor am I seeking to become true friends with colleagues. Am a friendly person in general though

[watermelon59]

I don’t have an answer to your specific question, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m also quite excitable and love talking not just about technical stuff, but all sorts of things. I’m quick to smile and laugh, and I probably overshare at times (that last one I had to learn to control).

I’ve had the same worry as you at times, but so far I’ve been 15 years into my career as a software engineer and it hasn’t been a problem as far as I know.

[hominidonearth]

Thanks for the thoughts, this is nice to hear.

[qumpis]

Why do you care what others think of you, even if you show your true self? If they're not repricocating, then maybe your behavior isn't as innocent as you think?

It would be great to see an example of how your behaviour is in the workplace compared to others'.

I personally like working with people with personalities and not robots (though getting others to show their colors also requires yourself to put some effor).

[hominidonearth]

Don't necessarily "care" but do take thoughts into consideration, how else can we improve or change our existing ways? Do really wish I could not give a fock though sometimes, it can be cool when people behave that way but can also lead to disastrous consequences. That's a great point about innocent behavior, am super careful on this and truly act in way that I think is professional and appropriate - am not unhinged or anything. This is a topic of conversation I make sure to have with peers and managers and have no reason to believe my behavior is inappropriate, nor has this been a problem for me in the past. Thanks for the comment

[the_only_law]

> Why do you care what others think of you, even if you show your true self?

I really wish I could just not care about certain things and I certainly care less now than I have in the past, but it seems like who you’re friendly with and who’s friendly with you can mean the difference between success and failure. People in general seem very cliquey and being isolated is never fun.

[afarrell]

If you are worried about showing a personality trait at work, ask yourself: does this trait makes you seem more or less like a person who gets your job done well even when nobody is watching?

If an auto mechanic seemed really enthusiastic about cars, would you trust him to be knowledgeable and skilled enough to do a competent job repairing your car?

[austin-cheney]

Just be yourself.

If you have troubles with self-reflection, interpreting the non-verbal communication of others, or challenged by bias those are problems you will have to learn to solve. Modifying or restricting your personality to compensate will do you harm.