[avoidantpd]

This is of course not to be taken as a diagnosis but something to look into.

You might have what’s called avoidant personality disorder.

There’s a subreddit if you’re interesting in learning more: https://reddit.com/r/avpd

One common theme which you alluded to in your post is the feeling of loneliness but also enjoying being alone.

Avoidants crave social interactions but also engage in avoidant behaviour. For example, someone invites you to a party and you decline but you actually really want to go (and might fantasise all night about being there and have pretend conversations in your head).

Again, this is not a medical diagnosis but hopefully can help you search some more and help figure out some stuff about yourself.

Good luck!

[browningstreet]

Me: New movie is coming out. I’m excited for new movie. I’m so excited about new movie that I buy tickets and choose seats. I tell my (whatever) how excited I am about new movie and that we have tickets. New movie is coming out. It’s the day of the movie — I start to feel lethargic. I don’t want to go see movie (different than “I don’t want to see movie”). I’m grumpy all day that I have somewhere to be at a time and place. I’ll hit a bottom. I go see movie. It’s great. After movie I’m spent.

Reason for sharing this: I like being alone. But if I have a life configuration that leaves me alone when others aren’t..: I might go through the inverse of this

Recently broke up. Ex- is being very social. I’m annoyed ex is being very social, I think I can’t be social, even when I confirm with myself that I don’t want to be social I’m still conflicted about it. When I went with ex- while being social, I flirted on edge and wasn’t social. I didn’t want to be there either.

I feel like this every time I read an article that says we have to have connections or we will rot in our old age

Or my employer tells me we have to come back to the office because “community”

I really actually do want to be alone 90% of the time. But not every part of my brain let’s me fully have that thought uncontested.

[kmnc]

As someone with avpd, it is truly brutal. It is a very severe form of social anxiety that usually ends up effecting all forms of your behaviour. Developing compulsive lying behaviours, even to the point of fraud, avoiding work even if it has no social component. I desire being invited to parties yet throw up with nerves before heading out, even if it is people I have known my entire life. A good therapist and being open to trying various treatments is really the only way to get help… yet doing so can be almost impossible for the avoidant.

[avoidantpd]

Yup, that's the catch-22. Therapy would help so much but good luck getting me to go see a therapist. It's such a painful existence sometimes.