[eq_sd_]

Going to weekly therapy is the only way I really track anything. I've been struggling a lot since my ex and I broke up last year. Earlier this year, I started thinking about how my dad treated me growing up and how it was (is) a type of emotional abuse. He's probably narcissistic. I'm sure it's a big factor in why I dated someone like my ex and why I've put up with so much shit in my relationships, friends, work.

And now at work, I'm being treated poorly by a particular person and he's generally offensive to everyone. He's kind of like my dad in a lot of ways and it's "triggering" me. Managers and HR don't seem to care much. I'm also concerned about retaliation because this guy came here with a handful of other people, a couple of which are extremely high level that can hold me back and give problem guy preferential treatment.

I'm one of few female engineers here and I feel like people with power are looking at me as whiny, it doesn't feel good. I already have too many short stints on my resume so I feel like I can't leave and I suck at tech interviews too...partly because "showing my thought process" is terrifying when I've grown up with all my thoughts and feelings being used as a weapon against me.

I have almost no friends in the city I moved to, I miss my mom and my brother a lot. I could try harder to make some new friends here but work is exhausting and I just don't feel good and I'd rather stay home and cuddle my dog. She is pretty much the only thing that gives me energy. :/

[MyHypatia]

I just want to say thank you for sharing. I'm also one of few female engineers at my company. It's hard to find friends as an adult and it can feel even lonelier when I see people at work getting together to play sports or generally have "guy hang out time". When I have brought up complaints at work I also feel like people don't take them seriously. The response has basically been, "Can you just wait for him to retire?" and "You should be grateful". It's hard. One thing that has been helpful is finding some sort of community. Treat it as a non-negotiable part of your life. There are lots of people out there looking for connections and friendships, it can take time before you find the right group. Everyday you wake up and do things for your employer. Everyday you should also wake up and do things for yourself. Like having lunch with someone or playing a boardgame with a group. In the moment "playing a boardgame" may sounds silly and trivial compared to important "work" and "career", so instead I call it, "maintaining my health". Don't neglect your mental health. It's important. Also, dogs are almost always better than people.

[ambivalents]

I identify a lot with what you're saying. I'm one of just a couple females on a big engineering/product team and it often doesn't feel good.

If you're in the Bay Area would be happy to meet up for a coffee. I understand the desire to just want to stay home a lot too, so no pressure. Email in profile.

[RedBeetDeadpool]

Sounds like you could use a bit of help. I've had a lot of similar issues as those you mentioned. My advice is: read a lot of books on how to deal with narcissism, and psychopathy. `in sheeps clothing` is one I liked. `beating the work place bully` is another. There might be tons of better sources, but those are the ones I read. Part of the issue is some people will take everything from you if left unchecked, and you can do very little to make them realize they're harming you (think Trump). And even if they realize it, it only stops them that one time. So aggress-ing these people is something that needs to be done often. You have to judge-judy their ass at least a few times every time you have a conversation with them.

Also read about wait vs interrupt culture [https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/LuXb6CZG4x7pDRBP8/wait-vs-in...]. Generally women are spoken over by men at work. And of the men its the loudest and largest egos that get their voices heard regardless of quality or veracity of words. Most statements are just opinions, and because the dunning-kruger effect grants these people with confidence, they will just speak whatever opinion they have as facts.

You should also really try and meet people you can connect with outside of work, I find having people around helps as a mental shield to all the toxic people in your life. Because work can be competitive, people have tendencies to play the asshole card there far more often than in other aspects of life. It helps with sanity to have a better balance of people. Try meetups/clubs (for coders? for girl coders?, I'm in a book club and I like it), or classes (yoga? dance? martial arts?), or try volunteering (a place where you might find more people with empathy). Or do all of those combined.