[specialist]

I've changed my personality a few times. Twice purposefully, that I know of.

First time, having exhausted all other ideas for improvement, I decided to fake being happy, using ridiculously positive words for every situation. "How are you today?" "Phenomenal!" While initially it was kinda sarcastic, at some point it became sincere. Roughly three years later, I woke up one day said "Phenomenal!" to myself, and was surprised that I meant it. The change was so slow, subtle, I didn't sense the transition.

Years later, I found the book How You Talk Changes How You Think. So apparently I'm not the only person with this experience. Also, I had read up about social cognition (swarm intelligence), how we learn from each other. At the time, there was some research showing that we individuals conform and change our minds without realizing it or any memory of it. (Scary!)

Second time, I ran for public office. I usually play to win, regardless of the odds. So I decided to become like the winners. I changed my outward personality. How I stand, smile, eye contact, etc. I stopped swearing (vulgarity). I learned to how to do small talk, vague noncommitmental positive agreement. (eg "Wow, that's a great idea, tell me more.", per Guy Kawasaki per Jean-Louis Gassée). I met thousands of people. And, frankly, in the aftermath, the experience completely converted from an extrovert into an introvert.

I've also changed personalty a few times unwillingly.

I was proscribed high dosage prednisone & cyclosporine for years. They made me insane. Suicidal. Mania. Super erratic. It took me years to "detox", become psychologically normal.

I had a very rough childhood. I remember being loving and affectionate as a toddler. But I became angry, distrustful and distant.

So. All these wild swings of personality. I honestly don't know who am I. When I try to describe myself (dating profiles), I can only describe how I think I behave, at this time. Is that accurate? Stable? No idea. I also don't know how much aging and experience factor in.

And I don't know where the lines are between personality, character, and daily behavior.

If I could travel back in time, I'd love to be able to administer myself personality assessments over time, maybe chart the changes.

[petra]

>> I met thousands of people. And, frankly, in the aftermath, the experience completely converted from an extrovert into an introvert.

That's interesting. Could you please share more ?

[specialist]

I'm still trying to understand it myself.

There's definitely the bits about socializing being taxing (introvert) or energizing (extrovert). Maybe that's just aging and slowing down.

But a huge component is becoming very transactional, jealously guarding my time and attention (both rapidly diminishing resources). Having become best friends with 100s of people and then becoming yesterday's news after my defeat, my calculus changed. What does this person want? Is this interaction worth my time?

At the same time, I've become very nice and polite. I strive to reduce my social footprint, never be the problem customer, be ever patient, be unremarkable. And maybe provide some cheer, or positivity, or respite, to most everyone I meet. But now it's anonymous. I almost never share my name. I hope the person quickly forgets me.

(Note: In person. My online persona is still a troll, but I'm trying to change.)

--

The aspect I'm still chewing on is "social availability". Like openness vs aloofness. It's a weird thing. I used to be the most approachable person. Spontaneous conversations. People sharing the weirdest most intimate stuff about themselves. Always being asked for directions by strangers. Having children and dogs crawl all over me. It was unsolicited and unavoidable.

Now I can turn that off.

You may have experienced the difference while traveling vs commuting to work. Visiting somewhere new, everything's stimulating, you're trying to take it all it, you have certain openness, you recognize the openness in others, maybe you're more flirtatious. But during your commute, routine settles in, you develop tunnel vision, avoid eye contact, face goes slack / neutral / hard, become avoidant so the panhandlers and other people striving to get your attention just become part of the background noise.

--

I'm also trying to be a better friend to my besties. Concentrated friendship equity vs spread out.

Lastly, things change. Having cared for my grandparents and now parents, watching how they've pulled themselves in, it's a sad thing to survive all your contemporaries. Whoever said "it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" was full of shit.

[arandr0x]

this is super interesting, I had similar experiences. Except I am still happier having loved and lost.

Can I ask how old you are?