[Fordrus]

As person with a similarly vicious voice, part of the answer lies in cognitive behavioral therapy techniques - information is the enemy of hyper-criticism (usually, anyway).

The voice of your own critical judgment can be vicious, but if you're on board with that you're not, nor are you somehow supposed to be, some kind of rational Messiah with all the perfections and answers, but rather regular person doing their best, subject to the usual problems and issues that beset humans all the time, it's much easier to remind the voice, almost as if going one voice deeper - giving the hyper critical voice it's OWN voice - that it's being harsh to a standard that virtually no one has ever or will ever meet, that there are reason you or other did things the way they did (even if those reasons include "we didn't have time to research any other way, and the resources that would've made it possible or trivial like it feels now came about after we finished this.").

Anyway - basic idea here is to give you voice a voice and whip back around and overflow into the regular critical space where criticism can be healthy instead of incessant and damaging. I hope it works for you! It works fairly well for me, but I'll admit freely that sometimes I do feel like such a massive twat that BOTH voice roll their eyes at me. XD

[berberous]

+1. If you find it difficult to actually go to therapy, I'd also recommend the book 'Feeling Good'.

A negative voice is really just a bad habit that is hard to even see you have or that there's another way. It sort of just boils down to faking it for a while -- each time you criticize yourself, stop, think about why you are being way too critical and that it's not a really fair logical analysis, and speak to yourself kindly the same way you would to a friend. It feels super fake and pointless, but fake it for a while and all of a sudden you've developed a good habit instead that no longer feels so fake and actually works.

[madaxe_again]

I’m not convinced that it is bad - at least, in moderation.

I am pathologically lazy. I, like a certain student wizard, will go to extreme lengths and effort to be able to be lazy.

I am a procrastinator. I am often afraid to act.

I have a tool, however, and it’s the drill sergeant in my head. He’s an absolute sonofabitch, and on so many occasions has been the voice that has told me to step forward, to pick up the phone, to pull myself together and go face the music. He’s an amped-up version of a drill sergeant I had, crossbred with the gunnery sergeant from FMJ.

He did, however, push me too damn far, and I found myself slowly falling apart from exhaustion and stress - so, like you suggest, I manifested another voice - this one more conciliatory, kinder, more understanding.

I made the second voice the drill sergeant’s wife - when he’s being a total dick, she intervenes, and importantly, he respects her opinion, even if I side with him - I have internalised a lot of his vim and vigour - but if he backs down, I’ll take it - if he doesn’t, then I’ll do as he damn well says.

So, now I’m the puppet of two self-invented alters, but I find they manage me pretty well. When I was building the business, just having sergeant dickhead was perfect - when I started running into the ground, I evolved my pantheon.

Anyway. I’m probably as mad as a bag of cats.

I wonder what proportion of people who do this had absent or disengaged parents.

[yazaddaruvala]

Not mad. An I did not have absent or disengaged parents (although my voices are not parental figures).

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20669830

[kweinber]

I received a great piece of advice once. A person asked "If you had a child you loved that looked up to you that was struggling with something, would you be encouraging, patient and instructive to them or would be vicious, degrading, or abusive? --- Of course it would be the former. . . now treat yourself that way."

+1 for "Feeling Good". It is the book that kicked off CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and it gives you great perspective to seemingly simple questions like: what do most people feel, expect, and how to do they treat themselves? When I realized what a counterproductive jerk my inner voice was, I toned it down and it is far more productive now.

[drivers99]

Long time fan of Dr Burns (Feeling Good, and his other books), but his mentioning of thoughts as voices reminded me of something I just started learning about: ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, another therapy which is newer) in which you are mindful of thoughts, images, and sensations, but instead of trying to get them to stop you use some mindfulness techniques such as taking the thought X and making it “I am having the thought X” in order to separate your observing mind vs your thinking mind, and other techniques like that. You then connect with your values and take effective action towards those goals despite what you were feeling or thinking, rather than struggling against them which causes more problems. Of course I can’t explain it in a paragraph either but I found a good video yesterday[1] or the self help book that’s good for that is “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris.

[1] https://youtu.be/Qv_etBsR_Ew

[notduncansmith]

Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield calls this technique “naming” your thoughts, and I’ve found it to be remarkably effective.

[beatgammit]

I played varsity sports as a teenager, and the most helpful advice my coaches ever gave me was to control our inner voice to be positive. The best way to get out of a slump and back into "the zone" is to be positive and celebrate minor victories, since minor victories lead to more victories and eventually add up to major victories.

It sounds simple, but it's actually quite challenging to control inner discourse since you can't control your subconscious mind.

[dr_dshiv]

I totally agree. I am a person with strong internal dialogue, with a critical edge that is balanced between the criticized and criticized, and an underlying approach/attitude that "it's all good, don't worry, gonna be great".

Some people puke in their mouth to embrace positive loops in their head. They think it is so fake. But it works. And of course I'm lucky and grateful.

A back and forth of willing and continual self criticism and self-love, based on a deep self optimism -- that's an example of wisdom I'd hope to pass on to my kids.