[lowiqengineer]

I had my first quarter life crisis at 18, when I came to grips with the fact that I had accomplished nothing in my life so far, as evidenced by my lack of good college admissions - I graduated only 2nd in my class with just a 1500 SAT, which isn't good enough for top schools.

Unlike OP, however, it was less of an aimless drift and more of an aggressive, angry depression. Had another one at 20, when I realized that not getting into a FB internship would probably set me back permanently from my goals.

Now I'm 24, work at Amazon and widely considered a disappointment to people in OP's social circles. The pain has waned a bit, but the crisis is just constant now, like the roar of an engine on a long airplane flight in coach. Eventually the discomfort of the resting your head on the window and the anger you feel at the people with lie-flat seats paid for by Google and Facebook overpowers the rest.

[dang]

You've created multiple accounts and posted hundreds of comments about this. I'm sympathetic to whatever pain is underlying that, but that doesn't make it ok to keep posting like this. Single-purpose accounts are not ok on HN, and such repetition is not in keeping with the site mandate.

Readers who encounter any single comment along these lines are naturally going to feel sympathetic, but that can't continue past a certain threshold of repetition. In that sense these conversations are illusory. Bringing it up again and again is not helping you, and it's damaging this site. Commenting so repetitively, even about a topic like personal pain which obviously matters, is functionally in the same category as spamming or trolling.

We banned your previous account that was doing this and asked you to stop. I'm going to ban this one as well and ask you to please not do this again.

I wish you well—I'm sure we all wish you well—in finding a way out of this into more satisfaction and self-kindness.

[sweetheart]

I mean this with only compassion and a deep sense of empathy - you should consider therapy if you aren’t already going. What you’re describing sounds like Hell, and my first thought is that life doesn’t need to be that way for anyone. You are a source of immense value to the world, and if you don’t agree, it just means you can’t see what others can yet.

[agumonkey]

second this somehow, don't grind long term like this, life is supposed to be acceptably cool, and even if it's a battle a times, it's better served with a goal that you find worth fighting for so no anger but just drive

[j4nt4b]

Please don't hate yourself. Do you think the lie-flat seats bring joy? Do you know the plane's destination? In this example, I'd rather be the guy who skipped the airport and went fishing. If anything, you have a head start on understanding this. The others may feel as you do when they're 30, 40, 50 or older, and feel tremendous heartache for wasted time. There is a ceiling everybody reaches in competition, and the billionaires want you to exhaust yourself finding it while working for them. Don't be afraid to question everything. You're young, and your 20s are more or less designed for brain development and tough lessons. But if you use this time to take a step back, your life could become heaven. I'm glad you reached out.

[tafox]

Thanks for this comment. Needed to read something like this today :)

[j4nt4b]

It is 64 degrees outside and cloudy. The young man energy is raw and overpowering! Air quality 24 with very little wind. Good day for a bike ride or a spell of right inaction.

[aebtebeten]

Even billionaires reach ceilings in competition, because the sorts of things they compete in are things money can't buy.

[rconti]

I didn't realize anyone (who cares about company 'status') considered Amazon to be lower-status than Facebook or Google. I mean, hell, it comes after F and before G in FAANG :)

At the very least, Amazon is probably considered to have better ethics than Facebook, if that helps.

[TechBro8615]

Some people consider employment itself to be low-status.

[tidepod12]

There are certain circles or communities where that's the case, unfortunately. I casually browse Blind sometimes and the overwhelming attitude there is that Amazon is the "lesser" FAANG and is where you work if you couldn't cut it at Google/FB/Netflix. There's a lot of negativity about things like "Amazon doesn't provide free lunch? why even work there? Google gives me free lunch and free dinner!"

There's also a huge emphasis in such circles on compensation, and Amazon supposedly has a somewhat lower total compensation for entry level engineers than Google et al. That's a huge deal to status chasers who only measure their self worth in money.

FWIW I do not recommend browsing Blind because it is full of toxic mindsets like that, nor do I agree at all with it... I'm just sharing some context that such communities do exist.

[lowiqengineer]

Same at the top schools. I've never heard of someone at a top school be proud of going to Amazon - it's only something they do if they have no other options in my experience.

[tidepod12]

In my comment I shared some context about how there are such mindsets in certain circles, but I want to make it clear that those circles are unequivocally wrong. You should ignore them, full stop. They don't deserve that space in your mind.

[mStreamTeam]

I picked up coding at the age of 22 as a hobby and now am a tech lead at a green energy company.

I don't make as much money as my hyper competetive peers. But I feel like the work I do matters a lot more. And I never felt this stress about under performing.

[agumonkey]

if you accept, send me your company name, I talk with a bunch of people interested in green energy and coding in general.

[mStreamTeam]

You can send me an email if you'd like to talk more: [e-mail]

[beauzero]

I had a boss that used to tell me..."in a hundred years who will care?" Do it for you and those you love, not the value they tell you you have, the value you logically know you provide them.

[seibelj]

You are 24 and work at amazon (I assume in engineering) and you think others consider you a disappointment? I honestly think you need therapy, you have some major self esteem issues. Part of being an adult is not caring what others think, you need to be happy for yourself.

[TheMblabla]

Looking at their comment history, and username, I think you're right.

[yitianjian]

I think it may be the "working at Amazon" part, considering its been under fire quite a lot in the last few years

[inglor_cz]

TBH being under fire is (being in the spotlight) squared.

If a corporation is not under fire, in all likelihood it is not saintly, but too mediocre to be interesting.

[simonkafan]

Average employee tenure at Google is a little over 3 years so it doesn't seem to be the ultimate goal in life.