[Uberphallus]

> we need to feel certainty that we will not be distracted.

This, so, much. Working from home with a young kid around, it always feels like something's gonna fall, the cat is gonna fight back, mom is gonna get mad at him for some reason, or simply he needs me to go play with him. I never know if I have 5 minutes or 3 hours.

Nowadays I tend to not work so much during the day as I don't have the means to focus, then work into the night.

[bcrosby95]

Sounds like you guys haven't established any work boundaries. It can be impossible if both of you work. But if not....

I've worked at home for about 17 years now. I have a 6 year old, two 3 year olds, and my wife is a stay at home mom. I don't get interrupted, and there's never been an age range where I would regularly get interrupted. At the most frequent, maybe once per week. Definitely not even once per day though.

[munificent]

You may have established boundaries, but you almost certainly have your wife to thank for 99% of the enforcement of them.

[gilbetron]

Reminds me of a coworker that had a baby at the same time as me and my wife. He was shocked at how poorly ours was sleeping, as his slept all night. Then at the holiday party, we remarked to his wife how nice it must be. She laughed and laughed. Turns out she was getting up multiple times every night while he slept all night, oblivious.

[queuebert]

That was me, too. But I'm trying to make it up to her now.

There is no manual on how to be a parent. Don't tell our kids that we're making it up as we go.

[makeitdouble]

To pile a bit on the parent's take, I think it's just hell if none can set boundaries.

During the stay home period it meant for us that everyday we scheduled who does 100% work at what time, and who takes care of the rest in the meantime (might mean light work while looking after things)

That meant switching back and forth the roles about once or twice everyday, including when the other needs to cook or go to groceries.

In this respect, I think there is just no way to have both parents 100% working at home with a kid needing attention, and trying to reach that will only make everyone miserable.

[randlet]

> In this respect, I think there is just no way to have both parents 100% working at home with a kid needing attention

We were able to achieve this during covid with two kids doing distance learning as well. However, we were extremely fortunate that we were able to do shifts where my wife worked 7-3ish and I worked 3-midnight.

[codeduck]

Was about to say, it's very easy to establish boundaries if you have someone enforcing them for you

[randlet]

The boundary that the OP needs to enforce is actually with the caregiver more than the children (although even young children are capable of learning and respecting boundaries). The caregiver needs to buy into the fact that it's beneficial for the bread winner of the family to have uninterrupted work periods.

When I read your statement it feels like you're saying you think the OP is just throwing proclamations over the wall rather than sitting down and having a family discussion about how to ensure the day is arranged in everyone's best interest.

[the_af]

Both parents are caregivers in a marriage, there's no single caregiver.

What happens if both work during regular office hours (as in my marriage)?

If you have very young kids, it's impossible to have a distraction free work environment at home unless you find someone to take care of the kids and enforce the no distractions rule.

People often assume, somewhat unfairly, that this person should be the mother. But what if mommy also has a professional career and ambitions?

During the pandemic, people who found working from home enjoyable tend to

a- not have very young children of an age they need constant watching or get bored if left to play alone, or

b- someone in the couple is a stay at home parent (usually the mother) who watches the children.

[randlet]

"What happens if both work during regular office hours (as in my marriage)?"

OP specifically mentioned this is not the scenario we are discussing.

"If you have very young kids, it's impossible to have a distraction free work environment at home unless you find someone to take care of the kids and enforce the no distractions rule."

Again, neither OP or I are arguing against this.

"Both parents are caregivers in a marriage, there's no single caregiver."

Again, this feels like an uncharitable reading of my statement. Of course there are two caregivers but often there is one person in charge of the kids, hence my caregiver (singular) statement. Which partner it is, is irrelevant.

"People often assume, somewhat unfairly, that this person should be the mother."

How is this relevant to this post?

[codeduck]

I have found WFH to be enjoyable and rewarding, but this is despite both of us being in high stress careers and due to reasons somewhat unrelated to work (no commuting, more time around the family, etc).

We have both simply adapted and now do our concentration-related tasks when our child is asleep.

[hackerfromthefu]

Its seems unrealistic for a couple to both have busy careers and also children and expect to have it all without compromises or another caregiver.

But many people I met seem sold on the dream they can 'have it all' without thinking about the price

[codeduck]

The op made the rather disingenuous statement that people who could not be productive working from home were clearly just not doing it right, without considering that his anecdotal situation is the exception rather than the norm for many parents in this day and age.

[randlet]

He specifically said that it is likely impossible if both parents are working normal hours. So if there is one parent looking after the kids and the other parent is still being interrupted constantly then I don't think it's unreasonable to say that they could make some adjustments to improve the situation.

[randlet]

I'm not sure why, but this feels like an accusatory response and uncharitable take on their statement.

Establishing boundaries like "don't interrupt the person who's working" needs to be a discussion that happens between the whole family. Of course, the caregiver will be responsible for the physical enforcement but the caregiver should understand that it is in the long-term best interest of the whole family that the worker is able to have uninterrupted work time.

Also, by the age of 4 most kids are capable of understanding and learning to respect boundaries.

[7thaccount]

I didn't take it that way. They're just pointing out that it's impossible to set those boundaries with young children. The poster they're replying to has a full time stay-at-home spouse providing for the kids during the day so they don't have to be interrupted, yet they're implying it's something that anyone could easily do. A 4 year old might not be capable of leaving you alone for a solid hour as time seems to pass glacially slow to someone at that age. Telling them to leave you alone for an hour is like telling your wife to leave you alone for 48 hours.

[randlet]

> yet they're implying it's something that anyone could easily do

I don't think they're implying that. In fact they said "It can be impossible if both of you work" which you can extrapolate to "It can be impossible if you're the sole caregiver".

Of course if you are the only person home, you can't expect a 4 year old to let you work uninterrupted for long stretches of time. I don't see anyone trying to argue that point of view though (certainly I would never say that).

[jjeaff]

Ya, my 3 year old's absolute maximum wait time is however long it takes her to count to 20.

[quartesixte]

The problem isn’t that by the age of 4 most kids don’t understand boundaries (they totally can and do).

It’s that as a parent it’s hard not to just have some part of your brain constantly scanning for any sign of your 4 year old trying to get themselves hurt or break something (as 4 year olds naturally do).

In other words, the boundary crossing is done by the adult and is really hard to turn off if you have any interest in your kid staying safe, fed, and entertained throughout the day.

[randlet]

I don't really understand this POV. If you have a trusted partner looking after your child, then the situation should be (at worst) no different than if your child was away at school or daycare right?

[quartesixte]

Fair point, and I agree. Missed that part of your comment above.

[richardw]

I like seeing my child. We often open the study door because it’s not fair for her to almost be with us but have a separation. When we need to work then the other will make sure there is separation but I want her to know that she’s our top priority. I also may never work at home in future so embracing having her around.

I’m not good at this, I certainly don’t think I have the answer, that’s just the current thinking in our context.

[Uberphallus]

That sounds like you live in a relatively large suburban house instead of an apartment in an urban area :)

I know, I'm doing it wrong, but my position wasn't remote before the start of the pandemic.

[hutzlibu]

"Nowadays I tend to not work so much during the day as I don't have the means to focus, then work into the night. "

And be nevertheless woken up early in the morning by your toddlers ...