[hestipod]

Orthopedic surgeries on lower limbs that was never needed...made even worse by another round of surgery meant to "fix" the first wrong one. The second was done incorrectly as well and was something different than I even consented to. This all created a lot of problems, new damage, and pain. Then the rest of the dominoes fell. Every system meant to protect and assist failed to do so. The doctors lied and their lawyers were more powerful. The disability system was adversarial and cherry picked the doctors lies whilst ignoring evidence I provided. The appeal went to the same judge who was hostile and denied me the first time. There was never any help throughout this. Nothing but failures and blame. After all if someone loses so often it must be them right? Then when you get depressed they retcon THAT as the cause of everything. That's what my family decided as they turned their backs. That I should have known and was somehow at fault. I would never trust an American doctor again, and hate this country and it's hatred for social systems, but I am trapped here now.

[neuro_image2]

Physician here. Really sorry to hear about your situation.

I can't comment on what happened before but there may be ways out of your pain. Have you explored all options in terms of pain management.

Spinal cord stimulators? Baclofen pumps?

There are several options for treating 'neurogenic' pain including MR guided focused ultrasound (for which there is a clinical trial going on now at the University of Maryland). Where are you based?

[hestipod]

I have tried multiple radiothermal sympathectomies in Europe to some effect, ruled out spinal cord stimulators years ago after talking to docs in Europe I trusted and patients who were unsatisfied with them (plus the cost is insane). Every procedure done in this country has made me worse or just cost me for nothing. I have no insurance. Fall in all the gaps for things. Honestly a low stress lifestyle with control of environment and temps etc is the best pain management I have ever had. Last time I was able to move to Europe and have a small flat in a place amenable to me and away from the assholes here I felt a lot better and managed without strong meds...meds which cause other problems, cost too much, and are increasingly difficult to access.

But my living situation now is very unstable and hostile and stress worsens pain and hopelessness. You can't solve that with pills and procedures. On top of that it's not as simple as "solving pain". I have lost all forms of security, have no family or social reliability, have obviously severe depression and anxiety because of all of this, keep taking more hits in all regards, and you can't just plug one hole while there are 7 others in the boat and an 8th about to blow etc. I will never have a full and good life, but a survivable one is possible just not accessible. I don't want to disclose my location online since I have been very candid about my situation as all I need is someone calling the authorities and causing me more loss of agency and massive medical debt. They won't help with what I really need but will 100% "help" by locking me up and feeling good about themselves.

I don't want more surgery or devices or procedures. I don't need more doctors. I have (actual not dramatized) PTSD about doctors and hospitals now. I don't trust them with the exception of two in Europe who actually helped me. Here the have never helped and have literally ruined my life. I need my basic needs secured and a peaceful and stable environment away from hostile people, in a place where I am not one emergency or major problem away from complete and permanent debt losing the tiny bit I have left.

[djohnston]

I'm in no way bullshitting here, have you tried medical marijuana? I have spinal stenosis, and have resisted any non-conservative treatment because Western medicine is curiously bad at addressing this malady. Weed has helped tremendously, particularly with sleep where I had trouble finding comfortable positions.

[hestipod]

Even if it were legal where I am...and it's not because of more American nonsense...I cannot afford it. I cannot afford MORE expense and am already sinking as it is. And again at this point pain control is like splinting the sprained ankle on a drowning person...they are still going under. If my basic life were not so terrible the pain would need less management. Even healing it entirely now wouldn't solve my problems since I am so far down in every way I'd just die pain free. It would take a long time of stability and security to stabilize and even then I am never getting back the quality of life I earned and deserve. But it's all pointless anyway because I am not even getting the splinted sprained ankle.

I don't mean to sound rude toward you and I know you mean well. Thank you for that. I have just crossed that line from despair into rage because I know I COULD live...but that I will not because it's not profitable for anyone for me to do so. That would enrage anyone but people deny this can happen to them while ignoring the actual solutions for those it does happen to. I have fought, begged, and raged about it for ages now and I will still be gone and it won't even register. I have learned I simply do not matter. Most people are terrible and most people are who make the rules of the game.

[ip26]

I don't know where you live but I hear a gram is like $5 in WA. Seems like it's at least worth a shot, and with nothing left to lose, why not move to one of the 11 states that have legalized recreational use.

(I admit I don't know if that price is for indica or sativa)

I don't know your whole story, and I haven't suffered as you, but at least some states in the country are trying [1]. I hope you've explored the possibility of relocating within the country.

[1] https://coloradosun.com/2019/10/07/colorado-public-health-in...

[hestipod]

I cannot afford to live anywhere without help and even the poor quality help with mean and resentful family that I have where I am now is going away. I haven't just NOT tried to find alternatives. I've fought and failed for years. Things don't work, you are blamed, and people always betray you. I'm not wanting this end. I didn't choose this. I just will not survive homeless, or in constant stress, and am sick of being emotionally abused by shit people. My quality of life is already so poor I cannot suffer worse. I have reached my coping limit in all ways and there is no help. If I could afford to live on my own sustainably I'd leave this miserable country who's systems ruined my life. All a moot point anyway. There is no love, social support, family, anything. Who wants to live in a world where most people are so terrible anyway to allow this to happen to so many people as long as they get theirs. My cat is the only life I care about anymore and I cannot even ensure her future because I cannot ensure mine. I know how I sound. I am out of options and it enrages me. I know who I am and what I have done...it's everyone else who forgot.