[theanine]

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear.

My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm getting up from my desk or why I'm eating what I brought for lunch. He interrupts everything I say and puts me down in front of other people. He took away benefits he knew I enjoyed, like being able to take college courses for free in unrelated areas like music and ceramics, and he banned me alone from making conversation with my work friends, and moved my desk away from them to his office so he can watch everything I do. I'm underpaid ($40k/year) and therapy sessions are $150 each, so I don't have much saved up to just quit and search for new jobs full-time. He threatens to fire me almost every day. I'm not sure how I'll ever get out, this started about a year ago and I've been applying every day since but haven't found anything. It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing.

Sorry if that's oversharing, but working here is draining my soul.

edit: thanks for all the support everyone, it means a lot :)

[ishi]

You are working in a TOXIC environment and obviously it's taking its toll. You have to get out, or at least transfer to another team. You wrote that you went to HR and they didn't help with your boss, but perhaps they CAN help moving you to another team. And you wrote that you're applying for other jobs - it can take time, just don't give up!

> It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing It won't be the same thing, because your current boss won't be there! Sounds like he's abusing you, and most likely your next boss won't behave the same.

[twoquestions]

> It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing

Most people also are too lazy for this level of sadism. Even if your next boss is a bigger asshole (which sounds completely unbelievable), it'd be more profitable for them to let you work rather than waste all that energy abusing you.

[smhenderson]

Forgive if I missed something but where did the parent mention HR? I ask because I agree with your assesment about the environment they are in and my first thought was to ask "have you talked to anyone in HR?".

Otherwise totally agree, especially the part about not giving up!

[ishi]

My goodness! I'm positive the poster wrote something about talking to HR and they said others complained too but nothing ever changes. Did he edit his post, or am I hallucinating?

[smhenderson]

Not sure, that's why I asked. :-)

Maybe confused it with another post? I do that a lot around here... And there seems to be a lot of people today in similar situations.

Regardless, as others have mentioned, the environment they are dealing with is wrong and if HR isn't the solution perhaps legal action that others mentioned would be the way to go.

To the parent poster, I hope things get better soon for you. Stay strong and do your best to get out of there as soon as possible!

[noonespecial]

A little perspective. $40k/year is about what glassdoor suggests you should make as the manager of a 7-11. A little one.

Don't be afraid of a temporary career change. I've done it twice to save myself from burnout. We get overly attached to a narrative about ourselves as developers and become convinced that we need an unbroken ladder of the latest gee-wiz frameworks and libraries to stay in the game. Outside of FAANG its mostly not true.

But first, start telling that bully no in the most non-confrontational way you can. Take the most unreasonable demand and politely say in response "no I don't think I'm going to do that". You actually have nothing to lose.

[tracer4201]

I work in FAANG in a senior/tech lead engineering role. I don’t think unbroken ladder of latest gee-whiz frameworks and libraries is even remotely accurate of what developers in these companies care about or need.

If anything, wanting to adopt the latest and “greatest” is usually a sign of an inexperienced engineer.

If you’re at FAANG, especially at a team that is optimizing for throughput or scale, you’ll care more about design trade offs and performance, availability, and resiliency concerns as opposed to the latest framework. If anything, something tried and true that’s been out a long while and vetted out is a lesser risk than something released in the past year or two. In other words, maturity is an important factor (the weight may depend given your other considerations).

[titanomachy]

Seconded. My FAANG team doesn't use frameworks that would be recognizable outside the company, only internal ones. My interview didn't involve any frameworks, only basic computer science, design, and problem-solving.

[9wzYQbTYsAIc]

Definitely consider making a temporary jump into some undesirable but comparably compensating job while you keep up your job search. Just absolutely make sure to demonstrate through github or something that you are keeping your skills fresh.

[scriptkiddy]

I don't know much about your specific employment situation, but your boss is abusing you emotionally. What they're doing might possibly be illegal in some US states actually.

Make no mistake. The negative things that your boss is saying about you are almost certainly untrue.

