[master-litty]

It’s multilayered advice with a healthy component and a controversial component.

It is good to de-escalate and keep discussions alive, which is the heart of the idea. But timing is key and the human condition needs to be factored in; We do get hungry, we do get tired, and these things affect our processing and how we approach problems.

There’s a dangerous implication in the “never go to bed angry” idea — You’re controlling whether your partner gets to sleep. I suppose some relationships don’t mind that aspect if it is mutual — But if you are truly tired, that is miserable, and it will affect how you approach that problem in the moment.

Anecdotally: I’ve seen this advice stem from a fear where the problem won’t be discussed the next day. Rather, actively avoided. That’s a different problem that isn’t about short-term de-escalation, but instead commitment and long-term resolution.

[zubspace]

The thing is, that some people are not able to rest without resolving an issue. It's worse if one side is hyper-sensitive. If you're in such a situation, putting something aside is not an option.

And I also know from first-hand experience that not talking about things is very dangerous in the long run. Solving problems is a skill which needs to be learned and practiced.

But well, I agree that every relationship is different. Do something which works for you and act with common sense. And if you're both tired, go to bed and hug :)

[jschwartzi]

You also have to choose the right forums for problem-solving. Sometimes 1230 am is not the right time for an in-depth discussion of how it makes you feel when your partner buys food for himself when he’s on his way to see you. You can bring it up but you should allow your partner to table it if they can’t handle it.