[billjings]

I did the same thing as you. I wasn't on Concerta for as long; I started on Ritalin in 3rd grade, and switched to Concerta my senior year of high school. I dropped all meds in college.

I actually tried TWICE to drop my meds. Each time my life fell apart, as you described.

The second time, however, I did not interpret my life falling apart the way you did: instead of interpreting it as validation of the medication's effectiveness, I interpreted it as a withdrawal period. So the second time I quit, I expected going into it that the process of adapting to life without medication would probably last at least 2-3 years.

I can't say what would've happened had I taken your path and not mine. But fifteen years in, I have no regrets. I still don't do what I'm told, but I'm productive and happy and useful. I've found my own way, and it's been a good way.

[sph]

I have said this many times already: the downside of medicating children is that they never have a chance of learning how dysfunctional ADHD is. Then they blame the medication because they find they can't function without it. No shit, that's why you were taking it.

I have been diagnosed in my 30s and when I stop medication, my life returns to the same exact shit it's been for 30 years. It feels like falling apart, because that's how it was for three decades for me.

That said, I'm happy you found a path without needing the medication. One of the positive aspects of ADHD medication is that you actually learn to function without them, because it gives you the mental energy and fortitude to build healthy habits that can help keeping you ticking along even without the boost of increased dopamine.

[billjings]

My personal view is that this worldview, the one that that views my inability to "function" in school, work, etc. as attributable to a clinical disorder treatable by medication, was incorrect.

ADHD is defined as a disorder of executive function: that is, an individual with ADHD is unable to do what they wish to do. This was an accurate description of me; to this day, finding and working toward my goals is something I'm constantly working on.

But if I look back on my childhood, I see that there was never a time when I had space to figure out how to understand and execute my own wishes in the world. Indeed, within my own family it was not recognized that I had a will of my own at all.

Medication helped cope with this state of affairs, but it never helped repair it. So e.g. if I found I didn’t much like being a student, I could take a stimulant and improve my ability to perform as a student. But taking that medication did nothing to help me solve that key equation: to do something I want to do, that other people also want me to do for them.

So my answer to the problem posed by an ADHD diagnosis is growth: I had to start as an autodidact, but as I’ve grown into my adulthood I’ve found friends, mentors, and peers along the way who help me find my way. The world is making it harder and harder to get, but it’s out there.

[spython]

Perhaps a personal question, but how did you become better at recognizing and executing your wishes?

[billjings]

That's kind of the work of life, isn't it? So it's a long story.

It probably started with reading _Delivered From Distraction_ years ago. I tried a bunch of stuff in that book. Nothing was a silver bullet (because there is no silver bullet), but I have to give credit to that book for inspiring me.

Nowadays if I'm writing, journalling, praying, and getting honest feedback from friends regularly I'm probably on the straight and narrow. But I try not to be too hard on myself: life isn't a contest, after all.

[eurasiantiger]

Sense of self, personal agency, serotonergic psychedelics.

[ryloric]

You ever get over the feeling of regret for not knowing and feeling like you've wasted potential and valuable time in your 20s? Diagnosed 2 years ago and I still catch myself regretting it atleast 5-6 times a week, it's like the thought never goes away.

[johnnymorgan]

Love this post, can't say exactly why but it resonates with me.

Cheers and kudos!