[dietrichepp]

> - the best advice-givers are aware of the effect that giving their advice would have on a typical recipient

I’ve started to think of advice as a moral dilemma. Someone asks a simple question and I start thinking, “oh god, what is gonna happen if I start mouthing off right now?”

Over the past few weeks I’ve had people tell me that thanks to my advice, they have either decided to continue trying to work on a problem (that they were going to give up on), or the reverse. I think this happens by accident when you are a subject matter expert in a field—no matter how narrow that field is, no matter how little of an expert you are, you know that 1) you can push someone new to the field in almost any direction you want, and 2) if you don’t push someone in a direction on purpose, you or someone else will just push them in a direction by accident.

That, and when you want advice you are rarely able to formulate the question correctly. Like if someone asks, “Can I do this?” the literal answer is, far too often, “Yes, but let’s have a discussion about whether you want to do that.”

[IggleSniggle]

This is what makes parenting so exhausting and so rewarding. Action/inaction, advice or advice withheld, you are constantly setting the environment that will shape your child’s entire life.

That said...I can remember phrases that my parents said in passing that for whatever reason stuck deep in me that I carry to this day, while doubtless advice they gave countless times I have no recollection of.

So, the stakes are extremely high, but the variance is also so high that it’s important not to let it paralyze you.

[nonbirithm]

> Action/inaction, advice or advice withheld, you are constantly setting the environment that will shape your child’s entire life.

I don't want to believe this is entirely true. I want to outgrow the coping mechanisms my upbringing forced me to learn in order to adapt, which are now actively harming me. If some things we impart on children truly are irreversible, then it's as if I'm trapped consciously aware of how my parents influenced my life and still there isn't enough I can do to move on. And I didn't choose my parents, so I could not consent to being raised in the ways they chose.

[IggleSniggle]

I believe we are all fundamentally malleable, and that you can “escape” your past. Certainly, maladaptions can often be reverted and reformed. Still, regardless of where you end up, your childhood environment affects your trajectory as a whole.

Optimistically, perhaps by overcoming the things that currently hold you back, you will later have greater insights and advantages from having to have had to rework that part of yourself.