[AnIdiotOnTheNet]

> There is no short conversation you can have that'll turn a stranger into the kind of friend they're seeking.

I'm actually not sure this is true. And I say that because I'm actually not sure this is true:

> It. Takes. Time.

And I say that because of things like [0], which seems to say that connection is more about vulnerability and depth of understanding than anything else, and achieving that depth can be accelerated.

[0] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/014616729723400...

[monkeynotes]

Real world relationships, those that are truly meaningful, take a lot of investment from both sides.

Outside of the lab being vulnerable carries significant risk. For one, you risk being taken advantage of. This happens all the time, people are manipulated for sex, financial gain, and sometimes just for social status gains (clique shunning etc.).

It's pretty common for vulnerable bonding to be misused by one or both parties. This can be in the form of using inside knowledge for blackmail or negative gossip/social shaming of some form.

People can be horrible. Finding good friends takes time because you have to learn to trust each other. Fast friends in my experience do not last.

[Retric]

I am not sure where you can draw a clear line on what is a meaningful relationship.

Some people decide to get married after knowing each other for a few weeks. Some of those marriages even end up healthy and lasting long term. If anything I think it’s maintaining a real relationship that takes time not forming it.

[monkeynotes]

> Some people decide to get married after knowing each other for a few weeks.

This is a high risk scenario. Being vulnerable early demonstrably can accelerate a relationship, but as I mentioned this is a high risk approach that most people would not recommend as the norm.

[throwaway35784]

It's a definitional problem. Building lasting relationships takes time because it's only after a long time that it will be considered "lasting."

The question is: how quickly and how can you tell if a relationship will be lasting?

What are the signs?

What if its just a numbers game? Meet enough people. Some of them will last.

That said I'm "too trusting." I get burned all the time. Taken advantage of. I have a scarcity of natural love in my life and thus an abundance to give. Makes me a target for the narcissists.

Those who do love me think I'm brave for loving so freely -- everyone. Even those who hurt me. They know it's driven by a deeply personal isolation within my soul that waters my eyes in this moment. But they can never empathize and am happy for that.

[walterstucco666]

> Some of those marriages even end up healthy and lasting long term.

Survival bias.

Most of those "relationships" don't even get past the first date.

[pavel_lishin]

I will say that it's probably possible to min-max or speedrun a relationship, but I don't think it's easy, and I don't think we're at the stage where a phone app can do it for you.

I also don't think it would feel very fun, and is probably not good for you.

[AnIdiotOnTheNet]

As though the normal means of forming relationships is fun or good for you? How many people commit suicide over failed relationships? How many people are committed to bad relationships due to sunk cost fallacy?

Forming relationships is a pain in the ass no matter how you slice it.

[pavel_lishin]

> As though the normal means of forming relationships is fun or good for you?

I'm sorry if you've had a bad experience, but for the most part, I've enjoyed making friends.

[throwaway35784]

Find things in common so you can stay busy together without talking constantly. It gives your mind time to consider what and how to say things without being too vulnerable too fast. Ponder what was said. Go slower. Silence is OK.

Friend dates. My gf and I have started double dating those we like. You can listen while the other two talk. Being quiet with someone can be very comfortable or unnerving.

[scarejunba]

I have friends I've made through the conscious repetition of time spent together. But I've also made friends another way: we went to a festival together one weekend on Molly and LSD. Afterwards, I ended up hanging out with them practically every week and I really value that friendship too.

So there's clearly multiple paths.