| My reply to the user andrewmcarter who deleted their comment: I thought I am an extremely lazy person who hates to work for 25 years. That it's ADHD was suggested to me a year ago and it was confirmed on EEG scans, by psychological evaluation and by taking medication that actually worked - however it also made me paranoid (extremely, pushing me out of normal reality) and I have other (physical) medical condition that made it unsustainable. Yes, my code is in production and people (users as well as other devs) love it. Future maintainers always praise it for its readability and simple extensibility. I co-founded a startup (niche CRM/ERP kind of app) and got it working within a month and we got customers actually using the app and investors thanks to that. However the investors pushed me out when they found out I am not working for extended periods of time. I got some small amount of money but was forced to leave my stake. Indeed, I am not comfortable with failing anymore. Now it's so bad I just can't have interviews anymore, I start shaking and can't think at all - a decade ago I used to have very high self esteem and didn't have this kind of problems, it's indeed a developed condition. I'm not paying for my medical services. I pay mandatory health insurance which is priced by the state based on a minimum and/or a percentage of my income. Academia/school is torture because the fuckers were screaming at me all the time for not completing homework, because I always shut down when I had to do something on the blackboard in front of the classroom, etc. I guess university might be different but I'd have to complete the 3 remaining years of high school to get there. Anyways from what my Gf experienced at the university it's terrible there too so I'm not really motivated to go this way, doesn't seem like a solution. It's not like I am playing video games instead of doing the stuff I need to do. I really truly want to do it. I am sitting in front of it, I don't browse internet or whatever. I have the work in front of me, but my brain is shut down, unable to have a single thought. I am sitting like this for hours, wishing with all of my willpower to just do the thing, but can't have an intelligent thought. |
It sounds to me like you're asking too much of yourself. Since failing isn't an option, anything less than succeeding at what you do next will make you unhappy.
I hope that I can remind you that it's OK and normal for people to just not be able to focus for periods of time. That's the human condition.
Go easy on yourself and take it one step at a time. But remember too, all the world over, the majority of people are working individuals. We all have to labor. No one wants to work with someone not working for extended periods of time. You have to try. Just do it slowly and consider pairing with someone; it's OK.
I wish you the best.