Your boss has no right to say those things to you or to target you like that. In most situations, I would say talk to your boss's boss or HR, but it seems like the company you work for would really be of no help if they already let it get this bad.

Unfortunately, I don't know of any solid solutions. If I were you, I would look into unemployment compensation laws in your area and see if you could get unemployment benefits because you quit your job due to emotional distress.

If I were in your situation, I would quit the next time I walked into work.

[yuy910616]

I was in a similar situation. Here are my advice: 1. It's just him. Some people are just a-holes. You need to leave. Not all jobs are like that, not all bosses are like that. Abuse is abuse. 2. When I was in your situation, I focus all of my energy to learning a new skill. It's as if I used all that I hate about this job to motivate myself in learning something new. It worked.

Best of luck

[piva00]

Start interviewing, I know that this is very often thrown around here and in other communities but absolutely NONE of this behaviour should be acceptable in any kind of professional environment.

You know you are being severely underpaid (I'm assuming you are from the US even though I'm not) so finding a place paying the same or a little better just to get away from this fucking horrible situation is worth every single second of effort.

[theanine]

Thanks. I have a final interview next week at a somewhat boring company, but the pay would be nearly double and I think I'd be much much healthier, so I'll take that if I can get it.

[bhaak]

Boring is good. You got enough "excitement" lately.

[willismichael]

Hopefully you will find that the people at the "somewhat boring company" are more kind and supportive than what you've been dealing with.

[camhenlin]

Boring companies still have interesting problems for you to dig in on. As well as that, boring can often mean stability, which can be really good for your mental health.

[rocqua]

The pay difference doesn't matter one bit. You need to get out of the current job.

If they offer anything over 40k take it! You might even want to consider explaining you want to get out of your current job, and are willing to take less pay. The risk is that it could sound like you don't think you are a good fit.

I hope the interview goes well! Good luck!

[anotherboffin]

The way I see it, a bit of time in a slightly more boring workplace, especially with a better manager, could really help to find stability in your life and recover from all the verbal abuse.

I hope you find a job that isn't the same thing, they really do exist! Most of all, I hope it works out for you. Best of luck!

[dec0dedab0de]

He is just trying to convince you that you're not worth the raise, and that you wouldn't get a better job somewhere else. He is wrong. Apply everywhere. If you don't have kids or a mortgage, just quit.

I was in a similar situation once. I got lucky because someone in our department, who was much stronger than I was, found a new job as a manager at a different company. Then a year later asked me to come work for him. That does not mean you have to wait to be lucky. Update your resume, don't try to wait until you have some new skill, just update it to wherever you are now, and start applying. Remember to ask for at least 80k.

[losthobbies]

That's work place bullying. Is there some sort of complaint you can make to someone or some external organisation? Start applying elsewhere but also start making a diary of the things he said to you and when - might be handy if you wanted to go the legal route.

[carapace]

Quit. Today. This guy is sick-- mentally and emotionally ill --and you need to cut him out of your life and never have anything to do with him again.

This is way more important than that paycheck.

You'll be fine, one way or another. This isn't really about your boss, it's about you and your self-respect and fear of change and stuff like that. (I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze you from across the internet but this much is clear from what you wrote.)

Also, fire your therapist, as you are clearly getting ripped off there.

[yesbabyyes]

Hi theanine. You are worth it to not experience any of that ever again. It will take a while, even after getting out of it, to get back to your real, healthy self. But you will. And after a good while, perhaps you will even look back on this and learn something, giving you even a few more facets.

You can get out of this and you will. Don't accept any mean thing your boss says about you. The opposite is true. If you feel like reaching out, you can find my contact details in my profile. No strings, and I'm not in a position to offer you a job, but if you feel like shooting the shit or having a banter.

Please take care of yourself.

[forinti]

I could only conceive this behaviour as rational (although still uncivilised) if he wants to fire you and cannot.

In my country this sort of thing is illegal (work harassment).

