[TheDong]

If I were to be a despot, I wouldn't feel better, I would feel worse.

To quote the article, "I wanted to repay their effort with a thorough explanation about why I was turning them down, and doing that was itself exhausting" -- the author feels as if they need to do these things, and at the same time doing so is draining. Simply replying with "no, I'm not taking this" and closing it very well might make the author feel even worse because it's not like that contributor meant anything ill, it's not like they don't deserve an explanation... it's simply an imbalance that there's an order of magnitude more contributors than maintainers.

If the problems were clearly abusive people that could be blocked, the solution would be easy. Unfortunately, the feeling of "people care about this project, and I owe them respect, even if it's draining on me" isn't something nearly so easily solved.

If you want to program in the style you speak of, you wouldn't even publish the code in the first place. If the point of the code is as a hedonistic selfish art-form, it never needs to leave your computer. You can be a tyrant over your own code. However, if you decide you wish others to see your code, use it, or learn from it... well, you clearly have a desire that others will use it, and now you're stuck between feeling as if you need to do X in pursuit of that, and burning out.

Frankly, I'd rather have shared my code, and learnt the hell that results, than to never have shared my code at all.

[highlysyntropic]

Disagree. This is too compromising. You'll suffer.

Doesn't make sense. You say you'd feel worse being a despot, but say you'd have "learnt the hell" that results by compromising. Worse than hell?

Boundaries are not just for people you want block. It's for everybody. It's not about them. It's about what you want. It's what's good for you.

You choose your own experience pal, but the way I see it is, if you're feeling these things the author describes...that's not good for you.

I'm not trying to convince you. You've got to choose your own way. To me it's a clear choice. What's good for you needs to trump what's good for others, otherwise you'll hurt yourself. So, boundaries.

I understand if it's the first time you've encountered the concept. Or seen it so boldly applied. But...I think it's warranted. The magnitude of suffering of these OSS guys is staggering. And to my view, they do it to themselves by not saying no. That's all.

I am grateful you help me explore it more...but I found that everything you raised I'd already thought of, or was already covered by the approach I propose to it. Good chance to reinforce the idea tho.

[austinjp]

Horses for courses. Some people will respond better in one environment, others won't. There's no One True Way.

[highlysyntropic]

Not really tho. In this case, there really is a One True Way, here! If you're doing more than you want to, and what you don't want to, for other people, you're not gonna enjoy it. Going beyond your boundaries, and violating your own comfort and principles, it's not gonna be good for you. Should be obvious.

If people are asking you to do things, and you don't want to, just do what you want. I know it's hard to resist sometimes. But that's sort of why the discipline is essential.

Of course, there's also..."push out of your comfort zone" and "stretch to your limit" and "live at your edge"... but that's a whole different thing. Those things should be taken in small doses, for you for excitement and enjoyment, like extreme training or skydiving or whatever, at totally consensual choice by yourself. But that's not what we're talking about.

Sure some people choose self-punishment. But that doesn't mean it's good for them. People choose a lot of stuff, for long times, that aren't necessarily good for them. They complain about it. When they could have just said no. Humans.

[austinjp]

The behaviour described is entirely selfish. There's plenty of evidence that the opposite, selfless behaviour, is highly beneficial and can actually be enjoyable.

If you never compromise for the sake of others you'll find yourself lonely and disliked.

There's no correct or incorrect here, no black and white. It's a big spectrum of grey. There is a balance, and it's hard to find.