I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again.
It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. Don't mention this."
And I have to do my best to afford her the same.
You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the back of your mind. :)
Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them, sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or afraid, with so much to say.
Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome.
Hear, hear. I've found the same. Love, like any sort of relationship, takes work and compromise, but when you do it with honesty and candidly, it grows far more easily.
“When a person realizes they have been deeply heard, their eyes moisten. I think in some real sense they are weeping for joy. It is as though they were saying, "Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me.”
I first encountered this idea from the Conscious Leadership Group (Gay Hendricks works with them), and now I can't help but notice that it seems to apply to HN comments (and the result of a given thread), as choices in the words and grammar of each statement.
But what you describe is rare like the OP points out. For two people to be so honest and open and direct with each other requires large amounts of maturity and mutual respect and selflessness. Which, to be honest, is rare enough in a single human these days, let alone two that manage to find themselves together. If you have that, I’m truly envious.
Right. The comment implies that this kind of emotional commitment used to be the norm, which is very much a [citation needed] kind of claim.
A bit of family lore had it that when some distant ancestors of mine no longer could live independently in old age, one child took in the husband to live with them, and another child, quite distant from the first one, the wife. My mother, upon learning of that arrangement, exclaimed how hard it must have been for that couple to be separated in their final years, only to hear "Quite the opposite! They couldn't stand each other for the longest time."
> Having such a marriage in this day and age is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.
> Having such a marriage is truly a luxury, reserved only for the deepest of lovers.
One contains a positive claim that something is worse now than it was before, which I think invites dispute and is entirely unnecessary anyway. It's a fine sentiment without the judgement.
This particular claim is just ludicrous, though. The idea that marriage is primarily about love and emotional companionship is an extremely modern idea. See Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage.
> I always find "this day and age" kind of sentiments extremely eye-rolly, like things were better in some mythic past.
I've encountered this sentiment, several times, lately. In my experience, any mention of a time before now, especially, when they find out that I am "chronologically-challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me about the 'good old days,' Grandpa!".
This day and age, seems to have established a culture of real, nasty, institutionalized, anger at previous generations. It is unlike what I experienced. Younger folks have railed against their seniors for all of human history, but now, it's personal.
I think I understand where a lot of the anger comes from. My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has exhibited almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness. I'm pretty pissed, and I'm one of them.
But that ain't me. I have lived a long-ish life, and have developed a lot of experience and PoV, as a result. I'm a kind, unselfish person, looking forward to the future, and making the world a better place, for my having lived in it. Not all that is old, is bad. Much is not directly applicable to today's world, but should not be discarded, wholesale. In many cases, only minor adjustments need to be done, in order to make a viewpoint, technique, or philosophy applicable to today's world.
The story is a heart-wrenching one. I have many peers, experiencing a lot of these types of things (One of the things that happens, as we age). Not all of them are handling it as well as the author.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all of us are destined to become "boomers." Every. Single. One. Of. Us. No exceptions. The alternative kind of sucks. One day, we will all be where I am. That is what makes ageism so crazy.
I have been around long enough to watch some folks hoist by their own petard (a classic saying, BTW). They established a corporate culture, that eventually excluded them.
> In my experience, any mention of a time before now, especially, when they find out that I am "chronologically-challenged," is met by a "Don't tell me about the 'good old days,' Grandpa!".
> My generation has caused a lot of damage, and has exhibited almost awe-inspiring levels of selfishness.
With respect, I think some self-reflection may be in order.
I don't really want to turn the comments section of this lovely article into rancor, but yeah, I'm really tired of hearing about the "good old days" from those who gave us the current day; from those who refuse to cede power to us who will actually be here when shxt hits the fan so we can start the long, heavy work of fixing the problems that were created to give you those "good old days"; we who are trying to make-do in a world where those who enjoyed those "good old days" are hoarding every last resource; so those who loved those "good old days" can then come in here and tell us our love isn't even good enough? Come on, man. Your "good old days" came at the cost we're paying now. Give us a break and let us at least try to enjoy what you've left us rather than rub our noses in how good you had it.
Gah.
I apologize for this dumb thing aimed at you. I know it's not your fault. But I think this is what you're coming up against when people tell you not to tell them about the good old days.
Life is complicated with many facets, a charitable interpretation is that they are comparing one facet from the past with the present and have found it lacking.
It’s entirely possible that some facets of the past were much better, e.g. today almost half of the US is obese, that certainly is a large change in 50 years…
To be fair, it is a bit of a privilege. Like most things, it requires a lot of work too, but people learn humility and kindness from each other. Those who grow up with loving parents are a lot more likely to become loving parents.
Bitter divorcees probably. Having a marriage like that is a luxury though. Let's be honest: marriage is not the same as it was 40-80 years ago, and that's because society is not the same it was. Long term commitment to your spouse seems to be an idea left to the past now.
OP's economic argument is pretty sound. 40-50 years ago you could buy a new house, get a solid blue collar job with a pension, and watch your house 5x in value over the next 50 years. Makes it very, very easy to settle down with someone and start a family.
In today's economy, even for the relatively well-off, home ownership is essentially a pipe-dream and it is much harder to put down roots of any kind.
The second the marriage becomes hard, it's a lot easier to break a lease than it is to break a mortgage.
I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, even the messy ones, honest about my thoughts, even if they don't paint me in a good light, my spouse hears me and eventually, accepts me. And it makes me fall in love all over again.
It frees up my consciousness. I don't have to do the mental dance of "oh, you can say this, but don't say that. Say it this way, not that way. Don't mention this."
And I have to do my best to afford her the same.
You have the choice of either a 10 minute, awkward conversation, putting everything in on the table. But having your conscious cleared. Zero parallel threads running in the back of your mind. :)
Or keep these thoughts in the back of your head for months/years, where you expend mental energy suppressing them, sacrificing your creativity, closeness, and vitality. You'll find yourself getting mad at seemingly superficial stuff when the honest truth is because you're seething or ashamed or afraid, with so much to say.
Your choice. Choose the courageous path. Surrender the outcome.
- Learning to Speak the Microscopic Truth
https://hendricks.com/newwp/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/Micro...
- Great story from Michael Brody, SAAS entrepreneur, ex-addict
(1. Practice Rigorous Authenticity, 2. Surrender the Outcome, 3. Do the Uncomfortable Work)
https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_brody_waite_great_leaders_...