[cheschire]

I’ve noticed in myself and anecdotally in others that a lot of stubbornness in conversation simply comes from the desire for validation. Having someone acknowledge what I’m saying is generally enough to get a conversation moving forward, where ignoring or not responding to my input can cause me to fixate until I recognize what I’m doing and break myself out of it.

But if I feel mild validation, even if it is concluded with a “no”, I’m far more likely to consider myself having reacted “humbly” and more openly during the introspection I am forced to have at 3:45am the following morning.

Maybe this was all a tangential comment, but that’s the thought that was sparked by this post.

[twic]

Absolutely. And you can use that fact to steer conversations on a smoother course.

ME: We need to load the catalogue data into the app for this feature.

SOME IDIOT I WORK WITH: Well that's in the database of course, so that's easy.

ME (inside voice): It's not in the database. Why would you assume it was in the database? Because you are an idiot who makes assumptions.

ME (outside voice): Ah, well if the system was well-structured, of course you would be perfectly correct, but in this case, there is an unfortunate quirk, so, to my great surprise, that data is stored in XML files on this tape archive ...

[noduerme]

Just to be contrary, it's possible that you're reading too much into other people's responses if you're actually beating yourself up in the middle of the night about what someone meant or didn't.

Check out existential therapy. I'm not saying this to pathologize or minimize what you're saying, just that it's something I used to suffer from before I realized via (said therapy) that everyone else is just a narcissistic fuck living in their own narrative and they literally don't even remember what you said six hours later. It's very liberating once you absorb that. (obviously, what you write on the internet is forever, but that's kind of why you should be so much less anxious about your conversations IRL).

[BoxOfRain]

'People think about you enormously less than you think they think about you' was a really important realisation for my mental wellbeing! It's quite easy to demonstrate too, pick a random person in your life who you don't have a close relationship with and try and remember some random anecdote they mentioned a month ago.

This should be drilled into schoolchildren along with reading and writing I think, many people's teenage years are intensely stressful partially because of this false notion other people remember things you did in perfect detail.

[Jensson]

People have trigger words and phrases though, if you utter them the person will flip a switch in their head and now treats you differently. There isn't any nuance here, people don't think a lot about you so there isn't room for nuance.

And since they don't think a lot about you it means that you wont be able to make them flip that switch back unless you find some rare trigger phrase for it, or a very long time passes, or you can somehow make them think a lot about you.

[cheschire]

Oh my introspection isn’t self flagellation. I don’t think about ways I could’ve improved my talking. It’s more in the same vein as how I will go back and look at projects I’ve completed a few times after I’ve finished. Or even like listening to a song that has been stuck in my head for a few hours.

It’s a way of closing the loop, mentally. It allows me to move on and not have this subconscious stress nagging at me for weeks after a significant interaction.

But yeah I’ll look into existential therapy. Thanks!

[powerhour]

> they literally don't even remember what you said six hours later

This is believable right up until they relate to you what someone else said or did last week or even last month. Then you know that they remember things and are willing to share what they remember with others.

[CRConrad]

And then you hear via some third party what they related you saying to them, and knowing that wasn't what you said at all you can now take what they relate about others saying with a pinch of salt. Or a dumptruck.

[zwkrt]

Might be a little bit paradoxical from your perspective but this is very self-centered behavior. If someone tells you ”no”, it’s probably not because they don’t like you. People say no when they don’t want something themselves, and it probably has nothing to do with you or your validation.

[OJFord]

I think you misread, GP doesn't have a problem with having their ideas rejected, just ignored.