How to enjoy a career when I hate working with other people

[thegreycat]

I work as a quantitative researcher at a hedge fund in europe. Although I have never been truly satisfied with my career, the last year has been better for me as I've been allowed to work from home. The lockdown has really made me realise how much I hate the daily grind and I'm looking for a way out.

I've been asking myself why I hate my job so much and have come to the conclusion that it's not the work itself that I hate - it's the idea of working with other people. I'm an introvert. I hate group meetings. I hate having to verbalise what I'm working on. I hate getting into arguments with people about which is the best way of doing things. I hate working with lazy people. And I hate being accountable to someone else. That being said, I could work with one other person max. As soon as it goes over that I can't deal effectively with a group.

Is there any hope for someone like me or am I doomed to being miserable forever unless I become self-employed?

[mneil]

There is no such thing as a job that never involves other people. Self employment will solve, to an extent, the working "for other people" problem, but even then you would have to deal with whoever it is that is buying whatever you produce.

The problem isn't always other people. I'm an introvert, I shut down in groups, and I get anxiety in large gatherings.

I don't know what will help you. For me it was getting a degree in communications. I learned how to deal with other people, how to read their body language, how to give speeches and presentations, and how to communicate effectively through writing. It pulled me way out of my comfort zone.

Learn to communicate your issues more effectively and more people will listen (rather than argue). This makes your job easier. It helps motivate others around you. And it may even help you like other people a bit more.

[Dracophoenix]

>> I learned how to deal with other people, how to read their body language, how to give speeches and presentations, and how to communicate effectively through writing. It pulled me way out of my comfort zone.

Any academic texts in these domains that you would recommend?

[mneil]

Nothing that I can stand behind and say, "this is the one". But you can start with looking up communication theory and then drive into each of the theories that are out there.

This one looks like a good intro https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Communication-Theory-Be...

And I read a much earlier edition of a book called "Gendered Lives" that had a big impact. Gender communication goes into how men and women communicate differently, why that might be, and it helped me understand other people a lot better. It made me feel less like a weirdo to know that everyone else is kinda the same :). Or, at least, that you're not alone in being the way that you are.

[thiago_fm]

Self-employment won't fix your issue.

I am also an introvert and suffer the same problem. I dread meetings, 'hard discussions' or humans in general. I'd rather be doing a task or researching about a subject alone.

What might be helpful is to find a company that allows you to have very little of what you hate(group meetings, arguments...), but a lot of the things you enjoy(working from home).

I don't know how old, or in debt you are. But if you have comfortable financial conditions, find a company/work you would like to work for. Life is too short for us to waste it chasing a certain salary or certain successes. Just look around at HN, there is a lot of salary chasers here and how unhappy and dissatisfied they are. Life can be much more than that, but only you can fix it.

It has to be you that makes that decision, to support that lifestyle and that looks for it. If you don't take charge of your own life, somebody will. They will set goals you don't want, tell you to buy things you don't need and there it goes. It is a waste.

[username90]

> am I doomed to being miserable forever unless I become self-employed?

Yes. I'm like you, and even after getting a position where I had basically total freedom to work on fun experimental topics on my own with no deadlines I still couldn't be happy. Even after years I had strong depression attacks thinking about work. So I realized I'd never be happy in a corporate job, and then worked towards not needing to work for others.

I figured I could code games in more complicated genres. There really aren't that many such games out there since most people wanting to make games just focus on technically easy genres like platformers, shooters, horror, puzzle games, jrpg etc, so it isn't that hard to make money. And you don't need to talk to anyone to do it, the only communication you have is reading reviews and bug reports. It is hard to become a millionaire this way but making enough to get by isn't that hard.

Anyway there are probably other ways to make money without much social contact, but this is one way. It is way easier to make money just continuing working for Google and be depressed, but if I can't be happy doing it then there is no point.

[sebst]

From my experience, so-called "knowledge workers" tend to be more introverted than average. Even some stereotypes about different professions (like programmer or biologists) and industries (like finance, biotec or tec-startup) hold to some extend.

Being self-employed may on the one hand worsen your problem: Since you'd be billing your expert knowledge, your clients may challenge your ideas more than they would with an employee. So you find yourself arguing about the best solutions more as well as you might have to verbalise your progress. On the other hand, you might communicate with management rather than co-workers, so this communication might be more concise.

After all, introvert or extrovert, it boils down to culture. Is your employer allowing you to work from home even without a pandemic? Do your colleagues share your values, so that a discussion about progress and best practises comes more naturally? Are you forced into meeting structures you and maybe your colleagues may not find beneficial bur burdensome?

It might sound stereotypical, but maybe you as a quantitative researcher, should consider switching to an industry more focussed on STEM and less on "exploiting" the financial system. This is no moral judgement about the work of hedge funds, but these companies might attract more of extroverts than a typical (bio|physics|...) research company.

One last thing: I consider myself as an introvert, too. And still, I managed to give training and coaching sessions to tech teams. My personal experience and what I observed in other people: Your colleagues do matter. This "culture" thing won't turn an introvert to a party animal, but in the right setting, I was amazed how socialising even the the most uncommunicative introverts have become.

[orht112358]

Do you really hate working with other people or do you suffer from some form of anxiety when in group settings (e.g. social anxiety)? If it's the latter, maybe you could try some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) with a qualified therapist? Otherwise, there's already some good advice in this thread.

Best wishes.

[thegreycat]

This is something I have trouble figuring out. If it is social anxiety, I’ve had it my entire life. But I am generally ok dealing one on one with another person.

[MilnerRoute]

There is hope...

- Self-employment is a perfectly viable option. (Consulting on long-term projects, for example, can involve going off to do a lot of research on your own, just reporting back at the end.)

- You say you might be able to work with another person, so another option is founding a very small company. (Theoretically you could hold out for only the kind of person that you're comfortable working with.)

- There are remote positions which involve long stretches without interacting with your co-workers. (I'm talking days and days, even weeks and weeks.)

[runawaybottle]

You could use one inverse tactic. Make it cumbersome to deal with you, but not to the point of getting fired. Others will back off a bit and you should have more space to work independently.

[quijoteuniv]

I think slowly you can pull the string and unravel the trouble. Do not be to hard on yourself. You are probably super talented and is difficult explaining others why you are right. Good comunnication can ease the edges. I think with time you will get more confident and it will not bother you anymore. Anything to do with mindfulness can help you with this. Is fine to be upset, is just expensive;p Best of luck!

[codingdave]

Repeat 80% of what you just said to your boss, and try to work out a working arrangement where you can do the work, but also be happy with the environment. Worst case scenario is they don't work with you, and the job ends... which is not such a bad thing if it makes you miserable anyway.

But the best case scenario is that they do let you work independently and you end up happy. It is worth a conversation to find out.

[tkiolp4]

> Is there any hope for someone like me or am I doomed to being miserable forever unless I become self-employed?

You could also try to learn to live with misery. Life is not 100% happiness. I don’t have a nose and I look horrible; I have learnt to live as a horrible person*

*Not true. I have a nose, but you get the point.