[yboris]

1. It's easiest to talk well about things you are confident about. If you're not confident, broadcast that lack of confidence clearly and proceed talking (e.g. "I'm not confident about this, but I suspect ..."). Larry King in his book gave this advice: if you're bad at public speaking, when you come out on stage, just say "I'm bad at this, I'll try my best" (manage expectations) and now you won't be as stressed if you mess up.

2. I personally find it helpful not to look at people's faces when I'm in the middle of a verbal paragraph. This gives me fewer distractions as I focus on something that can be complex, and doesn't give anyone an 'in' to interrupt (harder to interrupt when the speaker hasn't noticed your finger in the air). Once you get more confidence, you can start looking at people again.

[mindcrime]

I'm not confident about this, but I suspect ..."

Totally agreed with this. I love that particular bit of phraseology. I use it all the time both in verbal and written forms. I can't be sure, but I suspect that it is a very useful phrase.

In my experience, it's a nice way to state something, but "soften" the statement a little so that it's less likely to invite challenge.

I also like the phrase "In my experience" for similar reasons. It's a way to state something, but it seems to evoke a challenge less often, because who can really challenge your lived experience?

For grins and giggles, I decided to search HN and see how often the "I suspect" phrase is used. Turns out it's quite a lot:

https://hn.algolia.com/?dateRange=all&page=0&prefix=false&qu...

[lcall]

Yes. I also find myself saying "Sometimes I wonder if...", or "it seems...", or phrasing things as questions that I know will either make the point (if no one has a response), or help me learn (if I was wrong), or it simply quietly tells me that the group doesn't know and if it is very important maybe I should do more to find out.

It seems that there are % confidence levels and keeping those in mind, rather than saying everything like you know it for sure, i.e., an aspect of honesty, makes everything easier in the long run.

Edit: and if I just can't agree with what someone is saying, I find it helps to say "that doesn't seem to agree with my personal experience", or "I'm just not seeing it, maybe there's another way you could explain it...?", or ask them friendly questions like walking along beside them in their space, considering what they really want and how they might get it. Or I aspire to be better at doing that. Much more at my site, including about difficult conversations or where the other person is extremely stressed or emotional and I am tired (so vulnerable to saying something I might regret).

Also, one huge thing for me has been that if I think I have a criticism (or other negativity) to offer, to be in the habit of waiting 72 hours before saying it, in which time I usually realize it wasn't important enough to hurt someone, or wasn't the most helpful way to convey something (with some possible exceptions if it is urgent and critical, but then humility can become even more important).

Genuine kindness & honesty really go far.

[lcall]

ps: re the above: I was told in comments about a simple college paper I had to write, that some statements like that were "weak" (from a good friend, and I think he helped my paper get a better grade when I made changes; but that was just a vanilla sort of undergrad class). But Benjamin Franklin said he intentionally avoided strong statements, even when he was sure he was right, to better continue conversation with good effect and with less acrimony (or said something like that, in his autobiography, avaible free online from gutenberg.org I think). And it really seems that he, with others, made a long-term helpful impact.

[yboris]

Note the different scenarios: an amicable conversation (a collaborative exploration of ideas) rather than a written academic piece where you need to make a claim (defend a thesis).

[lcall]

A good point. I was thinking both at different times; Mr. Franklin (IIRC--been a while) was referring to conversation among groups of friends.

[yboris]

Side-comment: I really hope more people become specific with their language. When you ask someone how long something took and they say "not too long" -- that's virtually no information. I try to be specific, like "about 6 hours" - since "long" is relative to a person's point of view (for some, 5 minutes is too long).

[lcall]

I have thought so too. Many times. Pls forgive or ignore my verbosity here, but I have been thinking about this.

I found that when I ask people to be specific, sometimes, they are noticeably distressed, or they don't want to talk more, as that is hard for them. I am starting (finally?) to learn that people are more different from each other than we realize. Like that internet meme about a dress where people clearly saw it in different colors from each other. Some just hate text UIs or a CLI, others couldn't be parted from them. Some are naturally good at music, or the arts, or balancing their finances, or being kind, or finding deals, building, putting others at ease, fixing broken things, or wearing matching clothes, or interior decorating, or some of us just have to work really hard to not be awkward in their company. And if I tell a color-blind person to just try harder, they might be hurt, and if someone in the room is unusually kind and wise, they might help me learn not to be a jerk. Like, I sometimes just don't care what color a chair is. But to some, it is actually distressing if it isn't right. Some even feel fear when seeing those who are different, because it is unfamiliar (edit: maybe they subconsciously don't know how to judge the safety of an unknown), etc.

We are all a work in progress in every area I guess, and we have to pick a limited few to get better at, at any given time; some things that come naturally to some people, others don't even know those things exist--it just doesn't hit the radar at all.

So... I am trying to learn to speak their other languages (didn't realize this in my youth), at least sometimes, though it is hard and tiring. And I hope they will be patient with me too.

(Maybe that is partly why God commands us to forgive others, in order to be forgiven. And surely we all need it.)

Edits: occasionally, if someone can't be specific or I can guess it is hard for them, I say like "Probably, it's more than 10 seconds [or 2 dollars, whatever fits], and less than 10 thousand [something very obviously excessive, but not too extreme.] I bet you can come closer than that." Then they actually make a guess that is as good as the situation will likely get, or it leads to more discussion.

It helps if I smile like to indicate that the wild guess is an obvious joke between us and that we are friends about it; then they are more willing to talk a little more and I might learn something.

[lcall]

pps: ok, I am into overkill now. But this makes me think of the language Esperanto. Learnable in 1/4 the time of Spanish which is among the easier languages for some. So internally consistent, rich, and seems to me the cheapest way for the world to be able to talk to each other. Not to replace native languages but as a universal 2nd, which some say makes the 3rd language easier than if it had been 2nd (less time overall).

(And many more things. which is why I have a web site because I can write and people don't have to hear it if they aren't interested.)

Edit: I have found that esperanto and spanish are both easier than Russian, and those are as far as I am going to try now for some time, I expect.