[standardUser]

I really like the thrust of this argument (loneliness is about not being understood) but I think the solution is off the mark...

> So it’s your task to make others understand you

There is another task that is just as important. You need to find people who are capable of understanding you. It may sound like a cart/horse issue where you need to understand enough about yourself to find people who are receptive. That my be true to a degree. But no amount of self-understanding is going to change how people respond to you if who you are is not comprehensible to those people.

As an example, imagine you are a straight man with many close friends who have known you for a long time. And at some point, you begin to grapple with the idea that you're not straight, but maybe bisexual. It is possible that some of your old straight friends will have the capacity to listen and understand and respond in ways that make you feel known. But it's not necessarily likely. And if those are the only people you are close to, no amount of self-knowledge is going to change their capacity to make you feel seen and heard.

You're gonna need some new friends.

[jongjong]

>> You need to find people who are capable of understanding you

This is spot on. I made a comment independently which made a similar point. Also, people who are too memetic (who tend to want what other people want) tend to lack self-understanding.

Such people tend to feel uncomfortable when they hang around other people who understand themselves because it makes them question their own motives and realize that their desires were never their own to begin with.

They are not capable of figuring out the meaning of their own life so they keep trying to borrow it from others around them and the futility of this makes them feel lonely. They can never find someone who can fill that void but they can't stop looking for them.

[prometheus76]

BTW it's "mimetic" as in "mime" or "copy" as opposed to "memes".

[jongjong]

Makes sense. Thanks for pointing this out.

On a tangent, I can see a connection between the concepts 'meme' and 'mime'. I suspect they both involve mirror neurons. Viral memes spread by being relatable.

[prometheus76]

The phrase comes from the work of Rene Girard. Look up "mimetic theory" or "mimetic desire" if you want to learn more about the concept.

[revskill]

In my case, humor is effective way to know if others understand u or not. You make humor (that you find it's a humor), but not all others understand it a humor.

[dgb23]

That's a big one. I think humor can often be a tool to share pain and relief. A group with a stronger connection can stomach and seek out more chaotic and darker humor as well as deeper sarcasm, because there is a common understanding, comfort, trust and shared pain.

[RHSman2]

Humor brings down walls and people allow vulnerability out.

[rjzzleep]

Is sexuality the only conflicting thing we can think of nowadays? I can think of at least 10 things people might freak out about me, without even getting to thinking about what sexuality I may have.

In general I agree with the premise of "You need to find people who are capable of understanding you".

It's actually a combination of that and your feeling about yourself. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I'll just call it once you're in balance with yourself, i.e. in an okay(maybe not perfect or ideal) mental state, and you have some sort of pillar you can lean on(your beliefs, your understanding of the world, etc.), then its no longer about your desire to get others to accept you, but rather putting yourself in an environment where you feel okay.

[eyelidlessness]

OP chose it as example. It’s one I can relate to as a person who realized my queerness late in life, and still selectively “out”. My reaction was similar to OP’s, but the example I thought of was finding out I’m autistic. I understand myself a great deal better knowing that, but it hasn’t exactly made people more willing to get to know the me I can better explain.

There are tons of examples OP could have chosen, this was just one that they did. It’s not the only example, but not everything needs to be exhaustive to be valuable for thought and discussion.

[acdha]

It’s not the only one but it’s a very good example of how social dynamics can change with the additional of new knowledge, even if it’s inconsequential for the learner. It’s reportedly better now but my gay friends all have these horrible stories about how people they used to get along with fine cut them off abruptly or even got violent once they came out. Most similar intensity responses are for things like racism where there’s not the surprise whiplash element.

Another one I’d use is leaving an insular religion but the way that works tends to mean fewer people have observed it (e.g. if you don’t hang around with fundamentalists you probably haven’t witnessed it first or second hand).

[RajT88]

> I can think of at least 10 things people might freak out about me

Wow! I'm a total weirdo and I can only think of like 4-5.

[lkois]

As far as making their point goes, sexuality is a pretty convenient placeholder for issues of identity.

As for reaching personal balance independently, it's a much shorter path to self acceptance moving from environments that stifle you to one's that encourage. Perhaps largely because it answers the question of whether there might actually be something wrong with you, and not everyone else. Before even getting into the possibility of actually thriving.

[PartiallyTyped]

I'd add that nothing with sufficient complexity can be adequately described in a simple words, let alone explained in a concise yet simple manner.

You may go up in abstraction to make it concise, but this risks either oversimplifying to the point that all nuance is lost and you feel alone, or requiring that the other person shares sufficiently overlapping definitions. They may probe further to build said abstractions, but this requires a time investment, and as you said, the capacity to relate to some extend.

I believe that a person who understands themselves well is bound to have a rich inner world and abstractions that adequately describe them while feeling very natural but because we are all humans with our own subjective experiences, finding people with similar abstractions - and experiences - such that we can relate to each other is difficult.

[david38]

Richard Feynman did a pretty good job

[cat_plus_plus]

You guys discuss your sexuality with your friends? This seems weird, I don't think keeping some things private means one is lonely. Of course, at some point my friends will meet my spouse, which is broaches upon the topic. But in this context, it's clear that they are not potential targets of my sexuality, so there is no tension introduced. Also, once I have a significant other, I am no longer that lonely and I am open about my sexuality with at least one person.

[stasbar]

I agree with most of what you said; however, I believe that once you really understand yourself you also:

1. Understand others, therefore can describe them in a way suited to their way of thinking. This is probably controversial assumption but I believe people are unconstrained, everyone can understand everything, it may just require more time. If you believe people are constrained, or just don't want to spend time on them—find people who are capable of understanding you right away. By being honest about yourself you will attract like-minded people. The process of "explaining yourself" obligates you to approach new people (not only your current closest) and explain them your existence. If you feel understood only by your closest friends, then you are not good at expressing yourself.

2. become less self-concerned. You no longer seek validation and significance—you are fine with being normal. You no longer need someone who will make you less lonely, someone who will fix your flaws. You no longer focus on yourself (you know this guy good enough), rather, you pay all the attention to others, you become emphatic, which connects with others, and thus you become less lonely.

3. You can honesty communicate your needs, fears, desires, emotions. They are part of you, and hence it's your responsibility to explain them to others. Don't expect people to read your mind. Don't run away using abstractions, give concrete examples. If you believe in small lies for a greater good, then you are not communicating yourself. If you consider breaking up with your SO, talk about it with him/her, not your friends. If your boss annoys you, tell him which actions annoys you. It requires a lot of courage therefore little people do so, but not doing it results in loneliness. You have a choice.

[RHSman2]

When you connect with another human who sees you, life becomes full of color.

I think a lot of our societal issues stem from not being able to connect authentically.

[stasbar]

Exactly!

[Blackstone4]

Making someone feel seen and heard is a skill…if one doesn’t have that in their family or friendship group then that is a real shame. I believe that nuance was missed in your analogy.