[brundolf]

I'm in my late 20s, and already starting to feel some anxiety around the nearing conclusion of what could be called my "youth". But my therapist, in his forties, has experienced (and relayed to me) the "life begins at 40" philosophy (I didn't actually realize it was something other people said until I saw this article).

It's not just wishful thinking for him: he felt that he didn't really figure out who he was, didn't really start self-actualizing en force before 40. Having known him a few years, it's clear to me that he genuinely has a very balanced and happy life, one with a family that he loves but also with his own goals and small pleasures, his own meaningful friendships, etc.

So I guess: I would tend to agree that the midlife crisis is a trap constructed by our western culture, and one that it's very possible to simply pass by. I think you just have to never stop working on yourself and asking (and listening to) what your needs are. Keep a balanced life of relationships, and pursuits, and self-care, and - yes - some accomplishments too. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't get complacent, but don't burn out either. Be in it for the long haul.

[africanboy]

> life begins at 40

Can confirm!

But not in the way people usually think, being younger is awesome while being 40 is not as much.

But I am completely self aware and don't think anymore that I am missing something like I did before.

It doesn't really has to do with 40 as a number, it has to do with the moment one starts accepting himself and lives life the way it was supposed to be lived.

Of course things change with age, but as someone that still is a night owl and still sleeps like a baby and can't easily wake up early in the morning, there is also the fact that you get treated like an adult with their own personality and accepted for that (or not accepted but you learned to not care that much and to move on)

Daily activities are boring compared to what I did not long ago, but they are also more fulfilling and I spend most of my time with people I've been knowing for a long time, that I trust and love and that I can count on.

So, if you ask me, middle life crisis was worse at 30 than at 40.

When I'll be 50 I'll know more, but until now everything has been better in terms of accepting those things that would depress me or make me angry 10 years ago.

[kkoncevicius]

That might also be related to the occupation of your therapist - being, well, a therapist. Seems like almost everyone would choose an older person as their therapist; and conversely, hardly anyone, at, say 40 years old, would go see a 20 year old therapist. So their career really start taking off at maybe 40 and it steadily climbs up.

[brundolf]

Maybe, though I don't think he's the type who sees his career as the first or second most important thing in his life

[UncleOxidant]

Maybe not, but it's how he derives his income. Having a stable income really helps with outlook. Conversely, being worried about where your income might be headed in the future is going to negatively effect your outlook.

[germinalphrase]

My wife is a therapist. All the therapists in her office are - always - busy, even if they’re 22.

People seek all kinds of qualities in a therapist. “Older and wiser” is not a ubiquitous appeal.

[kkoncevicius]

Nice coincidence - my wife is also a therapist. But to get there, in my country, you need a lot of work and training, you cannot really be a 22-year old therapists. First you have to finish psychology (ages from 18 to 22), then finish Master's degree in psychology (22 to 24) and then another 6 years (24-30) for psychodynamic psychotherapy training coupled with regular therapy for yourself under a more experience advisor. And finally after that you can start calling yourself a psychotherapist.

Here at 22 you can be a psychologist, which is a different thing. They have a lot of work - intelligence tests, emotional support, advice about social stress. But they don't do therapy.

[germinalphrase]

Your can become a therapist here (Minnesota in USA) with 4 years (undergraduate bachelors degree) plus 2 years Masters degree (for example, social work or marriage and family counseling).

There are - of course - higher levels of training and certification, but that gets you in front of people and diagnosing.

[UncleOxidant]

Maybe your therapist can say life begins at 40 because for a therapist their career starts kicking into high gear at that point and really just keeps going upward until retirement. For a software developer your career can start heading downhill even before 40 - age seems to have no advantage (with regard to career stability) for software developers like it does for therapists, doctors and lawyers.

[africanboy]

I am a software developer, my career had its best moments when I was in my 20s, but at 43 I am making more money with less effort and more enjoyment than all the past 20 years combined.

[x87678r]

You're lucky, my best moments were in my 20s, my best paid were 30s, and now its just downhill everywhere. :)

[wpietri]

It doesn't? There are all sorts of things I think I do better now.

[UncleOxidant]

Oh, definitely same here (mid 50s) - lots of things I know and do better now than I did in my 20s. But we're not valued the same by industry.

[yters]

Plato seems to have shared this view. He said one shouldn't engage in philosophy, life's most important pursuit, until one turns 40.

[kkoncevicius]

Interestingly same suggestion is found in Kabbalah: in order to study it you have to be above 40 years old, expert in Talmud, and expert in Jewish law.

