[Comevius]

Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through, because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is.

The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help.

The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful.

The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap:

1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly.

2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits.

3. Make it timely.

Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest.

Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist).

Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.

[vidyesh]

I am a victim of bursts of motivation and then suddenly I have zero energy to keep up with what I have been doing which was good for me. And then I slowly slip into the bad habits I thought I had gotten rid off and then motivation comes back and the vicious circle continues.

I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by the end of the day which can give that balance you need to keep going everyday without wavering from your goal(s).

But I seldom read about how to replenish energy effectively or how to have enough energy that by the end of the day you don't crash but have enough energy to keep doing things you want to do.

[Comevius]

It's because it's complicated, your energy is the product of your physical, mental and social environment, including your body and mind. It's a resource that affected by your health as much as you perception and abilities, and in turn all of these affect each other, they are interconnected, and it's all a big jumble. Eat right, think right, move right is all you can do, but if you have an underlying condition, you were abused as a child, or simply just live in the 21st century with all of it's stresses it's not that easy.

At the end of the day you are just one flimsy person in this big pile of spaghetti, surviving the best you can, so you have to learn to let it go. Not entirely, not to the point of an accelerated decay, but to the point of not taking life and yourself too seriously. You have to be like water.

[vidyesh]

> simply just live in the 21st century with all of it's stresses

All the listicles which talk about ways to replenish your energy talk about various healthy habits, and mostly psychological things which isn't possible in anyone who is struggling in this century or rich enough to delegate tasks and pass on the stressors.

If we cannot effectively replenish energy or manage our energy, I wonder where does it leave us?

And it feels like with certain healthy habits you can maximize your energy levels per day and achieving that likely means you have improved your life but beyond that there isn't much you could do to make the most of it. So eventually you comprise with yourself at some point?

[soheil]

I think the key is delegation as you point out. Having to do things that are awful and have zero contribution should be avoided. For example calling a customer service line and jumping through 5 really stupid automated prompts to talk to a human being who you can barely understand is one of them.

[vidyesh]

Basically the 'Eisenhower Matrix', I tried it and really struggle with the Delegation and Elimination task.

[seventhtiger]

I am too. The most interesting take I heard is that motivation is not the spark gets you going. It's one more impulse that a depressed impulsive person has. I give in to the impulse until I get all the dopamine I was gonna get out of it, then I impulsively abandon it just like I took it up.

So the intuitive idea that you start with a burst of motivation and then you maintain it with discipline is wrong. Motivation is exactly the kind of impulsive distraction that destroys discipline.

Starting with discipline means rejecting random motivation when it comes, just like you might want to reject candy or lighting up a joint. Starting with discipline means you make the commitment first, and you fight to stick to it without any of the motivational high.

From that lens, I started seeing "get my life together" thoughts at 1am to be as bad as the worst impulses I struggle with.

https://youtu.be/TImmiAS1USQ

[vidyesh]

Thanks for sharing the video. Very interesting points they bring up, our brain is efficient and resists change so it needs to be trained to thrive in adversity and the concept of seeking quick solutions than rather work for the change.

I also am very interested and very skeptical of the idea of limiting my action and not let it consume my energy. I thrive in flow state, so the idea of not giving into the flow state but instead cap it to few hours feels a little strange to me.

[xg15]

> Becoming a father should be able to help with that.

Gotta admit, on the first read I missed OP's announcement that he's about to become father already.

Just for the record, do not have a child as an attempt to escape depression :)

[throwawaywu]

I disagree. Having a fulfilling life in service to others and your family drives away depression.

[mynameisvlad]

Just like having a baby does not magically solve marriage issues, it does not magically cure the root causes of depression.

You might be temporarily applying lipstick to a pig which will gain you a bit of time, but it's not like it magically fixes any of the underlying issues.

If anything, it eventually loads far more stress onto you, making depression and burnout worse.

[esalman]

Can confirm this is not always the case, in fact you're likely to experience the opposite. Source: became father 1.5yrs ago.

If you are the mother you're more likely to experience postpartum depression. Even fathers experience depression. I have had to work full time, do household chores on top of keeping the baby happy, who didn't sleep well at all at night and even now does not. You're going to miss deadlines, fail to meet expectations, do lousy job of your assignments. All of that will or will not affect you, physically and/or mentally.

[drlolz]

can confirm that this is not universally true.

[jerglingu]

Bringing another life into this world is maybe one of the worst ways a person would try to solve depression

[gocartStatue]

May _or may not_ drive away depression. In my case it helped to exploit myself more than I thought is possible. Which eventually turned out ok, but took a few hard years of burnout, escapism and delusions.

[Scandiravian]

I think these are good pieces of advice, though I'd also add reaching out to trusted friends, family, and/or partner(s) to tell them about the situation

Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?"

Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days

Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)

[orblivion]

Regarding the dopamine hit, I decided to cut my coffee consumption to once a week back in May. (Also basically quit Twitter, though that was both positive and negative stimulation, so maybe it doesn't quite apply here). I knew I took it as an escape from difficult parts of work. It sometimes worked, it helped me power through stuff in the moment, but I had a hunch that it somehow was holding me back in the long run. Good to hear a similar thing echoed here. Perhaps my decision is paying off now.