[programmerisme]

Your parents' situation describes my marriage somewhat. I'm a software developer and (at least in my own evaluation) am an intellectually curious person. My wife is comparatively uneducated, not a good thinker and not very curious at all.

We had our first baby this year and I'm the one who does all the research and evaluation to ensure that we're taking care of our baby well and doing the things to help our child be setup for success later in life.

The problem is I work full time and she stays at home and is the primary caretaker. So I'm not there most of the time to give intellectual input.

As someone who seems to have grown up in similar circumstances, do you have any advice to make the best of this situation?

And just curious. Don't have to answer if this is too personal. How was the dynamic between your parents given the intellectual disparity? And what was your attitude and experience growing up with this disparity?

For myself, I love my wife dearly and she is a kind and loving person, but the intellectually disparity is a cause of disappointment at times. Of course, I don't express that directly. I just lower try to lower my expectations and find intellectual stimulation in other arenas.

[qznc]

Sounds like my situation. I cope in a similar way.

What i tell myself is that a happy mom is probably more significant than most scientific advice about average kids. I think twice or thrice if i really want to push for something. One example I would have pushed for is "no rewards for good grades but for effort" but she actually agreed immediately.

[ssivark]

> (at least in my own evaluation) am an intellectually curious person. My wife is comparatively uneducated, not a good thinker and not very curious at all.

I get what you mean, but I’ll add the following: I’m sure she loves the child as much as you do, and wants it to turn out well and happy. Books and formal knowledge are only a small part of human understanding; if your wife is kind and loving, chances are she understands certain things (esp human aspects) better than any book can teach. I’m sure your child will find a lot to learn from her too (and so could you) :-)

[programmerisme]

This is wisdom right here that I need to apply. Thank you.

[dorkwood]

I once read some advice that was something along the lines of "don't provide them with instruction, just provide them with the materials". I can remember being an extremely curious kid, but there were no materials in my house other than pencils and blank paper, and no books other than the dictionary. I'm still a curious adult, but I think the lack of access to any materials at home stunted my development.

[alienfilesystem]

Let your wife be your wife. You be you. Kids are naturally curious, especially boys. I have both. My daughter is bright and a straight A student, but she and her friends lack the adventuresome nature boys have. My boys are game for anything that involves spaceships, science, animals, fishing, etc. They wanted to know how fish worked, so I cut a catch open and showed them what a fish looked like inside: eyes, brain, intestines, etc. Kids need to see this stuff. They need to know where their food comes from. Trips to organic farms, fisheries, deer rendering if you hunt.

My wife has a doctorate. She's very intelligent, far more than I am, if I'm honest, but... she cares nothing for anything other than her field. Nothing. She won't entertain ideas other than her own. I love her to death, but she's very narrow minded.

My parents (deceased) were chalk and cheese. My mother was sweet and loving. Her skills ended there. My father was likely a genius on many levels. There was nothing he couldn't suss out. I was having issues compiling a program written in Basic one day in 1983. He was an Ada/C guy and in 10 seconds saw the issue and had me correct it. He was a math wizard--had to be--he designed flight systems that people's lives depended on. He was anal retentive to the nth degree and that rubbed off on me. He always said, "Son, if you're going to do anything, do it as if your life and others depend on it." He even had me PM my own bicycles and the lawn mower. My mother was distant in many respects and died an alcoholic. Maybe she felt like she never fit in. I don't know. Her parents, my grandparents, were very educated and well read. Odd.

Like you, I find it incredibly frustrating that I cannot get an Arduino or Raspberry Pi project launched and share it with my wife. Her eyes glaze over and she's actually said, "I'm not interested." My kids are too young to grok what I'm doing and don't have the patience yet to learn (yet). She likes those brain dead games and TV shows that offer zero in the way of intellectual worth. I love anything sci-fi, coding, fishing, woodworking, etc. Don't lower your expectations. I would try and find common ground with her in something you both enjoy and let that be your communal source of joy with your wife. You need you time and so does she. Parenting is no joke and she is performing an unpaid job that is high stress. Take the kid out, just you and the kid. Give her some downtime to recharge. Women love that stuff. Just what works for me.

[programmerisme]

There are things we enjoy together like hiking and traveling. I just wouldn't be able to talk politics or philosophy on a deep level with her for example.

Amen that parenting is no joke. She's a trooper with our kid and is way more patient and persevering that I am. I'm very thankful for her.

Thank you for your sharing and advice. I have this whole subthread bookmarked.

[thorstenn]

I would buy lots of childrens books and read aloud when possible. If you can make reading a natural activity your kid will benefit greatly later on.

[qwert12345887]

+1 to this, how can help cultivate curiosity for a willing adult participant

[telesilla]

Books about everything and instill a fierce love of them. Sci-fi, how-to, science, classic literature.. I grew up this way and my mum was proud of me even if she couldn't participate, it was enough.

[axiom92]

Sorry if I am jumping a line, but did you not figure out that you and your wife don't really have a lot of common interests while you were dating?