[twoquestions]

Listen to this person OP. If your boss really felt a tenth of the things he says about you, he'd fire you and forget about it. Knowing nothing else about you, his treatment alone says you're worth much more than $40k, and I'd bet the house your criminally abusive (seriously, talk to a lawyer, slurs like this aren't kosher even in the US) boss knows this.

I'm sure your HR department would also like to know they have a sadist working for them.

[logfromblammo]

Buy an old-school audio recorder, with voice-activation. Record everything your boss says to you or about you. Save and back up any e-mails or written notes. Speak with your co-worker peers about the boss's behavior.

Take your documentation to your therapist. Or to an employment lawyer that offers free or affordable initial consultations.

Do not stop applying for jobs with different companies.

I wouldn't go to HR. They work for the company, not for you. If they were doing their jobs effectively, you would not be suffering this abuse in the first place.

[leviathant]

> It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing.

Take a pay cut if you have to, just for a better work environment - even if you have to sell everything and move across the country. Ramen noodles and frozen vegetables are better than PTSD, and you'll find your way to a better paying job that better suits you.

And document these things that are happening. If your boss does any of this through email, save those emails.

[weaksauce]

> My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm getting up from my desk or why I'm eating what I brought for lunch.

yeah... that's not normal even a little bit. look for a new job. i have a hard time that any company that allows that kind of behavior is any better in any other department so get out ASAP!

[loftyal]

Dude wtf, fuck that shit. I'd rather be unemployed than putting up with that shit

[goobynight]

You would sooner find me living in a tent or teaching English for a pittance than putting up with this.

[Bootwizard]

Holy crap you need to get out of there. I think literally any job can be better than that one. There is so much out there, just try hard and take the leap.

I hope you find something soon. Look outside your area for jobs that pay for relocation if you have been having trouble finding jobs in your area, or look for remote jobs. There are tons of remote jobs right now, it's a huge industry that a lot of people don't consider.

P.S. - GO TO HR, THEY CAN HELP. Your boss should be fired tomorrow for that bullshit.

[mikekij]

This sounds like an awful place to work. Are you a software developer? There have to be a thousand better companies that would love to have you working with them.

[nurettin]

Could you be persuaded into defending yourself every time he lashes out? That would fix both your psychology and hopefully his, too. You see, he is abusive because his life is miserable. Make it a hobby to give him a hard time by defending yourself and your work and the value you generate. Because if you don't value yourself, nobody has to.

[thorpie]

I'm really sorry to hear how hard this is for you. It is not normal for a job to be like this, and you deserve better. Don't give up in your job search, and please take care of yourself. Even if you can find anything else to pay the bills to get away, your sanity is not worth it.

[gbrown]

One thing you can consider (in the US): quit and file for unemployment benefits - it's a hostile work environment, so youre entitled to this. That would give you some cushion while searching for a new job.

[AareyBaba]

Googled "can you quit and file for unemployment".

To qualify for unemployment, you must be out of work through no fault of your own. If you quit your job voluntarily, without good cause, you won't be eligible for unemployment benefits. However, if you are forced out and/or have good cause to quit, you may still be eligible for benefits, depending on the circumstances.

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/unemployment-benefit...

[eq_sd_]

I was fired and filed for unemployment and reported that it was a hostile environment. The benefits were quickly approved and no questions were asked beyond what the form asked for.

[fuzz4lyfe]

I can second this. If OP wrote what he wrote here in the unemployment application I'm nearly certain he would get it. Worst case he may have a wait a few weeks (8 where I live I believe) before the benefits kick in.

[jjordan]

Is there anyone you can lean on financially or with a place to stay so that you can get yourself out of this extremely toxic situation? I can't imagine that another job would be anywhere near this level of stress. In the meantime I would suggest attending meetups and talking up how you are looking for new opportunities. I have found that applying online is far less effective in finding employment than just showing up and networking.

[sureste]

Lots of people already said it, but here it goes: Hang in there buddy, get out of that place. Seriously. Not every boss is like that. Trust us.

