[tjs8rj]

What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others?

I came from a less fortunate background in some ways, and LinkedIn has been a godsend for me to compare myself to others and get to where I want to be: I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. It’s almost like they’re my mentor and don’t even know it.

I wouldn’t say I’m wildly successful now, but any time I encounter someone noticeably “more successful” along the axes I care about, there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? I’m way more accomplished than I was even just a year ago, and I find myself saying that every year. I’ve sold businesses, lead teams, received awards, and have accomplished things that just a few years ago seemed like a pinnacle of success because of this mindset.

Comparing oneself to others is so powerful, especially now the availability of peoples background info basically makes it a labeled dataset for learning how to become “successful” in whatever way you define it. I think that’s always been the point of it biologically: if you’re worried you’re falling behind - fix it! The issue is the same as calorie counting: there’s a healthy way to do it and an unhealthy way. Most people compare themselves to others in the unhealthy way, so it’s unproductive and just anxiety-inducing. The healthy way uses that low level anxiety as a catalyst for action.

[unity1001]

> What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others?

Because the society's standards are capricious, and they change almost every decade. They can even suddenly change in a single year. What is 'the place to be' a yesterday could be a place that people don't want to be tomorrow. What's 'cool' yesterday can be 'lame' tomorrow. If one builds his or her life on the society's changing perspective, he or she can easily end up unhappy in a decade or two, being in a place and situation which does not merit the effor that went into it to get it and keep it.

The ideal is going in the direction which YOU want to go. Where YOU want to be. That's where all those 'inner drive' talk comes from. And they are right - in 10-20 years, all the people who had shaped the standards of the current society as adults or parents will be gone. The standards and perspectives will change. It happens every ~20 years. And when that happens, its better to have that 20 years lived by your own standards and drives than the ever-shifting societal standards.

[marginalia_nu]

I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be, not because social standards have forced anyone to do anything, but because they've accomplished (through intrinsic motivation) what I also set out to accomplish (through intrinsic motivation).

[unity1001]

> It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be

Its fully possible, but its also statistically improbable for enough number of people to be doing that, and even more improbable for it being a common aspiration in the society. The aspirations and standards of the society generally follow the lines of money and a hip/desirable status at any given time according to the dominant fad.

[hnfong]

I think what you're saying is "most people blindly follow trends", which might be true. But it seems totally orthogonal to whether somebody is comparing themselves to others because they are trend followers or not. Your argument basically is "but it's quite likely a random person is a trend follower anyway", but that's not a good reason to tell people to avoid compare themselves to others. Rather it's a good reason to tell people not to follow fads...

[unity1001]

> I think what you're saying is "most people blindly follow trends"

More than that. Society, especially parents, relatives and peer groups keep pressure on the individuals to follow the 'desirable' trends.

> "but it's quite likely a random person is a trend follower anyway"

Yes. That's quite likely. Because the general sample set available to the public for making comparisons, generally end up people who have followed the trends. Be it among the relatives, be it from the sample set at Linked in. You will scarcely find people saying 'I became a poet and Im happy' or "I followed my dream of becoming an oil rig worker instead of a lawyer". The public, vocal feedback will tend to follow the society's requirements.

[marginalia_nu]

I'm not sure I follow why that would be. Surely most people, even when intrinsically motivated, would be expected to gravitate toward certain common interests that are appealing to human beings at large.

You're more likely to find a human interested in learning to play the guitar than staring intently at a squirrel out the window for hours (although a a cat might be interested in that).

[unity1001]

> would be expected to gravitate toward certain common interests that are appealing to human beings at large.

They do. But these rarely end up being the jobs that the society respects and recommends. Things may change in near future with new ways of working and making a living. But currently, what you really want to do and what society things to be 'good' will likely not overlap.

[marginalia_nu]

Sure, but I can still envy and admire someone for succeeding according to my standards, regardless of what society says about them.

[cosmojg]

> there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”?

Therein lies the rub. Many have not developed this skill, and it isn't taught anywhere. In American culture, when a person verbally relates or otherwise expresses their negative emotions experienced as a result of comparing themselves with others, most other people will respond with some variation of "don't worry about it," whether that's friendly reassurance that their worth lies elsewhere or a bit of patronizing admonishment for immaturely keeping up with the Joneses in the first place. Rarely are people handed a guide to using those feelings constructively.

But yeah, learning to do so can get you quite far in life.

[mym1990]

I don't think there is an issue with it when done in moderation, but with social media it has become more wanting an end result without understanding the process or the risks involved with getting there. If studying others and using that knowledge to move up in the world is working for you and gives you fulfillment, I think that is a great thing.

[JohnFen]

> I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them.

I suppose that's a kind of "comparing yourself to others", but I think it's more accurate to say that's "learning from others" rather than comparing.

You are not assessing your worth based on the perceived worth of others. Your are spotting people who have accomplished things similar to what you want to accomplish and seeing how they got there.

Two entirely different things.

[xapata]

Not all success has deterministic causes.

[JohnFen]

People hate to admit this, but it's true -- success requires a large amount of pure, dumb luck.

That's not to say intelligent effort isn't necessary -- it is -- but it's not sufficient.