[oblib]

I became a single parent when my daughter turned 1 year old. When she got old enough we'd go fishing, bicycling, swimming, and hiking a lot. We'd also go to a used book store twice a month (on pay day) so she could pick out a few books to read. She loved doing that.

She had no interest at all in learning how to code or gaming but she loved helping in the garden and in the kitchen prepping and cooking meals.

When she got to Jr. High she wanted to join the "Cheerleader" squad so there were a lot early morning rides to school I had to make, and lot's of Basketball games I attended until she graduated, but I had a lot fun cheering along with them.

During those years I setup a campsite on our property so her and her friends could go hang out there. I'm sure they had more fun than most parents would approve of but they never got into any real trouble, the police were never called, and no one got hurt bad enough for the parents to call me. For the most part all those parents knew exactly where their kids were and what they were doing. And that I was close enough to deal with anything that came up. But there were never any serious issues.

She's 37 years old now, still loves to hike, backpack, swim, fish, garden, and cook, and most important, she still likes to hang out with me!

[hpcjoe]

This should go on twitter as "Dudes posting their massive W's" :D

Mine is 22, about to start grad school for a Ph.D. in applied math (I'm Ph.D. in theoretical physics, but am a secret math nerd ... wife is also a math nerd and an M.S. Physics).

Early on we discovered how much she loved reading. So, we read to her, every night. For a while, I could quote whole sections of "The Sleep Book" (Dr. Seuss) from memory. As she grew older, she read. Voraciously. Throughout high school, she insisted she wanted to be an artist, which we completely supported. Said she hated math.

She liked some physical activity, though I could never convince her to work out with me or my wife at the gym.

Went through an IB program in high school. Told us at the end, after getting into a competitive art school, that she was happy she never had to take math, ever again. Fast forward a year, and she was aching to change majors.

She graduated with a double major (one being math), and a minor. Got into a bunch of grad schools for Ph.D.

Now, the girl who hated math at the end of high school, is about to move on to be a woman in a math Ph.D. program.

There's a point to this.

Your kid will find some things interesting, and others less so. Don't worry about that, and enjoy discovering what she likes with her. If you do the dad thing right, you will wind up with a kid who can adapt to new situations, and find joy in what they do.

My daughter still does (absolutely amazing) art on her own. Not just a dad saying this, she really is tremendously talented. And we encourage her to continue to pursue what she likes/loves.

[uranium]

"I'm Ph.D. in theoretical physics, but am a secret math nerd"

Uh...you know that secret got out some time before your doctorate, right? =^>.

[brnt]

Physics grad here. We used to say theoretical physicists were people just not good enough for actual math. "Regular" phycisists like myself simply admitted they are too lazy.

[Simon_O_Rourke]

Good for you, and good for her. What you guys have done is the most inspiring thing I've read today!

[andrepd]

As a 27 year old physics grad turned maths PhD with a physics MSc wife... I'm taking notes :)

[strobe999]

as a young father. your piece elegantly summarizes what im hoping to be to my child. i wish you two many years of curiosity!

[nickysielicki]

We have such a weird culture around how we treat teenagers in this country. We all remember drinking and smoking as teens, but parents tends to rule with an iron fist and convince themselves that they have more control than their parents did, which means we force healthy normal curious kids to go out to a secluded area (probably by car) to get high or drunk or explore in other ways, away from an adult that could help if something goes wrong, and at a much greater chance of involving the police and putting their future in jeopardy. I respect you for giving your daughter and her friends a safe place to just be normal teenagers. I’m not saying parents should buy their teens a bottle of vodka but everyone should start from a place of being realistic and reducing harm.

[HideousKojima]

>We all remember drinking and smoking as teens

Speak for yourself, worst thing I did in high school was play too many video games.

[oblib]

I have friends who spent a huge amount of money and time in "Arcades" playing pinball and then video games in the `70s-`80s. And others who spent even more on blow.

I never got into gaming or blow myself. I was much more intrigued with the tech of games than playing them, and it's been amazing to see it progress from Pong to what's out there now.