[rdiddly]

You're pretty clearly in an abuse situation. Important: the abuse is the reason you haven't found another job. Because 1) you can't put your best foot forward when you're under attack constantly, and 2) I'd wager you don't come off as really wanting the jobs you're applying for because as you said, you think they'll be like this one. None of this is a coincidence by the way; an abuser needs an otherwise rational and free-thinking adult to decide to stay there and take the abuse, despite the fact that it's abuse and said adult can easily tell it quite obviously sucks and is intolerable and they should leave immediately. How would one accomplish this feat of making someone think the exact opposite of what they know is right? By underhandedly making you believe that you're always wrong (or doubt that you're right), and that you're worthless and nobody else would want you, and that losing this job would be the worst thing in the world, and a variety of other things. Oh and that all jobs are like this. Yes I'm asking/accusing/wondering aloud whether that idea didn't somehow come from him too. Only because it so nicely dovetails with the goal of making you stay. Only you know the answer though, so consider where you got the idea. And by the way, let me reassure you, most jobs are NOT like this one. Most people are normal, kind, and supportive. The great irony is that the thing he threatens you with is precisely the BEST outcome - to leave this shit situation. In my state (yours may vary) if he fires you, or even if you quit, you can apply for unemployment, and there will be a phone hearing, at which you can make the case for managerial incompetence, i.e. that he not only fired you without cause, he also abused you, has a history of same (document it), endangered your health (stress, weight gain?) etc. such that you had to quit. It would be the truth.

Anyway, I repeat, the abuse is what's stopping you from getting another job. The longer you stay (and a year is already an eternity in this kind of situation) the worse it will get. You are in a FUCKING EMERGENCY. It's not "save up money until I can afford to quit," it's "quit now[0] because I can't afford NOT to quit." Worry later about paying rent. People break leases all the time without repercussions. Again your state landlord-tenant law may vary. Do you have any supportive family or friends you can stay with? You should let them know what happened, move in with them and start healing from this, and returning to normal. And actively challenging and verifying everything you "learned" at this job.

What I'm advising might be extreme. There will be problems to overcome if you do it. But at least you won't have to overcome them with that monkey on your back. I'll monitor this thread in case you want to talk.

[0] Edit: Or make him fire you.

[tasogare]

Your situation is terrific. If flipping burgers can pay your living expenses, I would recommend to quit as soon as possible and search for a new job. Keep in mind that your life is more precious than everything else, especially a job.

[spai2]

I think you meant to say terrible rather than terrific.

[CalRobert]

The only solution to this is leaving.

Also, remember that HR is there to protect the company, not you.

[clinta]

This is true, but protecting the company may mean doing something about an abusive manager that creates liability for the company.

[xigency]

I'm not sure if your boss is the owner or simply a manager at your work, and I also don't know your location, but to me (not a lawyer) it sounds like you would have legal recourse against this treatment.

[Topgamer7]

You should look into better help, its a monthly thing. but you will get like 4 sessions in a month for $150 iirc.

https://www.betterhelp.com/

[api]

That is straight up abuse and you should absolutely look for another job.

[agumonkey]

ah well, that thread has been made for this.

how is he behaving with others ? the same ?

is it a large company with possibility to change team so to avoid this dude ?

If I may, after long illness I thought I'd work simple min-wage jobs to get back into active life. Few things hit me: you get around the same amount of shit there. Bad bosses, bad colleagues. Imperfect working conditions. The difference is, even underpaid, you get more money.

Maybe that will help you swallow the bitter pill for a little while.

Best of luck

[wysifnwyg]

I had a scary similar situation. I continued to search for a new position and after four months, I was able to find something that was a much better fit.

[sidcool]

I feel sorry for you. I wish I could help you. Do speak to someone if suicidal thoughts persist. Feel free to DM me.

[hprotagonist]

get. the. fuck. out.

That sounds godawful.

[cm2012]

The vast majority of bosses don't emotionally abuse their employees.

[mapcars]

So.. why don't you leave?

[supermatt]

> I don't have much saved up to just quit and search for new jobs full-time

> I've been applying every day since but haven't found anything