[kevsim]

It sounds to me like you need to have a real discussion with your manager - this is what they're there for. Maybe their perception isn't as bleak. Maybe this is a case of imposter syndrome. Or maybe you really do need some improvements and they can help you with a development plan.

Not having deep knowledge on particular subjects, not knowing OOP, being a generalist - these are not signs of being "terrible". Everyone has blind spots. Some people work on font rendering or audio codecs their whole careers and don't know how to build a decent web app to save their lives. That's ok.

[therm0]

Being a generalist doesn't get you a job though. I'm in a similar position to OP and, while I can figure out a problem given enough time and motivation, I can't adequately answer most interview questions and I fail most coding interviews. I don't know if I use ES5 or ES6 or whatever and I don't know the difference between Java 7 and Java 8 (8 has lambda expressions or something?) and I don't see why I need a wealth of experience in the latter in order to maintain a Java application. Before every interview I have to look up the difference between an interface and an abstract class because, while my brain knows when to use which, I can't explain it in concrete terms and I don't know the difference between the two across different languages. I can't explain DI and I have no fucking clue what a FactoryFactoryBean is because I've never had the need to write one so how am I supposed to have this experience? I don't have enough time to dig into the particulars of a language or its compiler/vm/interpreter or microservice design patterns and I'm sick of having to be passionate about programming outside of work in order to even stay employable. All of the jobs I've ever had have been through friend connections and that well's starting to dry up with the pandemic and all. I'm sorry for the frustration dump, but I've truly grown to fucking hate this field. I'd just quit and be a bartender or something if I didn't have tuition debt to repay.

[AnIdiotOnTheNet]

> Being a generalist doesn't get you a job though.

It probably doesn't get you an absurdly-high-paying FAANG job rewriting code someone else rewrote the year before, but I guarantee you any competent generalist in IT can get well-paying job without much trouble. There are a lot of places out there that can't afford to have a specialist in everything they do, but can afford the kind of person who is willing to tackle any problem put in front of them.

[therm0]

I don't know what to tell you man. I live in the South and I've interviewed at my fair share of IT cost centers. They tend to ask the same kinds of questions. The ones that don't end up paying $50k/yr for 60+ hour work weeks and treat their developers like dirt.

[kube-system]

Ever interviewed for a position in a profit center? Small and medium sized consulting companies can pay well and tend to value their developers.

[therm0]

They're a lot more competitive too.

[giantg2]

I second this.

[pow_pp_-1_v]

Hey, I think, what you need to do is go meta. Think about the way you think. If your brain know when to use an interface or an abstract class, then the next time when you make a decision like that, spare a few moments to think about why. You might not get an answer but you will get hints. If you do this enough times, you will understand why you decided to do what you did. Thus you will will what's the difference between an interface and an abstract class.

I hope what I said makes sense. Try not to feel frustrated. Frustration never helps.

[mikelyons]

I feel the same way and it causes me to think about suicide all the time.

[ficklepickle]

Oh man, that's heavy. I'm of the opinion that you have to enjoy what you do for work to have a decent quality of life.

If you don't enjoy it, find something else! If you hate it so much that it makes you suicidal, doubly so. I tried doing the "practical" money making thing, and it made me miserable. Programming is the thing I found later that brings me joy.

Find what brings you joy, and do it. Until you know what that is, explore. Hop on a bike and ride across the country. Move into the woods. Go volunteer in a developing country (some positions provide room and board, you just have to get there, but the pandemic does complicate things). Literally anything other than 1) what you are currently doing 2) suicide.

I have been there and I feel for you, truly. No matter how it feels, there are other options. Take care of yourself and hang in there. From someone that has been to the very bottom and made it back, it can get better.

[therm0]

How do you do all this with family obligations, reliance on health insurance, and little fallback cash in the bank? This is a good idea for someone struggling to figure out what they want to do in college but a lot of us millennials who can't hack it on the coast are still paying down debt and are anchored to our situations.

[dencodev]

The short answer is you can't. The ability to fuck off because I hate my job has always been important to me, so I've always lived frugally, didn't have kids, never had an expensive wedding, etc. I have some cash in the bank and recently quit my dev job because it was also making me very mentally unhealthy.

[therm0]

>recently quit my dev job because it was also making me very mentally unhealthy.

What do you do now?

[kevsim]

Hey, total stranger on the internet here - I have no qualifications to help someone with suicidal thoughts but I have been an engineering manager for a decade and I'm pretty decent at it. If you ever want to talk to someone about your career and don't feel comfortable opening up to your own manager about it, please reach out. Email is in my profile.

[mikelyons]

I couldn't figure your email out, but I messaged you on twitter

[kevsim]

Hi! I've somehow been tagged by Twitter spam filters and am currently locked out of my account. You can email me at: kevin at kitemaker dot co

[joelbluminator]

Think as in a passing thought of "fuck all of this why bother" , or Think think? The former I'd estimate 90% of people have from time to time. But if it's Think think you need to let some people close to you about this and look for some professional help, no point in suffering like this.

[jonah]

Sending you hugs

[belly_joe]

Seconded on the imposter syndrome point. I definitely have days in my life when my internal narrative sounds just like your post, but if I take a step back I'm much further along than at those low points.

Another issue is that it's entirely possible that your current role doesn't challenge you to learn or retain CS concepts nor deeper aspects of the practical tools you use. Many jobs can be done very well using the same shallow toolkit repeatedly. If that's the case, it's not really a question of your ability, but maybe you can start actively looking for projects to force yourself to start learning more.

[kyle_v]

I'm not sure I'd recommend highlighting your potential lack of competence to your manager.

[scubbo]

Depends on their situation and environment. If they have a good manager who recognizes that "helping someone to grow" is better for both sides of the interaction than "drop 'em and take a risk on hiring someone else", and/or if they're in a situation where the engineer can accept the risk that their manager isn't that, it's certainly the best bet.

Employees are an investment. An employee who can take the initiative to flag-up areas that they could benefit from training is valuable.

[kevsim]

Comments like these remind that while I miss the US personally, I don't at all miss it professionally. While things in my current country (Norway) err on the side of making it damned near impossible to fire someone, the upside is as a manager I can have very frank conversations with the people on my team about how they're performing. They don't live in any fear of this, they see it as a way to improve.