[phobosanomaly]

I'm sure your kids are fine, I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with what you did. I just want to float this idea.

There is the possibility that they are less-prepared in terms of the coping skills that normally help us adults deal with others who are located somewhere on the 'bully' spectrum.

From the hostile police officer that pulls you over on a fishing expedition, to your first boss who is on an ego trip, to terrible in-laws, to the neighbor trying to get the HOA after you because your kids play too 'loudly.'

Bullying never goes away in life, and there is something to be said for kids learning coping skills early-on in situation where your parents can't necessarily swoop in and help you.

But, maybe they're better-prepared in other areas.

[DoreenMichele]

There is no shortage of assholes on the planet, that's for sure. But bullies tend to target the weak, the vulnerable, people who have been groomed to play the perfect victim.

I'm absolutely certain that my sons are bullied and otherwise mistreated less than they otherwise would be because their mother didn't expect them to learn to "cope" with being bullied. I removed them from the situation, thereby firmly setting the expectation that "This is not remotely acceptable behavior. Period."

Anyone who thinks bullying is a normal, routine part of life should consider the possibility that their childhood experiences groomed them to be good and cooperative victims. It is possible for a person to work on putting that behind them.

https://genevievefiles.blogspot.com/2019/09/putting-victimho...

[phobosanomaly]

It's definitely a normal, routine part of working in customer service in the real world. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

People bully you all the time because there's not much you can do about it and they know it.

The 'ol "I'm gonna get you fired, get me your manager, you're worthless, I'm a lawyer, I make more in a day than you do in a year," will be very familiar to anyone who's worked in retail, medicine, customer support, etc.

Just watched a lady pull that at the cable office the other day.

The employee just has to deal with it. Not much choice in the matter. Be polite, smile, apologize profusely, desperately wish they would just go away. The second you lose control of yourself, now it's your job on the line.

There will be times in your life where you don't hold all the cards, and the wrong person will take advantage of that. It's important to know exactly how those situations play out, and how to navigate them with a cool head under pressure. Especially when you're early in your career and mistakes can burn you down the road in terms of recommendations and stuff.

Dealing with a bully in 9th-grade gym class was where I learned to push-back without escalating. And after I learned to do that, well, I wasn't bullied anymore. It came in handy later-on down the road when I had to deal with similar situations in a customer-facing environment. I had a whole skillset associated with keeping a cool head under pressure, and that wound up being an extremely valuable skill to my employer.

It's something you can't learn from a book or a website, you just have to navigate these situations under pressure over, and over again until you figure out how best to handle them within the constraints of your own personality. Most kids do that at school in a low-stakes environment.

[yesenadam]

That's..great that you dealt with one bully successfully. Or someone who's in your life for half an hour. It does seem you have no idea how bad bullying often is. I'm sure my case wasn't particularly bad, but it was bad enough for your apparent promotion of exposure to bullying as a good, character-building thing to seem oblivious to the problems a lot of people have with it. Bullying isn't part of my success story, it made me miserable for years. And the people doing it were seemingly happy about that.

I had dozens of bullies for years in high school - that combined with mostly very bad teachers made the experience one I could've done without. I never told any adult about the bullying or tried to do anything about it. Maybe because my father bullied me at home also, and I guess that was life. Eventually in my 20s I somehow healed myself, thanks to a self-help, psychology and spiritual books of all kinds and a lot of..inner work.

[phobosanomaly]

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Where would you draw the line between complex social interaction (mild, sporadic bullying) that gives an opportunity to learn social patterns of behavior, and a wholly negative experience with no benefits?

I'm attempting to build a spectrum between:

A. Never letting a kid ride a bicycle because of the remote possibility they might fall and hurt themselves

B. Giving your 9 year-old a 600cc dirtbike with no helmet, and setting them loose in Manhattan.

The parent comment I was responding to, as well as your comment have established a similar spectrum between never letting your child experience interpersonal adversity, versus making your child's life a living hell.

There's a healthy middle-ground somewhere in there. That's what I'm arguing for. Give kids challenges they can overcome on their own, and it will make them more capable adults. Don't throw your kids into wolf-pits.