Sure, I can share - and needless to say, the vast majority of the problem is on my side. My wife is indeed a great woman - very emotionally focussed though, in quite an intense way, and highly intelligent in an intuitive way. She's honest and loyal though, and good looking. A real catch, in other words. The problem that I bring, is that I don't really have a core personality (at least, not one that anyone sees - I have my own inner thoughts but they can be rather dark, and need extensive filtering before being presented to the world at large). So I run "sub programs" to talk to other people on a level that is suitable to get along with them. I think everyone does this to an extent - I certainly do anyway, I always have.
So the problem comes, because my wife is an exceptional empath, with what seems to me like almost supernatural intuition. And she sees through my little constructs in a second, and demands they be pushed aside, in order to get to know the "real me" beneath. Trouble is there is no "real me", apart from the rather dark, turbulent thoughts that churn the waters of my inner life. Therein lies the problem, a perpetual game of hide and seek, and I find it rather wearing. (Largely my own problem though, as I said).
Apologies if the above sounds a bit weird, or off-putting or whatever. Anyway - you did ask! :-)
I'm 35, am in therapy, just got out of a breakup, and have two good friends with a dads who divorced their moms at around your age. Since you've been receptive to my other comments I'll share a bit about how your comment strikes me.
> I have my own inner thoughts but they can be rather dark, and need extensive filtering before being presented to the world at large
This really sounds like a good thing to reality check with a therapist! Non-judgmental listening is a core piece of the service they provide.
I've had similar feelings in the past. Having things you don't feel you can share will make you feel isolated. Saying these things out loud to someone in and of itself can be a load off. And I strongly suspect these things you're suppressing aren't as bad as you think.
It's telling that your response has nothing bad to say about your wife. The issues you raised are really, really not going to be solved by leaving her.
When I'm unhappy in a relationship being single feels like freedom. But a breakup is trauma. During mine I went through hell, my entire being was be screaming at me that I'd made the worst mistake of my life. The loneliness was profound. Self esteem plummeted. My ex-girlfriend went through hell too.
As it happens, my breakup needed to happen - I want a family, my ex-gf could not commit to having one with me. I'm on the other side now and feel good about the decision. But I still miss her all the time. And this was a relationship of only a few years.
Lastly, on my friends with dads who have divorced their mom in his 50's - this decision will permanently change your relationship with your children. One doesn't talk to his dad at all, the other tolerates but no longer respects his dad. Are those scenarios possible?
Good luck. Maybe it is that you have to leave your wife. But do your due diligence that this is the case. It's a button you can't unpress.
I think you're right - I will talk to someone before doing anything drastic.
I've taken more than enough of people's time today (thank you and others for your insights - they are really useful). I did want to clarify something about my thoughts though - it's not that they're always dark and horrible at all - but they are rather opaque to an outsider. As I mentioned, I grew up alone for large swathes of time, and I learned to have conversations with myself, as a form of companionship. Such conversations form my inner life - but its difficult to let someone else in on them. As an example, here's Bill Burr with a story about muffins, which I relate to so much - it still makes me cry with laughter even though I've watched it about 1000 times. :-)
Let her in anyway. She might not leave, but if she does, you'll know that you gave yourself a chance to be your true 'dark' self with her. Your dark self may be treatable, even.
I don't know that I want to treat it - it's the core of me after all, and I've only ever felt "broken" in a marriage situation. And it's not like my thoughts are always dark anyway, it varies. It's more like a conversation between two people, with 100% trust, and where nothing is off limits - but it all takes place in my head. So it's difficult to share, because it's self contained and dynamic. As I mentioned, I grew up entirely by myself for much of the time, and I suppose my internal conversations grew to become my primary source of entertainment. It's hard to just "fix" that, it's who I am.
Given thoughts that are socially unacceptable in conversation, consider working them out at one step removed, as the thoughts of some fictional character in an invented story. Perhaps in the form of a novel, or stage play or film script.
So the problem comes, because my wife is an exceptional empath, with what seems to me like almost supernatural intuition. And she sees through my little constructs in a second, and demands they be pushed aside, in order to get to know the "real me" beneath. Trouble is there is no "real me", apart from the rather dark, turbulent thoughts that churn the waters of my inner life. Therein lies the problem, a perpetual game of hide and seek, and I find it rather wearing. (Largely my own problem though, as I said).
Apologies if the above sounds a bit weird, or off-putting or whatever. Anyway - you did ask! :-)