I had to make a concerted effort to put myself in social situations. I used Meetup.com and went to anything that looked remotely interesting in groups that had women in them for two straight years, and just kept showing up at groups and making small attempts at chit-chat until people started recognizing me and started inviting me to other things.
I slowly became a lot more comfortable talking to people I didn't already know well (I'm still not great at it, though). It led to a few dates (not as many as I was hoping, but some) and the whole process got me more comfortable around women that I met via other methods, like online dating. Eventually one of those decided to stick around and we're getting married in the next couple of months after dating for over four years.
It took a lot of time and energy though, time I previously would spend hacking away at personal projects (I still did them, just a lot less). My social circle shrunk quite a bit after we started dating for awhile and I stopped going to meetups regularly. But that was one of the main goals I had for attending them and it ended up being successful for me.
It's pretty funny, I'll tell people I know from these groups that I'm a shy guy and an introvert, and they'll tell me "What are you talking about? You seem pretty extroverted to me!" They never saw the years where I only had a few friends I hung out with regularly and had trouble speaking to anyone else, though.
If I could, I would have gone back in time and started the process way back in college (but it would have been school clubs then).
I don't know if something similar will work for you, but you might want to consider it. If there's already several people you see all the time, you might want to try meeting some strangers, as they don't already have preconceived notions of who you are. Part of my personality was re-inforced by my friend group, and it took meeting a whole new set of people to allow me to help rewrite those perceptions.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I spent the past year going out so much... Some weeks I went out every night. Clubs, parties, Toastmasters, interest groups, assorted meetups, ... to no avail. I think I'm done with that, back to square one, writing code from my "basement", talking face to face to maybe 1-2 people a week.
Before you were a competitive dancer, you were not a competitive dancer.
Before you are not shy, you are shy.
Just as you‘ve learned to become a competitive dancer, you can learn to become a non-shy person.
The bad news is that it’s probably a lot of work. But so was becoming a competitive dancer, I assume.
Look for a professional who can professionally help you learn what you need to learn.
I‘m well aware that my comment might feel very arrogant. But I’m making it in a certain spirit: Long ago, someone told me that what we all really need is someone who tells us that we must do what we can do.
I had to make a concerted effort to put myself in social situations. I used Meetup.com and went to anything that looked remotely interesting in groups that had women in them for two straight years, and just kept showing up at groups and making small attempts at chit-chat until people started recognizing me and started inviting me to other things.
I slowly became a lot more comfortable talking to people I didn't already know well (I'm still not great at it, though). It led to a few dates (not as many as I was hoping, but some) and the whole process got me more comfortable around women that I met via other methods, like online dating. Eventually one of those decided to stick around and we're getting married in the next couple of months after dating for over four years.
It took a lot of time and energy though, time I previously would spend hacking away at personal projects (I still did them, just a lot less). My social circle shrunk quite a bit after we started dating for awhile and I stopped going to meetups regularly. But that was one of the main goals I had for attending them and it ended up being successful for me.
It's pretty funny, I'll tell people I know from these groups that I'm a shy guy and an introvert, and they'll tell me "What are you talking about? You seem pretty extroverted to me!" They never saw the years where I only had a few friends I hung out with regularly and had trouble speaking to anyone else, though.
If I could, I would have gone back in time and started the process way back in college (but it would have been school clubs then).
I don't know if something similar will work for you, but you might want to consider it. If there's already several people you see all the time, you might want to try meeting some strangers, as they don't already have preconceived notions of who you are. Part of my personality was re-inforced by my friend group, and it took meeting a whole new set of people to allow me to help rewrite those perceptions.