[mooreds]

This is a real tough one.

I have lived this and my best advice is that you should be equal partners. From personal experience, each partner contributes different strengths and abilities. Money is easy to divide and represents life energy but there is more to a partnership.

Equal partners does not mean exactly the same effort. Do you split the household chores exactly 50%? Probably not. I look at this in the same light.

Also, circumstances change. Right now your wife is making more money. If she suddenly got laid off, would you support her with "your" money? (Yes.) If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor? (No.) If you got a sizable gift from your parents, would it be yours singular or yours plural (plural). If she had a kiddo and wanted to stay home, would you support her with "your" money? (Yes.)

As far as nuts and bolts, talk about goals, talk about frustrations, talk about the challenges. There are financial counselors out there: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/13/business/financial-therap... they might be helpful. Or a straight up marriage counselor.

Compromise. Maybe there are things that your wife wants to buy that she feels like she should be able to. That should be a compromise and discussion because she wants to be in partnership with you.

Things to avoid:

   * hidden bank accounts
   * ignoring this issue

[pseudoramble]

I agree with the posters that said have a single pool of money and it becomes your money. Perhaps it won't work for everyone, but that's where I'm at.

That being said, I do appreciate your point about the chores. In other families often only one person is employed. The other person is also doing nearly 100% of the chores, or child care, parental care, or other things. It does deviate from the original question a bit, but I think it's important that there's lots of other labor in a family. It's critical to notice IMO because those will almost never directly add to your money number, yet you wouldn't ever skimp on it.

[drdec]

> If one of you got an inheritance, would that be carved off and only spendable by the inheritor?

Legally speaking, an inheritance is not marital property. If you put it in a joint bank account or use it to improve joint property it can become marital property however.

[mooreds]

You have a point, the OP owns his wife's startup jackpot in the eyes of the law. (Unless there's a prenup in the mix, which is not mentioned.)

But there's legal situations and then there is real life. If a discussion about money ever gets the lawyers involved, then the marriage is either way more high powered than anyone I've ever known or is in a pretty bad state.

[atwood22]

To me, it’d be pretty weird to enter a lifelong agreement with someone to share everything, but then as soon as you hit the lotto you start to squirrel things away on the side.

[tluyben2]

Yes, as you also share terrible things like stress, anxiety etc that often comes with these kind of jobs. It might not feel as much but I know quite a few cases where the stay-at-home person burnt out severely because of the stress transferred from top manager or director or trader type of functions. Just all a bit weird; shared is shared to me.