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by Aella
1663 days ago
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Author here - you're right, it is very broad. You might wonder why "if it's so broad, why are you trying to write so strongly about an undefined thing?" And my answer is because there is a real thing with real effects out there. I used a lot of examples from my childhood because a lot lies in the details, but I've talked to a lot of other people who suffered a lot of damage from non-parental (and nonromantic) frame control relationships, and there seemed to be a really unique and consistent style of damage that was done, that I'd never seen talked about before. This post was my attempt to name the thing that causes that style of damage. It's hard for me to do, perhaps someone else has more skill than me and can be more precise - but I am trying to name a real thing, one I suspect a lot of people haven't ever run into before. I'm fully aware that there's lots of "bad advice" in the post, but I don't have the skill to convey the thing I'm attempting to without using some of that. Ultimately I think the tradeoff is worth it, though; I feel strongly about trying to name this very elusive thing. |
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> Convoluted, conflicted, generalized, and entitled.
I wrote a blog post called the subjective adjective[0], where I talked about how sometimes we take our own personal feelings/experiences and then stamp an objective reality onto them. E.g., if I feel conflicted, I may say that the article itself is conflicted, implying that everyone would feel conflicted when seeing the article—not necessarily true.
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Here I'll go presenting the way I see it, my (current) frame...
I wonder if it's more of a conflict between competing frames and one person (whom you name the frame controller) has a stronger and more stubborn grip on their frame and the other (the frame surrenderer?) has a weaker and looser grip on theirs. I say this imagining that in many situations, I would fall more in the camp of strongly and stubbornly believing things; whereas in some, I would surrender my frame to the frame of another rather quickly—e.g., cooking, painting, accounting, just to name a few.
I find that I surrender to what the other believes when I feel particularly insecure, doubtful, and uncertain of what I believe. Someone insults my intelligence? Most of the time, I stand strong. Someone insults my physical appearance? Most of the time, I acquiesce.
While you may prefer to label the people as frame controllers, I prefer to label the behavior as frame controlling, or maybe even frame conflict, with frame conquering and frame surrendering. Lol, I don't know actually.
Regardless, I feel really grateful you wrote this and helped me reflect on this more. I also imagine, if you had been in such situations with your dad where he were defining The Frame, it might feel difficult to define and defend the frame you're presenting here. So, thank you for putting it forth.
[0]: https://www.jimkleiber.com/the-subjective-adjective/