[DevToRecruiter]

Thanks for the kind words. The resistance I'm up against is that I feel like I'm just using people to alleviate the loneliness. It feels manipulative and inauthentic. Like I'm putting on a show in order to attract companionship. Thats why i want to learn how to be alone without being lonely, it frees me up to connect authentically.

[BurningFrog]

Another way to think of it is that you're offering companionship to other people.

Your not the only lonely person around!

[SamoyedFurFluff]

I think the “it feels like” or similar is telling me have expectations of how social interaction should behave, how it should be motivated, etc. have you considered if your expectations actually match with reality, or if it’s reasonable to hold these expectations? A therapist might be able to help you navigate this.

(If I were to be honest, my plain question is “what is wrong with enjoying human company just because human company is enjoyable?”. It’s like saying it’s manipulative to eat to resolve hunger to me, as if every meal should be some Michelin star experience or starvation.)

[DevToRecruiter]

Thats a great point! I suppose I'm trying to avoid feeling like a pos for potentially feeling like I wasted my time if the social interaction didn't alleviate my loneliness. So i do have unhealthy expectations that need to be examined further. Thanks for point that out.

[SamoyedFurFluff]

You’re welcome and I would also suggest digging into where those feelings you mentioned to me came from and why you’re protecting yourself from them (by avoiding socializing/telling yourself reasons not to socialize). Good luck out there! I hope you find peace.

[DevToRecruiter]

I think as a child my mom often asked me if I had friends at school in this worried tone. I suppose I made a decision to hide parts of myself in order to have friends. And it worked for years, up until I got married and realized I've been lying to myself about who I am. I made a person that I thought other people would like. I'm finding that the real me is actually not only not appreciated but not tolerated, in my family and what was once my circle of friends. So, I find myself, first the first time in my life, trying to build relationships from an authentic place in my 30's.

[hyperpallium2]

I wonder if doing some activities that are authentic for you, and in a way that is authentic for you, would help meet similar people - as fellow-travellers, rather than focusing on "companionship" in itself. Could be favourable growing conditions for organic companionship. And some people like to be around people who are authentic and exercising self-determination.

[em-bee]

i pay attention how my kids are doing with their friends, but i am not showing them how worried i am. if they have trouble with their friends or they want more friends then we talk about it and look for activities that provide opportunities for new friendships.

[fshbbdssbbgdd]

The base desire for human connection is a completely legitimate and accepted reason to talk to someone. There’s nothing manipulative about that motivation. It’s probably the same reason the person is talking to you.

[wolverine876]

> The resistance I'm up against is that I feel like I'm just using people to alleviate the loneliness. It feels manipulative and inauthentic. Like I'm putting on a show in order to attract companionship. Thats why i want to learn how to be alone without being lonely, it frees me up to connect authentically.

I have a similar perspective: And what I've learned is that the core is compassion (and love): Compassion for yourself first, and compassion for others. Learn to be open with yourself about how you actually feel, not just the safe emotions but most of all the ones you hide from - compassion is for the sins, not the easy happy stuff. And have compassion for them and for yourself; it's a hard life, and loneliness can be the worst. Again, compassion isn't for the saints or perfect, it's for the serious faults we all carry, the humanity; I suspect the forgiveness of some religions is tied to that need. First be our own companions. How can we connect authentically, genuinely to others if we aren't authentic with ourselves?

Looking for others to relieve our loneliness, as you note, is just objectifying them (I don't mean to be absolute; you don't need to be an ascetic). Learn how to supply that love you need from the inside and not only will you be much less lonely, having your closest companion always with you, inseperable by the events of the outside world, but also that love and compassion will grow in you and be something you can share; it transforms how you feel about, perceive, and connect to others.

[KVFinn]

>The resistance I'm up against is that I feel like I'm just using people to alleviate the loneliness. It feels manipulative and inauthentic. Like I'm putting on a show in order to attract companionship. Thats why i want to learn how to be alone without being lonely, it frees me up to connect authentically.

I think I'm missing something here. Isn't this what friends are for? I call up (nonromantic) friends and be like, "I'm kind of lonely, wanna hang out?" That's not 'using people'. I don't feel used if a friend wants to hang in person or in Discord because they're feeling lonely.

[DevToRecruiter]

You're right. I think you just pointed out a deep belief I currently hold regarding connecting with other people. I don't have it right. When I used to have friends in my late 20's, I didn't need a reason to hang. I don't know why I feel like I do now.

[em-bee]

isn't that where hobbies come in? or volunteering for some cause? or something like that. whenever i joined a group it was always the hobby/cause/etc that was the reason for me to be there. not just the people. that also helps to deal with people in that group that you don't get along with. you are not there because of them. but it's the shared experience of achieving something together that helps build friendships.

[natpat]

Or - accept that you'll be "inauthentic" for a while as you get back on your feet. Attract companionship and let it help you get back on the path to self acceptance. It's not a bad thing to rely on people and let them help you, even if you have to hide parts of yourself.

[Smaug123]

Just another person here saying that this is indeed what friends are for, and isn't manipulative in whatever negative sense usually applies - in case enough people saying it will eventually convince the monkey brain.

Consider reading _The Elephant In The Brain_, by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson; its central thesis is that almost everything we do (including charity, art, lifting, laughing, hundreds of things) is ultimately about signalling things to other people, usually to make ourselves look good or desirable in some way. In that sense, everything we do is manipulative. Embrace it! There really are no "pure" motives.

[newacc9]

It feels inauthentic because at first you don't actually care about some random person, but if a series of events happened, you would actually care about such-and-such a person. How can we have a series of events happen in a normal, unforced way that would take us from one state to the other?

[adamhp]

You feel that way now, but humans are social creatures. Interacting with others will change how you feel.