[throwaway11823]

They are lovely and compassionate people, they're simply unable to extend that to me, partly because they're blinded by societal expectations of men (they often don't really see me as an emotional creature), partly because they lean on me for support, and so the idea that I might not be an unshakable pillar is terrifying for them. When I go to them for support, it's not that they don't want to provide it, it's that they fail to.

I'm sure that somewhere out there is a person (or hundreds or thousands of people) who would be a perfect friend to me, but I doubt I'll ever meet them. It's pretty difficult to make friends as an adult, and every friendship I have made as an adult has been fleeting and fairly shallow.

It's bearable. Therapists exist for a reason.

[1659447091]

Sounds like a similar situation I had where the relationship dynamic that was created at the start was the main cause for the issues later.

I recently went through a purging of many of these one sided relationships. People I thought were friends, the kind who I would show up for and never ask for anything, but when it came time for me to need someone to lean on it was crickets. They are not bad people, I wouldnt have wasted time on them if they were, but now we are no longer compatible since my standards changed. (for both my approach and theirs)

It took some time to realize how un-healthly keeping that dynamic around had been, and that I am better off mostly alone doing my life while meeting new people (though it is difficult to make new friends).

There was one, even with their own limitations at the time, that tried to be supportive without making jokes or other weird behaviour I got from others. The surprising part was I had known them for a long time but they are at a distance and the relationship was mostly just sending jokes and random comments to each other from time to time. They are still in my life and the relationship changed to the supportive kind (still w/jokes) that I thought I had built w/others. My take is that the relationship wasn't built on a dynamic where they came to see me as an unshakable pillar so it wasn't confusing or awkward for them.

[Remnant44]

I feel this one deeply. I was in a similar situation in a past relationship; The traditional male role of "unshakeable pillar" meant that support was a one directional flow only, and any mention of feeling down or bad would cause a huge fight or fear response.

Unfortunately I don't have any great advice to solve this, except that therapy can be really helpful here, if just to provide a compassionate person to talk to.

[whstl]

I can relate. I actually had a friend tell me "if you ever think of killing yourself, get in touch with me" after an acquaintance committed suicide. Well, I did have a depressive episode and got in touch for help, but got radio silence. Soon after the friendship was dead, he lost interest and couldn't hang out. Now I rely on therapy only.

[bittercynic]

I don't want to excuse your ex-friend's behavior, but I'm afraid a lot of people have no idea how to be of use to a friend who's going through such an episode.

Suggestions to those who don't know what to do:

Can I take you out to lunch? I found a new spot I think you might like.

Want to go to <nearby park> and take a walk?

Want to play catch?

Want to come over for dinner?

I was hung up for a long time because I don't know how to solve any serious personal problems, so I thought I couldn't be of any use. But just being there for someone, inviting them to something nice, and being a good listener can help. And it might be enjoyable for you, too.

[whstl]

Those are great suggestions, and they would have worked wonders for me. Thanks for doing the work of helping others.

In my case I wasn't even that in need of an ear, as I had a therapist on speed dial. I just wanted to see someone, for life to go on. The sudden distance, silence and unmade plans made me feel like a leper.

[Viliam1234]

> They are lovely and compassionate people, they're simply unable to extend that to me

Imagine that I told you about a group of people who, for example, "are lovely and compassionate, they are simply unable to extend that to black people". Would you agree with those adjectives?

> It's bearable. Therapists exist for a reason.

Maybe the things that are "bearable, but require a therapy afterwards" should be improved.