[astrodev]

That despite being physically fit, at the very least decently looking, earning well, having interesting interests (such as doing a cool PhD and being a competitive dancer), despite having a decent social network and meeting lots of women, I will likely die a loveless virgin.

It's unspeakably depressing.

[futureastronaut]

You're probably being too picky. There are lots of women who would practically throw themselves at somebody like you describe, no matter how shy you are, if you faintly returned their interest. We all have our standards, but it's a bit disingenuous to claim that you're cursed to a lifetime of virginity.

[astrodev]

I may have some standards, but I have never had a chance to reject someone. This is actually very puzzling to me - most guys seem to at least have the option of meeting the extremely unattractive / obese women. I don't.

[startup_sr]

something doesn't add up. If you have any close friends or relatives, discuss with them. They are very likely to point out that you are sorely lacking that one piece of social skill. Once you improve that there will be no lack of meeting and choosing right woman for you. Ps: From 40+ yr old married guy.

[epiphanitus]

Rather than giving up, maybe you should see a therapist. This sounds like a problem that would be up their alley.

A good one might be able to help you deal with the things that are holding you back.

It might not work but it beats not trying.

[astrodev]

I tried therapy, didn't help one bit. Maybe my therapist was not very good, maybe not..

[epiphanitus]

It is true that not all therapists are good. Not all doctors or lawyers or engineers are good, for that matter.

I will say that people are complicated, and as a person dealing with people it can help to have another person who understands and respects you to help you figure it all out. You have to be ready to listen, though, and that isn't always easy, but when your own understanding of the world fails, it helps to consult another persons to see what you could be missing.

Source: Am also a person who deals with people

[pinouchon]

Go down that rabbit hole. https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/ It will give you a toolkit for "debugging" relationships.

[FearNotDaniel]

More correctly, it will give you a toolkit for identifying vulnerable women who do not have the self esteem to detect and avoid abusive relationships, and a set of behaviours you can use to exploit their insecurity to build physical relationships with women you despise. If you're looking for relationships that have emotional connection, support, and mutual respect and understanding, you may want to look for advice elsewhere.

[astrodev]

I have studied the Red Pill in quite detail. It is not really for me to apply (being shy is the opposite of imposing your will on others), but I think the principles are sound. At least I couldn't find any hole in this "worldview", though I would love to, since the the picture it presents is very bleak.

[FearNotDaniel]

It's possible that you may be inadvertently behaving in ways that amount to "sexual anorexia", a pattern of actions that amounts to self-sabotage where you unconsciously prevent yourself from getting the very thing you want. Maybe these will offer a different perspective:

https://saa-recovery.org/diversity/isa/

https://www.slaauk.org/is-slaa-for-me/anorexia-sexual-social...

[maerF0x0]

I am assuming you're a man. If all of what you said are true you almost certainly will not die a loveless virgin. Give me contact info if you're open to assistance.

[trevyn]

I assume there is something specific you’re not mentioning? In which case, I highly recommend paying for it — both sex and companionship.

[astrodev]

> I assume there is something specific you’re not mentioning

Yes, I'm shy, which is pretty much a universal deal-breaker.

[cableshaft]

I was super shy (still can be).

I had to make a concerted effort to put myself in social situations. I used Meetup.com and went to anything that looked remotely interesting in groups that had women in them for two straight years, and just kept showing up at groups and making small attempts at chit-chat until people started recognizing me and started inviting me to other things.

I slowly became a lot more comfortable talking to people I didn't already know well (I'm still not great at it, though). It led to a few dates (not as many as I was hoping, but some) and the whole process got me more comfortable around women that I met via other methods, like online dating. Eventually one of those decided to stick around and we're getting married in the next couple of months after dating for over four years.

It took a lot of time and energy though, time I previously would spend hacking away at personal projects (I still did them, just a lot less). My social circle shrunk quite a bit after we started dating for awhile and I stopped going to meetups regularly. But that was one of the main goals I had for attending them and it ended up being successful for me.

It's pretty funny, I'll tell people I know from these groups that I'm a shy guy and an introvert, and they'll tell me "What are you talking about? You seem pretty extroverted to me!" They never saw the years where I only had a few friends I hung out with regularly and had trouble speaking to anyone else, though.

If I could, I would have gone back in time and started the process way back in college (but it would have been school clubs then).

I don't know if something similar will work for you, but you might want to consider it. If there's already several people you see all the time, you might want to try meeting some strangers, as they don't already have preconceived notions of who you are. Part of my personality was re-inforced by my friend group, and it took meeting a whole new set of people to allow me to help rewrite those perceptions.

[astrodev]

Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I spent the past year going out so much... Some weeks I went out every night. Clubs, parties, Toastmasters, interest groups, assorted meetups, ... to no avail. I think I'm done with that, back to square one, writing code from my "basement", talking face to face to maybe 1-2 people a week.

[ManuelKiessling]

Before you were a competitive dancer, you were not a competitive dancer.

Before you are not shy, you are shy.

Just as you‘ve learned to become a competitive dancer, you can learn to become a non-shy person.

The bad news is that it’s probably a lot of work. But so was becoming a competitive dancer, I assume.

Look for a professional who can professionally help you learn what you need to learn.

I‘m well aware that my comment might feel very arrogant. But I’m making it in a certain spirit: Long ago, someone told me that what we all really need is someone who tells us that we must do what we can do.

[andrewstuart]

Find a good counsellor.

That shouldn't too hard to make some personal progress on.

[thow_leet]

Damn, heavy blackpill. You can always go to a legal brothel in Nevada. No shame in that, men have been doing it since the dawn of time.