Challenge HN: feedback on elevator pitches

[challengehn]

Use comment threads to help edit and refine elevator pitches. 

Post a your link to your project/start up and your pitch and then give others feedback. Is the pitch clear and easy to understand? Accurate based on looking at the site? Can you suggest better wording? Is it written with the correct audience in mind (e.g. general public vs. hackers)?

Please avoid unconstructive criticism and any feedback relating to the actual project or start up. This is specific to communicating pitches effectively.

[jtnt]

FitFeud is a web-based system that allows companies to easily set up, organize, and track the effectiveness of weight loss and fitness competitions amongst their employees. In short, it's "The Biggest Loser" for companies.

FitFeud works directly with senior HR, Benefits, and Wellness executives at medium and large companies, as well as partners in the health, fitness, and corporate wellness community.

FitFeud uses competition as the motivation to help people reach their fitness and weight loss goals, and is an easy to implement, low-cost service that offers measurable results for businesses and their employees.

Competition = Motivation. Motivation = Success.

http://www.fitfeud.com

[triviatise]

Hi jtnt, looks like we are the only ones on this thread :)

I like the idea and it feels exciting. A group of people I play hockey with recently did a weight loss challenge together which I think is a great idea.

I like the comparison to the biggest loser as that really helped me to visualize what it was. I think I would have liked to have that first. Im not an expert by any means, but it seems like you could distill the elevator pitch to:

Fit feud is the 'biggest loser' for companies. It is a web based system to encourage weight loss competition amongst their employees.

All the phrases like "easily setup", "easy to implement" "low-cost" are phrases that dilute the message. If you get past the first sentence, I would follow it with "the way it works is...",

The target market is extraneous. I think it is important for you to understand it, and be ready to answer questions about it, but isnt one of the top items.

[petervandijck]

3 verbs! Don't do the 3 verbs. Manage, organize and share. Setup, track and improve. Etcetera. My eyes glaze over.

Perhaps better:

FitFeud is Biggest Loser for companies (start short). Help your employees loose weight. It's easy to implement and low cost.

[challengehn]

FitFeud allows companies to set up, manage, and analyze on-line fitness and weight loss competitions for their employees. In short, it's "The Biggest Loser" for companies.

FitFeud uses competition as the motivation to help people reach their fitness and weight loss goals! It's an easy to implement, low-cost service that will improve employee health and fitness and, in turn, reduce company health care costs. 

Get motivated! Start COMPETING!

[triviatise]

www.triviatise.com

Like scvngr without having to go anywhere.

Triviatise increases retention of an advertiser's message by encouraging consumers to take quizzes about products in return for a chance to win prizes.

The triviatisement can be embedded in the advertisers website.

[challengehn]

Triviatise is a trivia based advertising platform. We increase brand engagement by using giveaway based incentives to drive consumers to learn about services and products.

[petervandijck]

edit: Triviatise is a trivia based advertising platform. Increase brand engagement through quizzes with prizes.

[petervandijck]

I'm sorry, like what?

Perhaps better:

Triviatise.com lets you create quizzes around your ads that you can embed in your website. Consumers will remember your brand and message better.

[triviatise]

haha I thought everyone had heard of scvngr. It is a location based service where you play games at the location, get badges levels etc.

How about triviatise is like trivial pursuit about products