[pm90]

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

[vlod]

Have you tried not being a good listener? or cranking that knob down a bit.

Maybe you're coming across as a super interested in what people have to say, that you're artificially (can't think of a better word) keeping the conversation in their court.

Allowing the conversation to go silent and see what happens. If they don't want to reciprocate or don't appear to listen or seem interested, then maybe move on.

Note: I'm not dismissing and would largely agree to what you're saying (people just hear).

[randmeerkat]

Part of this is just understanding communication, and what healthy communication looks like. The other part is knowing yourself, what you’re looking for, and being honest with where you’re at.

When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise, it’s great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to learn more about them and to empathize with them. After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself. If they don’t do that, then you’ve met someone, you learned a new perspective, and maybe consider trying again with another person somewhere else. It’s hard to find meaningfully good friends, but when you do, it’s worth it. Life, like coding, is just trial and error.

[Zababa]

> After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself

From my experience, this isn't really true. It's easy to see people for a long time and often, and never really have them ask anything about yourselves. Which means people asking about me is a powerful filter, which has its advantages.

[ggeorgovassilis]

> After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself

They do not. After they are done talking, they notice "boy it's getting late, we should wrap this up". And next time they meet, they are full of new stories.

[e40]

I saw this in The Three-Body Problem:

> Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story.

That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.

[munificent]

> for my interactions in the last few months.

I read something on Twitter about the pandemic that really stuck with me:

Everyone needs more than anyone else has to give right now.

If that quote resonates with you all the time, then there may be a deeper problem at play. But right now, yeah, we're all feeling pretty tapped out.

[e40]

It very well could be just the people in my life.

Btw, it's only that I noticed it the last few months. I think it's been going on far longer and more indicative of my relationships. Sadly.

[toyg]

The part about stories is not necessarily true though. If your story really is engaging or entertaining, you're scoring social points, people will be happy they listened and might ask you for more.

The problem is that most people overestimate how interesting their experience is to others.

[e40]

I've definitely noticed an asymmetry, though. I engage and they don't. Yeah, I wasn't hugely interested in some of their stories, but I understand they are important to them, so I made the effort. Don't see the effort returned as often as I make it, that's all.

And it's not everyone, it's a subset of people.

[eddywebs]

How does one become a good listener ?

[stnmtn]

There are a couple of neat tips, like "echo-ing". This is when after someone says a sentence, you simply repeat back the last word(s) they said.

"I went to the beach last weekend, read a great book!" "You read a greak book?" "Yeah! It was by this author etc etc..."

It feels weird when you do it, but you never notice it when someone does it to you and it always feels nice because you know they were listening to you.

Also, the #1 thing is that you should be asking questions. Being a good listener is about asking questions 90% of the time, and those questions should be related to what the person is talking about.

For the previous example, if the conversation peters out, you can just ask something easy like "What is it about reading at the beach that you love so much?"

[Zababa]

For me it's a mix of curiosity, and trying to understand (or directly asking) what the person I'm talking to is getting at. For example, someone talks to you about something that happens at their job. Try to understand what they do in their job, their company, the people around them. Also try to understand their feeling. Are they looking angry? What made them angry? Why?

[randmeerkat]

Try a couple of books on active listening and see if you find one that you like. Then try applying what you’ve learned in real life.

For me it’s putting my phone upside down, so I’m not distracted by the notifications, focusing on what the person is saying, repeating it back when appropriate, and by actively trying to understand their perspective / emotion(s).