[O__________O]

Actually, I don’t agree with the whole date friends of friends or joining an existing social group is a good approach, or at the very least, it has pros and cons. When dating from a pool of like that, people tend to act significantly different and if short term relationship fails to become long term relationship, it generally has a negative impact on one of the individuals and/or group.

[est31]

> When dating from a pool of like that, people tend to act significantly different

Can you expand on this? Because the only thing I have in mind is that it's actually beneficial to meet people from such groups, compared to apps, or clubs/bars/parties. I had way better experiences in those friends groups than in the other places, even when it's just the types of rejections you receive.

I agree with the second statement, that it is more awkward in a friends group when a short relationship is over, compared to not meeting someone any more you only know from an app.

[O__________O]

Sure, happy to clarify anything, including why I see engaging an existing social group with the intention of finding a long term relationship as problematic.

In my experience, way people act in a relationship long term is frequently is more comparable to how people act around strangers than within an existing social group. Common example of this would be if you’re on a date with a stranger and they just randomly leave, are mean to waiting staff, etc — though they would not likely exhibit that same negative behavior the date was from a existing social group because of the negative blow back.

[est31]

That's a fair point, a test in an environment where social norms force conformance to rules is less helpful than such a test where there is no/little social enforcement against bad behaviour. The same time though, when you are in a dating environment, then you know that the other partner is also judging you. So sure there are people who leave on the first date and stuff like that, but people will always present some version of themselves towards people, whether you are a stranger or a friend. But lying to a friend circle for a long time is much harder than lying on someone you only met through some internet chat app with pictures

For example, it's easy for a cheater to not tell on apps that they are in a relationship, while it's tough to lie to an entire friend circle about that. They would have had to join the friend circle just with the plan to mislead people. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that it's a higher bar. Like leaving an unlocked bycicle around vs one that can be opened in 10 seconds with a 50$ tool: with the first you can drive off immediately upon discovery while the second requires you to bring the tool with you.

[O__________O]

Just to be clear, I agree it would be harder to cheat for a potential long term mate from an existing social group. That said, if a potential partner was a cheater, it’s highly likely that it would be much easier to figure out if a stranger is cheating than someone from an existing social group, since they already are aware that they need to be careful if they don’t want to be caught.

Said another way, it’s ultimately impossible to know for sure if someone is cheating without reaching the point of being equally toxic by not respecting an individual’s right to privacy, independence, etc.

[hungryforcodes]

I agree with you, but read what I said again and understand I'm not suggesting dating friends of friends or known social circles.

You need to date kind of "anonymously" (to avoid exactly what you are talking about), but with people that have similar interests. So in short form I'm talking about meeting up with people of similar hobbies or interests (rock climbing, board gaming, going to raves, whatever)

[O__________O]

You’re right, so jaded by whole dating within an existing social group that I responded just based on that.

Also, I agree, the whole love at first sight is for sure a very real pattern, and uncommon for friendships to develop into something more. That said, in truly long term relationships, vast majority of those types of feelings significantly fade after the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship. Further, if someone is with you for example financial reasons, it’s much less likely they’ll stick around if financial hardships are experienced or they find someone else with significantly more financial resources.

My thesis is not so much to grow friendships into non-platonic relationships, but that relationship attributes are predictable among platonic and non-platonic relationships and that by requiring someone build a “relationship reputation” first, then when engaging other users in the context of going on a date, there’s a much higher chance that they’ll actually have relationships skills.

Whole shared interests aspect is also a frequently sighted as a desirable aspect of a relationship, though rarely good predictor of relationships skills.