After all these years I wouldn't say hanging out with friends and drinking a few beers and puffing a few doobies is "worse" than gaming though. Not even a tiny bit worse.

I really can't even imagine a reason why anyone would think that unless we're talking about getting shitfaced drunk and/or stoned, but that's really not much different than someone who's been chugging Mountain Dew and gaming for 24 hours+, and I have seen gamers do that, a lot too, not just a few times.

At that point it's fair to say it's an addictive behavior that's unhealthy.

[steve_adams_86]

Hell yeah. My parents would have been very stern with me if they knew just how many hours I spent gaming.

I also taught myself programming into the wee hours of the night.

It was a wild time alright

[nickysielicki]

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/...

[Buge]

>By late adolescence, 78.2% of US adolescents had consumed alcohol

I guess I fall into that group, since I had a few sips, given to my by my parents.

> 47.1% had reached regular drinking levels defined by at least 12 drinks within a given year

So less than half.

> drug use by 42.5%

Also less than half. I wonder how many tried it just once.

> drug abuse by 16.4%

[svnt]

Like you imply I think being punitive may be viewed as healthy because the opposite stance (of encouraging or enabling, or even participating) is boundary-blurring. In this case the temporally removed hypocrisy is better than joining in, which is the other extreme.

Culturally we don’t have a lot of nuance in America yet.

[lern_too_spel]

Speak to your kids like adults, explaining why some choices lead to worse outcomes, and they will make choices like adults. Speak to kids like they're slaves, and they will make rebellious choices like slaves. Don't speak to your kids at all about decisions, and they will make poor decisions and wonder why their lives are so difficult.

[dgb23]

One thing I’m very grateful for is that I never had to worry about going home as a kid. Never. Later I realized how much of a privilege that was.

[OJFord]

I wonder how teenage alcohol abuse compares across countries, France in particular comes to mind since it's common to introduce wine relatively early (in moderation, and perhaps diluted, of course). I thought there was quite a young supervised with-meal drinking age too, but having searched for it perhaps that's changed (or I was wrong). If it's not some forbidden fruit maybe the run off with a bottle of vodka thing doesn't happen so much.

[linschn]

In France, diluting your wine will get you the guillotine ;-)

The legal drinking age is 16 for low alcohol content beverages (wine, beer, etc) ; 18 for all alcohols and tobacco.

At a family gathering or on a special occasion you may get a glass of wine starting around 14 or later I'd say, for most middle class families.

Binge drinking is not as much of a problem as in more northern countries, but binge alcohol consumption is a problem that is being felt at the University level.

[OJFord]

Ha, I only meant your children's. Did it not used to be 12y as long as with a meal (and adults) or something?

Otherwise that's pretty much the same as the UK, except the 16/18 distinction is drink/buy rather than low/high ABV. (That's my recollection anyway - I'm almost as far past needing to care for myself as I am away from caring for anyone else!)

[Aeolun]

At the time the legal drinking age in the Netherlands was 16, and I can remember sneaking in drinks a few years early (just not buying any myself). I honestly think it’s for the best to get aquainted with alcohol earlier in your life, so that you don’t go wild later in life when there is much less supervision.

[jjice]

First off, great on you.

Second, I love the idea of giving your child access to as many used books as they can handle and the library. Used books are often very cheap in my experience, and the value a child will get out of that book we bought for $3 is extremely worth it. The library is also a great (and better) option, especially if there's one in walking distance.

As someone who is comfortable middle class, I'll do my best to always get my child a used book if they're going to read it. With a quick search on Ebay, you can get each of the Lord of the Rings books for ~$4 each, and that's including shipping. You seriously can't beat books as entertainment for cost and childhood development wins. That said, if the library is across town - we'll take that route.

[memcg]

Nice. The library, used book stores and Blockbuster video were some of our favorites, especially when the weather was bad.

[marconey]

Thanks for sharing, hoping I can follow suit and raise an independent free-range daughter who likes me!

[andruby]

Thank you for posting this.