[grammarisking]

40 years is also a significant age within Islam, whereby a person usually reaches their prime. Explicitly mentioned in this verse for example:

"We have commanded people to honour their parents. Their mothers bore them in hardship and delivered them in hardship. Their ˹period of˺ bearing and weaning is thirty months. In time, when the child reaches their prime at the age of forty, they pray, “My Lord! Inspire me to ˹always˺ be thankful for Your favours which You blessed me and my parents with, and to do good deeds that please You. And instil righteousness in my offspring. I truly repent to You, and I truly submit ˹to Your Will˺.”[1]

[1]https://quran.com/46/15

[selimthegrim]

Is that why my mom told me not to get married until 40?

[hinkley]

As my friend’s parents put it, on the subject of adventures: At 40 you have the means to do many things, and the health to still do them.

I think it does require keeping an inventory of dreams and assets, if-this-then-that style, but I don’t think that has the form of a midlife crisis. Those are less calculated in nature and manner.

[nonbirithm]

As someone who is not yet 30 and is naive to the mindset of a 40-year-old, I get the impression that some people have it figured out sooner than others. Or if not having "the" thing figured out, have something at all figured out. This is dangerous for me because my mindset is that if I'm not spending most of my time on something, I will not be able to believe I'm "taking it seriously." From past experience, the end results of not spending enough time on what I did say as much. It is hard for me to leave my tunnel vision and see other things. (I have evidence this can be partially explained by a mental health diagnosis, but it isn't an excuse.)

As typical, this is probably amplified by social media. Look at people's Twitter bios and look at how many describing words they use. Artist. Musician. Writer. Livestreamer. Some of these people got started when they were not even teenagers. As a result it's difficult not to feel as if you haven't found the words you'd be comfortable putting in your own bio. Why label yourself as such and such if you don't feel like you deserve it yet? (At least not to the extent that you see people's best selves being portrayed in their feeds.)

But of course, ignoring comparisons to others, if those people found themselves there at some point, there would probablybe no reason not to write those words describing themselves. I end up believing I can only "find myself there" by deliberate action, not casually following a passion until you happen to arrive where you want. Everybody says memorable accomplishments require hard work.

[brundolf]

I think you're being too hard on yourself, and if I may say, I think therapy could help you work some of this out (fwiw I believe nearly every person on the planet could benefit from at least a little therapy).

Here's one way to try reframing it for now: I see the point of life as maximizing happiness for myself and others. So if I'm setting rigorous expectations for myself that don't actually contribute to that purpose in any way, and in fact partly sabotage it by making me miserable, there's no logical reason to hold those expectations in the first place.

What do you or anyone else gain from "deserving" to put titles for yourself in your Twitter bio? Do those activities if they make you happy; if they don't, then don't waste energy on them. And certainly don't do them just to say that you did.

[SoSoRoCoCo]

> "life begins at 40"

As someone who is mid-50's, everything turned around at 40. Health, physique (was at the gym 4 days a week), job (quit a loathed job and found one I liked), relationship (got a well-needed divorce). I feel like I wasted my 20's being anxious and my 30's being married to someone I didn't love.

[emerged]

I’m about to turn 40 and have never felt less in crisis. Although I have never had any fear of my own mortality which could be what drives the crisis for many people. I also don’t tend to care much about what I’m “supposed” to do in life vs what I want to do.

[contingencies]

I'm approaching 40 and in some ways have never felt more in crisis. Partly this is because having assets means exposure to new forms of risk. Major business or life decisions require days of effort over periods of weeks because the complexity and stakes now cross scope and potentiality boundaries that are unsettling at best and downright scary if not tackled in a structured fashion. In short, while I now have better tools, resources, and experience there is nobody to delegate the most critical decision making to, the stakes are vastly increased and the results don't just affect me anymore, therefore any execution what Bezos calls a 'type 1 decision' (effectively irreversible) must now be extremely well considered. Things that help: supportive investors, good lawyers, good doctors, the maintenance of long term friendships completely outside of work and family circles, family, exercise, nature.

[brundolf]

Historically I've taken the things "I want to do" and turned them into things "I'm supposed to do", and in the process built up a lot of stress over them. But that's something I've been working on changing, mainly via therapy :)

[tayo42]

Curious if your hobbies include anything physical? Turned 30 recently and I feel like there's a good chance I won't do what I want in sports. Not so much about mortality but feeling your self not be as athletic as you have sucks and it only gets worse.

[souprock]

Physical troubles lead to being not athletic, which leads to mortality. For example: a bad knee joint prevents most exercise, leading to obesity and then onward to diabetes and heart failure.

Physical activity sometimes causes those physical troubles. Injury can turn an athlete into very much not an athlete.

[emerged]

I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been. Lots of cardio and a decent amount of lifting.

[vmception]

Look, if you suddenly get a new interest that is pretty flashy and you also have a cohesive family unit and kids, people will say you have a midlife crisis. If you don't, you are just cool guy successful enough to do your own thing.

That's it.