Oh man, that's heavy. I'm of the opinion that you have to enjoy what you do for work to have a decent quality of life.
If you don't enjoy it, find something else! If you hate it so much that it makes you suicidal, doubly so. I tried doing the "practical" money making thing, and it made me miserable. Programming is the thing I found later that brings me joy.
Find what brings you joy, and do it. Until you know what that is, explore. Hop on a bike and ride across the country. Move into the woods. Go volunteer in a developing country (some positions provide room and board, you just have to get there, but the pandemic does complicate things). Literally anything other than 1) what you are currently doing 2) suicide.
I have been there and I feel for you, truly. No matter how it feels, there are other options. Take care of yourself and hang in there. From someone that has been to the very bottom and made it back, it can get better.
How do you do all this with family obligations, reliance on health insurance, and little fallback cash in the bank? This is a good idea for someone struggling to figure out what they want to do in college but a lot of us millennials who can't hack it on the coast are still paying down debt and are anchored to our situations.
The short answer is you can't. The ability to fuck off because I hate my job has always been important to me, so I've always lived frugally, didn't have kids, never had an expensive wedding, etc. I have some cash in the bank and recently quit my dev job because it was also making me very mentally unhealthy.
Hey, total stranger on the internet here - I have no qualifications to help someone with suicidal thoughts but I have been an engineering manager for a decade and I'm pretty decent at it. If you ever want to talk to someone about your career and don't feel comfortable opening up to your own manager about it, please reach out. Email is in my profile.
Think as in a passing thought of "fuck all of this why bother" , or Think think? The former I'd estimate 90% of people have from time to time.
But if it's Think think you need to let some people close to you about this and look for some professional help, no point in suffering like this.
If you don't enjoy it, find something else! If you hate it so much that it makes you suicidal, doubly so. I tried doing the "practical" money making thing, and it made me miserable. Programming is the thing I found later that brings me joy.
Find what brings you joy, and do it. Until you know what that is, explore. Hop on a bike and ride across the country. Move into the woods. Go volunteer in a developing country (some positions provide room and board, you just have to get there, but the pandemic does complicate things). Literally anything other than 1) what you are currently doing 2) suicide.
I have been there and I feel for you, truly. No matter how it feels, there are other options. Take care of yourself and hang in there. From someone that has been to the very bottom and made it back, it can get better.