| HN Mirror

HN doesn't allow endless comment nesting to prevent arguing so this has reached a rate limit. This isn't me not hanging on anymore than telling someone drowning with weight around their neck and more added with time to just "float harder". I did my part...other people refused and more bad things keep happening blocking me from even doing more with less the once a decade even a slim chance comes along. People and systems have been fully capable of helping all along...the refused an continue to. I have always been here...always asking for help...always contactable in person, by phone, by email...I have always been clear about my needs from day one and nobody would help when they needs were much lower. People and systems in this country who can simply will not. It's everyone for themselves and all of those people thinking they deserve it and are the sole reason they succeed. Not a single system that I paid into and is meant to support people like me has done so. Not a single person who promised to stand by me like my former partner and family has done so. The ones who said "trust the doctors and dont worry we will always be here for you" when I was doubting more surgery. In all this time only one person has EVER offered a realistic potential plan for bespoke work that theoretically met all my needs, but my health declined more, the person I loved the most in this world ended their own life, and I could not get things in order enough to take that opportunity and it is now gone forever. My family who has seen what has happened to me have decided it has to be my fault since so much bad cannot happen to someone good. They blame me for their own failed 3rd and 4th marriages or any other miseries. They don't give a shit about me and I was only ever allowed to be here so they can lord it over the other family and have someone to punch down to and blame for their failings and that utility isn't even worth it for them anymore, because everything is about them and their egos and greed.

So what can I do? I can't squeeze blood from a stone. You can't plead with me to rescue myself from a riptide in a hurricane. You can't expect me to make desperate advice that never really works, or works one time out of 100,000,000 to somehow work THIS time. I don't have that power. I am sorry it worries you but even that's about your feelings...doesn't do anything practical for me but make me. I am sorry it upsets you but how someone else feeling bad about my betrayal and end isn't something I can do anything about. Should I pretend its all ok so nobody has to feel bad and die quietly Nobody REALLY cares...proof is in the pudding. People act in their own self interests nearly every time and my life doesn't further anyone's own self interests. I was a naive idiot to believe most others thought like I did...like the handful of rare souls I have met in life like my grandfather...altruistic and quietly helping. Doing the right thing and not blaming victims/ The distress anyone may feel momentarily reading this...like they do when they see any tragedy...will pass and they will go back to their Starbucks. 99% of people simply DO NOT CARE about others and the proof is there every minute of every day. They have far more important things to worry about like egos and profits. They will be far more angry about me in my last breaths criticizing them than they will be about my life collapsing entirely. I have seen it happen to people all my life...nothing changes.

When I needed a leg up to get back a sustainable life everyone who could help and every system ignored me and failed me. When it got worse and I could still manage partially but would need some help long term everyone who could help and every system ignored me and failed me. Now that it's in a state that will require long term support for me to even survive at all everyone who could and every system ignores me. I have done all I can...nobody does it alone but I am expected to as I hurtle toward the bottom. Gravity will win and I can't do a thing about it.