[hestipod]

Even if it were legal where I am...and it's not because of more American nonsense...I cannot afford it. I cannot afford MORE expense and am already sinking as it is. And again at this point pain control is like splinting the sprained ankle on a drowning person...they are still going under. If my basic life were not so terrible the pain would need less management. Even healing it entirely now wouldn't solve my problems since I am so far down in every way I'd just die pain free. It would take a long time of stability and security to stabilize and even then I am never getting back the quality of life I earned and deserve. But it's all pointless anyway because I am not even getting the splinted sprained ankle.

I don't mean to sound rude toward you and I know you mean well. Thank you for that. I have just crossed that line from despair into rage because I know I COULD live...but that I will not because it's not profitable for anyone for me to do so. That would enrage anyone but people deny this can happen to them while ignoring the actual solutions for those it does happen to. I have fought, begged, and raged about it for ages now and I will still be gone and it won't even register. I have learned I simply do not matter. Most people are terrible and most people are who make the rules of the game.

[ip26]

I don't know where you live but I hear a gram is like $5 in WA. Seems like it's at least worth a shot, and with nothing left to lose, why not move to one of the 11 states that have legalized recreational use.

(I admit I don't know if that price is for indica or sativa)

I don't know your whole story, and I haven't suffered as you, but at least some states in the country are trying [1]. I hope you've explored the possibility of relocating within the country.

[1] https://coloradosun.com/2019/10/07/colorado-public-health-in...

[hestipod]

I cannot afford to live anywhere without help and even the poor quality help with mean and resentful family that I have where I am now is going away. I haven't just NOT tried to find alternatives. I've fought and failed for years. Things don't work, you are blamed, and people always betray you. I'm not wanting this end. I didn't choose this. I just will not survive homeless, or in constant stress, and am sick of being emotionally abused by shit people. My quality of life is already so poor I cannot suffer worse. I have reached my coping limit in all ways and there is no help. If I could afford to live on my own sustainably I'd leave this miserable country who's systems ruined my life. All a moot point anyway. There is no love, social support, family, anything. Who wants to live in a world where most people are so terrible anyway to allow this to happen to so many people as long as they get theirs. My cat is the only life I care about anymore and I cannot even ensure her future because I cannot ensure mine. I know how I sound. I am out of options and it enrages me. I know who I am and what I have done...it's everyone else who forgot.

[neuro_image2]

Some thoughts:

- Do you have no way to travel/move? Do you have any money saved/access to money? Perhaps move to a friendlier state (as someone else suggested) or back to Europe as you mentioned?

- If you're completely stuck for funds, can you use crowdsourcing or go_fund_me? - I'm sure many people would want to help if they heard your story.

- If you're being poorly treated by family etc. can you not seek refuge with organizations such as the the salvation army?

- I don't really know much about dealing with homelessness but a quick search suggested: https://endhomelessness.org/how-to-get-help-experiencing-hom...

- Also try to do all the basics: get enough sleep, take in good nutrition, if you're able to exercise (even basic exercise) do it, try to find an environment with less stress (as above), try meditating if you haven't already.

- Hang in there, at least try the suggestions above. Let us know how you get on.

[techdreamer]

You have to hang on for her sake hestipod. Are they threatening to throw you out? Would they give you money? Is there anyone who can help? You are really worrying me. Please hang on for your cat's sake. It's her best hope. Hang on.

[hestipod]

HN doesn't allow endless comment nesting to prevent arguing so this has reached a rate limit. This isn't me not hanging on anymore than telling someone drowning with weight around their neck and more added with time to just "float harder". I did my part...other people refused and more bad things keep happening blocking me from even doing more with less the once a decade even a slim chance comes along. People and systems have been fully capable of helping all along...the refused an continue to. I have always been here...always asking for help...always contactable in person, by phone, by email...I have always been clear about my needs from day one and nobody would help when they needs were much lower. People and systems in this country who can simply will not. It's everyone for themselves and all of those people thinking they deserve it and are the sole reason they succeed. Not a single system that I paid into and is meant to support people like me has done so. Not a single person who promised to stand by me like my former partner and family has done so. The ones who said "trust the doctors and dont worry we will always be here for you" when I was doubting more surgery. In all this time only one person has EVER offered a realistic potential plan for bespoke work that theoretically met all my needs, but my health declined more, the person I loved the most in this world ended their own life, and I could not get things in order enough to take that opportunity and it is now gone forever. My family who has seen what has happened to me have decided it has to be my fault since so much bad cannot happen to someone good. They blame me for their own failed 3rd and 4th marriages or any other miseries. They don't give a shit about me and I was only ever allowed to be here so they can lord it over the other family and have someone to punch down to and blame for their failings and that utility isn't even worth it for them anymore, because everything is about them and their egos and greed.

So what can I do? I can't squeeze blood from a stone. You can't plead with me to rescue myself from a riptide in a hurricane. You can't expect me to make desperate advice that never really works, or works one time out of 100,000,000 to somehow work THIS time. I don't have that power. I am sorry it worries you but even that's about your feelings...doesn't do anything practical for me but make me. I am sorry it upsets you but how someone else feeling bad about my betrayal and end isn't something I can do anything about. Should I pretend its all ok so nobody has to feel bad and die quietly Nobody REALLY cares...proof is in the pudding. People act in their own self interests nearly every time and my life doesn't further anyone's own self interests. I was a naive idiot to believe most others thought like I did...like the handful of rare souls I have met in life like my grandfather...altruistic and quietly helping. Doing the right thing and not blaming victims/ The distress anyone may feel momentarily reading this...like they do when they see any tragedy...will pass and they will go back to their Starbucks. 99% of people simply DO NOT CARE about others and the proof is there every minute of every day. They have far more important things to worry about like egos and profits. They will be far more angry about me in my last breaths criticizing them than they will be about my life collapsing entirely. I have seen it happen to people all my life...nothing changes.

When I needed a leg up to get back a sustainable life everyone who could help and every system ignored me and failed me. When it got worse and I could still manage partially but would need some help long term everyone who could help and every system ignored me and failed me. Now that it's in a state that will require long term support for me to even survive at all everyone who could and every system ignores me. I have done all I can...nobody does it alone but I am expected to as I hurtle toward the bottom. Gravity will win and I can't do a thing about it.

[techdreamer]

I'm going to try and reply (rate limit?). (And I won't keep harassing you with more posts). You are right it does affect my feelings to see someone hurting so much. Better that you criticize me - and live. You have had a long, tough run. I am also so sorry to hear about your loss.

Of course after enough trauma and hard knocks - and an impersonal system - you are worn out. I think that is why the poster above suggested basics like sleep and nutrition, if you can get them - not a global solution I know but it does help. (Small lever points).

Situations can change in really weird ways - that no one ever could have predicted - even when it has been tough for years, even when things seem really hopeless.

I'm not in the business of depressing you more, or taxing you emotionally. Your life does matter.